I am on the brink of making my way out. I need opinions and advice

[Splash100]

Okay, sorry to confuse you all. But I am a24 year old guy, who has given up.

I will try not to make this post too long and boring.

There have been two deaths in the family, the first one suicide, my step mother, and the second, my grandfather, who was the stalwart in the family.

Since these evenst, it seems that there is a curse around me, making everything bad happen. I feel shit about myself, feel resented by people, although I dont willfully do anyone any harm, I dont smoke or drink (although in the past few months I have a few times taken to some very strong drinks to get a bit high)

I am not sure if any of you have read my forum girl post in love advice section, but that drags me down, as it is happening in a world so centre to me, that I grew up in. I feel sometimes it is grandad (laugh if you want) giving me all this crap from beyond the grave. I have had dreams of him walking towards me looking so real, have had weird occurances in my house (I dont belive in ghosts), and yes I have wasted my life from my early teens to this age, due to pondering on things too much. Grandad had a good sense of humour, and laughed at things easily, and the things he seems to be telling me from the other side , see like he is having a laugh with me, but in a serious way. I know I am more than likely imagining it , but when you hear people walking into your bedroom, and there is no one there when you look, it makes you think. When I went to see grandad in the chapel of rest, in the open coffin, I asked him to take me with me. Maybe he brought that girl in my life, on that forum, to finally give me a push to feel rubbish about myself and then exit

I got a £4800 pounds cheque the other day, a back paymet of something, and want to use it to finish me off. maybe go on a trip abroad, USA or whatever, drink myself silly then drown myself somewhere. This is ridiculas, the horror that happens in this world sometimes

I want advice, is this a sgn either from my grandfather, or from my actions (not sure if thats the right way to say it) that I am no longer required in the world? that I am obsolete? that I have run out of steam? As I do not agree with the worlds modern ways, a lot of the internet, troubles me, the modern media, the modern attitude.

Sorry that I havent explained a lot, but I didnt want to write a really long post that no one wants to read.

[Nicholas_V]

It is a loud and clear sign that you are severely depressed and you need to get help immediately. Right now you sound as if you have a distorted perception of reality - with professional help this can change.

As for "I am no longer required in the world": you are required, but you need to get mentally fit again first. Think of your current state as if you strive to run with a broken leg - and you get frustrated because you can't.

Seek help - see a specialist. Be yourself again and things will get better.

[qwertz]

Yeh you're right. other people go through similar shit without wanting to top themselves.

[blent]

Everyone feels that way at some point or another. Even the most attractive people become insecure... you need to quit analyzing everything and in most cases accept it for what it is - the good and the bad. I hate the modern world too... i'd love to live in the medieval period and experience how close the communities were back then. But that will never upset me because I've learned to love how great the world is today as well. I think in my teen years I used to really exile myself over things like this... just know that there are many great things in this world to enjoy... and you'll never truly appreciate those things until you've actually experienced them.

[Bootsie]

This is probably your grandfathers sign of saying he's there for you, not for you to do something terrible. I'm sure he wouldn't want that! Your lucky you still have your life, i'm sure he would have loved the chance to stay around a bit longer. Maybe go to the doctors and see if there is anyway of getting some tablets, and yeh go on holiday but go to clear your head not to do something silly =) x

[Sonrisa]

are you employed? going to school?

[VincenzoG91]

Opinion: Don't do it.

Advice: Don't do it.

You're young and have a lot of life ahead of you. To consider killing yourself right now is unhealthy. So treat it like any other health problem, go see a doctor. I mean, if you had a bleeding head wound, you would go to the hospital, right? This is the same kind of thing, so you should get some therapy. And it just so happens that you can afford it right now, thanks to the cash you just got. Do it and get better.

[Splash100]

I have booked a trip to Toronto, for next month, so will try and clear my head there.

Look I am sorry I am sounding so negative, but I really just want to let this out. Also I dont k ow anyone on here, so I dont mind. Yes, I have booked that trip. But I also feel death surrounding me. The remaining few thousand I want to put into my funeral. There is a lake in a park where I grew up in, which has a twenty feet deep part of water; I have a plan to get two concrete slabs (dont know where from), go to the park when its closed, late at night, and tie them to my feet, after writing some notes to different people, then finally escape this pain. Thats how desperate I am.

What would I need therapy for in a world I hate?

Here is a image of grandad, who should still be here. He wasn't a "grandad" in his ways, he was just Grandad to us by name , but merely a man otherwise. Don't know if that makes sense

[Lipp]

What would I need therapy for in a world I hate?

How many psychiatrists do you need to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change.