I love you notes to your ex?

[lumpy]

I know I shouldn't have done this, but about half a year ago, my girlfriend left her email open on her laptop and I read the first few recent messages on her inbox. I simply couldn't resist the urge to. In one of those messages, dated a few days back, she had sent her ex boyfriend a simple and short message that read 'i love you'. I felt bad about it but I repressed and forgot about it and never brought it up, until yesterday.

So we were having pillow talk last night, and the topic of cheating came up. I asked her what her definition of cheating was, and she asked me what mine was. I told her that cheating, to me, wasn't limited to just sex. Flirting and exchanging naughty words with someone you're attracted to (but cannot be with) is like cheating to me, as well as telling someone that you love them. So she got all awkward and admitted that she has indeed said 'i love you' to her ex before, but insisted that she only did it once when he was in the hospital for heart problems about two years ago. I asked her about the email that I had read, and she then admitted that she just lied to me and that she actually did say it quite often. She wasn't mad or upset when she confessed though, but she did get upset later when she told me that I was a jealous freak to be looking at her stuff and that I invaded her privacy and well, now she's pissed off at me.

Is it wrong to tell an ex boyfriend that you love them? I'm not worried nor do I feel threatened by him because he's a really nice guy and I'm 100% confident that he will never make a move on her. I just feel weird that we're about to get married and she still has feelings for her ex. If she wanted to go back to him I'd be okay with that because I know I'm not as good as him and I only want her to be happy, but she insists that I'm the one that she wants to be with and that she'll never leave me for anybody else.

I believe her when she says that she will never leave me or cheat on me, so that's not at all what I'm worried about. I just feel bad that I'm not the only person that she loves. I just dont' know what to do.

[devonbrown]

I just feel weird that we're about to get married and she still has feelings for her ex. If she wanted to go back to him I'd be okay with that because I know I'm not as good as him and I only want her to be happy, but she insists that I'm the one that she wants to be with. I don't know what to do.

Um, really? You would just step aside and say go for it? Are YOU sure you want to marry this girl? Are you sure YOUR feelings are strong enough for her?

A couple of facts to keep in mind - you did snoop on her and she just lied to you. Those are two VERY big trust issues. And things I think you should discuss and make sure are dealt with before you jump into marriage.

Good luck.

[ConniptionFit]

You are getting married to a woman that you do not trust enough not to read her email and who says "I love you" to her ex?

I foresee this in your future:

[lumpy]

Um, really? You would just step aside and say go for it? Are YOU sure you want to marry this girl?

Sure I'd be deeply deeply hurt if she said 'I'm sorry I don't love you I want to be with my ex', but those feelings of hurt won't make me go head over heels to win her back. I am not going to want somebody who doesn't want me and wants somebody else. However, she does want me and she wants nobody else. That's why I'm willing to dedicate my life to her.

I'm just saying that if she wanted me gone, I would respect her and just step aside and not let my feelings get in her way.

[ConniptionFit]

Um, really? You would just step aside and say go for it? Are YOU sure you want to marry this girl? Are you sure YOUR feelings are strong enough for her?
.

Ummm... any guy who is halfway emotionally healthy and has a sense of self-esteem will not try to "convince" a chick to be with him when she thinks she wants to be with someone else.

[98db]

Quite simply. That sucks. Really, still telling your Ex that you love them when you are engaged to be married to someone else? I would not do that so I would expect the same from my SO.

[HeartIsAching]

Um, really? You would just step aside and say go for it? Are YOU sure you want to marry this girl? Are you sure YOUR feelings are strong enough for her?

A couple of facts to keep in mind - you did snoop on her and she just lied to you. Those are two VERY big trust issues. And things I think you should discuss and make sure are dealt with before you jump into marriage.

Good luck.

I actually believe that's a healthy attitude. If you truly love someone, you love them enough to not stand in their way if you're not who/what they want. I wouldn't want my wife if she didn't want me, and I've told her that the only way I'll ever leave is if she tells me to go.

[HeartIsAching]

As to the OP's original question:

I'm fond of a saying: Love does not divide, it multiplies.

There isn't a finite amount of room for love in your heart. I don't love my children or my siblings less because of how much I love my wife. You can love more than one person in more than one way. She CAN love her ex and rather be with you - I'm not saying that's what's going on here, just that it's possible. You and only you can decide what you're comfortable with.

[Horseyguy]

I actually believe that's a healthy attitude. If you truly love someone, you love them enough to not stand in their way if you're not who/what they want. I wouldn't want my wife if she didn't want me, and I've told her that the only way I'll ever leave is if she tells me to go.

I can't see how that is at all healthy. What you seem to be saying is if you knew your wife didn't want you then you would stay anyway? or at least until SHE ended it? That's not healthy at all.

If you knew your wife didn't want you and you truly loved her why wouldn't you let her go?

[HeartIsAching]

I can't see how that is at all healthy. What you seem to be saying is if you knew your wife didn't want you then you would stay anyway? or at least until SHE ended it? That's not healthy at all.

If you knew your wife didn't want you and you truly loved her why wouldn't you let her go?

No no... if my wife didn't want me, I'd not want to be with her at all. If she didn't want me, she'd tell me. I'm not one to play guessing games. I'm blunt and plain-spoken, and I believe strongly in communication being key in a healthy relationship, and so does my wife. What games other people have in their relationships is up to them.

[ConniptionFit]

I can't see how that is at all healthy. What you seem to be saying is if you knew your wife didn't want you then you would stay anyway? or at least until SHE ended it? That's not healthy at all.

If you knew your wife didn't want you and you truly loved her why wouldn't you let her go?

Co-dependency.

[lumpy]

Thanks for the comments guys.

I have a question though. How would I go about telling her, in a mature and respectful manner, that it hurts me that she says 'I love you' to her ex? I never had any problems with her talking to him, and she's been calling him about five times a week for ages. I do have a problem when the words 'I love you' become involved though.

I don't want to start any arguments, nor would I want her to think that I am trying to manipulate her out of jealousy. I only want her to know that what she does hurts me. Also I would like to know what actions I should take based on how she reacts...

Am I wrong to feel the way I do here?

[HeartIsAching]

Try using an [URL="http://www.humanpotentialcenter.org/Articles/IStatements.html"]"I Statement"[/URL].

[HeartIsAching]

Here's the meat of using an I Statement from that site:

"How To Use I-Statements

To create an I-Statement, all we need to do is start a sentence with an "I." As simple as that may sound, there is an art to creating really effective I-Statements. Here are some suggestions:

Be specific. "When women clam up, I feel angry," triggers more resistance than "When you don't speak to me during dinner, I feel angry." The first statement is just begging for an emotional reaction because we're lumping our partner into the generic category of Women, rather than treating her as the individual she is. In contrast, the second statement is event-specific and direct, and our partner knows that she's being seen as she is.
Avoid "oughts" and "shoulds." Criticisms like "You should be on time!" usually hide our own feelings about a situation beneath a veil of self-righteousness. Try saying something like, "I feel angry/insecure when…" This allows us to live in the moment with our feelings. Remember: be present!
Avoid labels. Labels like "bitch," "crazy," "rigid," "communist," etc., tend to categorize people and blame them. Expressing our feelings directly works better than categorizing ourselves or others.
Avoid the phrases "I feel like…" and "I feel that…." The sentence "I feel that you are crazy," is a Disguised You-Statement, not an I-Statement. When we disguise our true meaning, we're still hedging and not letting our partner know who we are.
Include our feelings, not merely our thoughts. If we want to be close to someone emotionally, we need to give them a clear picture of who we are. Don't camouflage! "

I've used them, started using them a while back after I started believing in my new relationship education, and they REALLY work!

[lumpy]

Here's the meat of using an I Statement from that site:

"How To Use I-Statements

To create an I-Statement, all we need to do is start a sentence with an "I." As simple as that may sound, there is an art to creating really effective I-Statements. Here are some suggestions:

Be specific. "When women clam up, I feel angry," triggers more resistance than "When you don't speak to me during dinner, I feel angry." The first statement is just begging for an emotional reaction because we're lumping our partner into the generic category of Women, rather than treating her as the individual she is. In contrast, the second statement is event-specific and direct, and our partner knows that she's being seen as she is.
Avoid "oughts" and "shoulds." Criticisms like "You should be on time!" usually hide our own feelings about a situation beneath a veil of self-righteousness. Try saying something like, "I feel angry/insecure when…" This allows us to live in the moment with our feelings. Remember: be present!
Avoid labels. Labels like "bitch," "crazy," "rigid," "communist," etc., tend to categorize people and blame them. Expressing our feelings directly works better than categorizing ourselves or others.
Avoid the phrases "I feel like…" and "I feel that…." The sentence "I feel that you are crazy," is a Disguised You-Statement, not an I-Statement. When we disguise our true meaning, we're still hedging and not letting our partner know who we are.
Include our feelings, not merely our thoughts. If we want to be close to someone emotionally, we need to give them a clear picture of who we are. Don't camouflage! "

I've used them, started using them a while back after I started believing in my new relationship education, and they REALLY work!

Wow! Thank you guys so much for those links. Communication isn't my strong point, so this is definitely going to help.