my office relationship

[bluesource]

OK, I feel like ranting, so I'm going to blabber/type at the speed of light for a few minutes... and I know this isn't really about dating but close enough. Last March I began hanging out with this new girl from work... at first just flirting then getting lunch. This goes on for a while and she seems genuinely interested so I do what any guy would do, I ask her out, at which point I find out she is dating some other guy.

No big deal I suppose and I remain friends with her. At that point nothing really changes for the next two months and by now I am pretty emotionally involved with her, more than she realized and even more than I even realized, I didn't want this to happen (especially since she had a boyfriend) but it just did.

There was really nothing I could do, I was friends with her but couldn't advance the relationship, and didn't want to make her uncomfortable by telling her how I felt... so I simply started avoiding her. I know it may sound lame but I was really hurting when I did that and didn't know what else to do.

At first she was pretty cold to me and even started avoiding me too. She must have realized something was going on, who knows. So that is it, it has been avoidance for 4 months of agony now.

I have been in so much pain and I can't get away from her she is always there, ALL THE TIME. There is no way she can even realize what I have gone through. Even I try to tell myself I'm not in love and nothing happened but then I see her at work and shock waves go through my body and you just know.

The pain has been gradually reducing in time, but I never saw this coming. I was just having fun and flirting. Since then I have attempted to formulate the reasons why a girl would do this,

a) maybe self-esteem
b) maybe confidence
c) it's possible she really liked me and was torn between me
and her boyfriend
d) etc... I will never know the reason and it doesn't matter

at any rate I have tried to sort out my emotions with this to help me get over this. I have talked with friends and read articles. They say to write your emotions down. Mainly I feel used, betrayed, hurt, remorseful, sad, and even angry, that's all! lol.

I try to deal with these emotions by writing them down and that helps me overcome them. I also try to think of things that I don't like about her... sounds stupid but it helps me realize she's not perfect and prevents me from putting her on a pedastal... like I never should have... but can you stop true love? I mean you either feel it or you don't right?

The one thing I can't stand is the fact that she does the same thing to other guys in the company in plain view, it makes my blood boil. I am really trying to not be angry. Anyway, I am also learning quite a bit about myself and how I should not become so involved so easily and quickly, and how agonizing office relationships gone sour can be. I cannot even describe the number of emotions I've felt, I feel like a different person.

The other day I talked to her for the first time in 4 months, I tried to be casual, and she seemed much nicer than usual. As if she was sick of the whole avoidance thing also. I have had hour long conversations with a good friend of mine about this girl trying to figure it out... but in the end, no matter how broken she is from some other guy, or why she did what she did doesn't even matter. I just need to restrain myself from even thinking that anything will ever happen and move on.

I know this is lame, believe me, no one wants out of these feelings more than me but they just happened. Any other thoughts on the best way to get over her? Well... that's that, just needed to let some steam out, even typing this has made me feel better. Anyway, just blabbering faster than I can type, this is therapeutic!

[Cybog]

Ok look. No offense to you, but this is pretty damn sad man. I’m about to rip you a new *******, so don’t take this personally. Some people need a slap in the face to wake them up.

You need to slow the **** down - quick style.

She isn't your girlfriend, and never was. She never accepted any kind of invitation to ever be anything more than....anything. Just because she is flirtatious around the office doesn’t mean she is willing to suck your dick underneath the desk. All it means is that she is a nice/flirtatious girl.

Your problems are obvious.

1. You don’t know how to handle yourself around women. You take the slightest inkling of suggestion and suddenly think this is the girl of your dreams.

2. You develop unhealthy / “stalkeresque” feelings towards women you don’t even know or ever have had any kind of meaningful relations with.

3. You fall "in love" with someone, not knowing what love is. This is a severe case of an almost unhealthy infatuation.

I just need to restrain myself from even thinking that anything will ever happen and move on.

I couldn’t have put it better myself. (Ok, maybe I could have...)

Not only that but you need to learn about what love is really is, and stop pining over some chick with whom you have spent a total of 0.0 minutes in a relationship with.

Save the drama and heartaches and headaches and lost sleep for someone with whom you have actually had something with.

[bluesource]

OK... I really like your response, and the reason is I've had tons of advice from different people and yours is the only one that is different (and actually made me feel better), so maybe you're helping me get over this like no one else could.

I know what you mean, I see it clearly. It's very confusing to me how I thought I was in love. And I'm really just letting myself be hurt. This is why I remained friends with her so long is I realized nothing even happened.

The main reason I think/feel I'm in love or whatever, is that I fantasized about a future with her before anything happened, so anytime she did something to make that fantasy seem possible, I felt elated, and vice versa. This elated feeling is not love, I'm not stupid. I understand that true love is something much deeper than a flirtation. I even realized this as it was happening, but I couldn't stop myself from thinking about her. I knew I shouldn't but I just did it felt so good.

Now this fantasy is the key to the relationship, now I agree, that this is my fault even if I was led on. Maybe that's a deeper problem within me and why I am single, I have always looked for perfection. I'm such an idealist my fantasy simply feeds that hope for perfection. You have to understand that I'm truly looking for a healthy relationship and I appreciate any input. I an intelligent good looking person, there is no reason I should be single, it's like I have everything figure out in life, except I can't even deal with my own emotions, so in fact, perhaps I'm incredibly stupid. I'm trying to confess my flaws and become a better person.

[Nameless18]

And thats why most bosses don't allow relationships in the office. Sorry to say this but i think you mentioned she kinda flirted with other guys in the office? So it also means she has a bf yet goes out with you and flirts with some guys in the office? Does it give you the slightest hint that maybe she isnt serious about relationships?

I understand that feelings are hard to control when you like someone, you tend to be jealous over her and have a hard time figuring her out. BUT if she doesnt feel the same way you feel for her, why bother?

[bluesource]

I agree with you completely Nameless18, I shouldn't even bother. I'm just so confused as to what even happened. I'm really really trying hard here to convince myself I don't have feelings for her... I'm trying to understand the feeling I get when I see/hear her in the office. I just want to get over whatever it is I'm feeling, which is why I made this post in the first place.

I mean obviously something is going on with me emotionally, even if they're not the right kind of emotions, I just want it to be over, that's all.