A woman's perspective please

[Dtfan]

I don't understand....
My situation is a strange one and it's starting to effect me and it will hit the point where it will cause me to break up a wonderful relationship.

The situation in brief is a girl I met and have spoken to for about a year and a half recently left her abusive husband (emotional, physical pushing, strangulation etc..) we are now together ( probably a bit fast but it feels right) and have a great relationship. Trust is taking time to build and I always think there are things she is not telling me which is to be expected due to the nature of her abuse.

Anyway her mother does not like me and keeps saying how great a man her ex was (her mother knows about the abuse), I mentioned strangulation this happened on two occasions one where her brother had to pull him off her, and the second time at a party in front of people he did not know. If he had not been pulled off her she would probably have been killed.

Now for a long time she believed it all to be her fault and has stayed in this abusive relationship for close to 8 years, wasting her life with him which bothers me but it's the past and I will deal with it. I still get the feeling she cares for him and worries about his life and keeps doing things to make sure he is ok, this bothers me deeply and I don't understand it at all, how could someone who has been abused and nearly killed now that they have someone willing to treat them well and protect them act in this way? I have not seen abuse in my life as I grew up in a pretty normal family with no anger or fighting, but I have seen it's effects on her and I don't like one bit!

Her brother was drunk the other week and he also started to tell me how great a man her ex was, this was the brother that had to pull him off her as he was going to kill her. How can people be like this?

How can a mother think it's ok for her daughter to stay with an emotionally manipulative and physically abusive man who nearly killed her daughter twice, and how can a brother who stopped him killing his sister tell me that he is a great guy?

I don't understand and it's driving me up the wall, in what world are women led to believe that they should accept the abuse that men give them and stay in a broken relationship? Why would the girl in question believe it was her fault and feel sorry for her ex because she left him? Why would a brother still go out drinking and talk with a person that tried to kill his sister? And why would a mother tell her daughter I'm going to turn in to her ex and he should stay with him and not me?

I am really at a loss and it's driving me up the wall at a very fast rate, I know she has a lot of issues and trust will take time... But it seems she has more trust for her ex at the moment than she does for me, she will never go back to him of that I am sure and she has said she loves me more than she has ever loved anyone in her life. I just don't understand it at all.

Could some kind soul please attempt to unravel her thought process for me?

[ConniptionFit]

Women who are abused often think abuse is normal they deserve that abuse. The often come from families who teach them this from a young age (as you have experienced with her family).

As you are finding out, the entire thought process is completely screwed up. It won't be long until she starts to feel the need to sabotage the relationship.

[Communeer]

those are good

[Jenswaiting]

What you are describing is in effect a very typical co-dependent relationship. Her family might have either an abuser or an addict that has encouraged such behaviour. I suggest for further understanding of their issues to research co--dependency. It is highly likely that she will miss this and look for ways to get her needs met by sabotaging your relationship.

[url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency]Codependency - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/url]

Imo, I don't think it's healthy for you to be in a relationship with her.

[Wakeup]

The situation in brief is a girl I met and have spoken to for about a year and a half recently left her abusive husband (emotional, physical pushing, strangulation etc..) we are now together ( probably a bit fast but it feels right) and have a great relationship. Trust is taking time to build and I always think there are things she is not telling me which is to be expected due to the nature of her abuse.

Are you saying that you got involved with her in an emotional type affair before she had left her abusive husband? If you are then your relationship started out on piss poor foundation to start with. If you aren't saying that, then your relationship started out too soon after her break up and she has obviously not come to terms or processed the relationships failure and her acceptance of abuse and disrespect.

Now for a long time she believed it all to be her fault and has stayed in this abusive relationship for close to 8 years, wasting her life with him which bothers me but it's the past and I will deal with it.

You deal with it but obviously she has not nor is she currently.

I still get the feeling she cares for him and worries about his life and keeps doing things to make sure he is ok,

She's codependent and has not had any counceling to overcome so of course she (thinks she is) still in love or has feelings for him.

this bothers me deeply and I don't understand it at all, how could someone who has been abused and nearly killed now that they have someone willing to treat them well and protect them act in this way? I have not seen abuse in my life as I grew up in a pretty normal family with no anger or fighting, but I have seen it's effects on her and I don't like one bit!

You need to educate yourself about low self worth, codependency, addiction and rebound relationships.

Her brother was drunk the other week and he also started to tell me how great a man her ex was, this was the brother that had to pull him off her as he was going to kill her. How can people be like this?

Abuse is likely all this family has ever witnessed. They have no idea about "normal" as dysfunction is their "normal."

How can a mother think it's ok for her daughter to stay with an emotionally manipulative and physically abusive man who nearly killed her daughter twice, and how can a brother who stopped him killing his sister tell me that he is a great guy?

As I said, it's because all they know is dysfunction and if he was a good financial provider they think that's all she deserves and she should be greatful.

I don't understand and it's driving me up the wall, in what world are women led to believe that they should accept the abuse that men give them and stay in a broken relationship? Why would the girl in question believe it was her fault and feel sorry for her ex because she left him?

codependency, conditioning, piss poor self worth, not loving herself enough to think she deserves better than the abuse.

Why would a brother still go out drinking and talk with a person that tried to kill his sister? And why would a mother tell her daughter I'm going to turn in to her ex and he should stay with him and not me?

The brother probably beats his wife as well and the two of them commisserate with one another and the grief thier bitches inflict on them.

I am really at a loss and it's driving me up the wall at a very fast rate, I know she has a lot of issues and trust will take time... But it seems she has more trust for her ex at the moment than she does for me, she will never go back to him of that I am sure and she has said she loves me more than she has ever loved anyone in her life. I just don't understand it at all.

Don't believe her. Unless she gets extensive counceling to help her with her addiction of codependency and non existent self worth, she will leave you and go back to him because she will get bored with you and the normalcy. She will think she doesn't deserve to be treated nicely and she will indeed self-sabotage by cheating and or keeping in contact with the ex until you leave her. If you yourself are not codependent that is. If you are, then you will stay and take her emotional abuse of you.

Could some kind soul please attempt to unravel her thought process for me?

I hope that cleared it up for you a bit. I suggest you don't put up with her keeping in contact and worrying about her ex for long. Either she stops that and gets professional help or you leave now while you're still unbroken yourself.

Good luck.