Girl is hesitant for the wrong reason...is there anything I can do?

[Whereyo]

So I met girl last year, shortly after she had gotten out of a horrible relationship which she said she shouldn't have stayed in as long as she did. Basically, the guy treated her very poorly and confused her mind with what she really deserves. I asked her out on a date and she accepted. We had a good time, but I could tell something was holding her back, which I imagine was her ex boyfriend (relationship ended I believe 2 months prior). After the date, we texted back and forth some, but her responses became less and less, so instead of pushing her I let her have some space to figure things out, and we essentially went our separate ways.

Fast forward approximately 1 year later:

She randomly text me out of the blue, asking what I've been up to and if we could hang out. I say of course, I really liked this girl, and hoped this time she had her things figured out and was ready to move on. We text back and forth, and she apologizes about how things ended last year, and says she screwed up and just hoped I would give her another chance. I'm thinking, great, this is perfect, and everything was for the first few weeks. We went on multiple dates, hang out just the two of us a bunch, and she even invited me to her family get together. Everything was great when we were together, we both were joking back and forth, laughing, smiling, just enjoying each others company.

Then, out of no where, it's like something changed in her mind, and she doesn't text me back as quickly as before, her responses are vague and noticeably shorter than previously, her tone is just different. At first, I think maybe it's just *that time of the month*, so I give her some space, and think she will contact me when everything clears up. Nope, nothing. So after a couple of days, I call her and she says she doesn't feel well, allergies, and she doesn't sound well at all. Normally, if in this situation, I'd bring her something to help make her feel better, but with this girl we didn't have an established relationship, and I don't want to appear too clingy/desperate. It's been a couple of days since this and I still haven't heard back from her.

Like I said, I don't want to be pushy because we are both busy people, (I'm 23, she is 21), and I'm not trying to force her into a relationship she doesn't want to be in. I just get the feeling she is hesitant, or resistant to me, because of the way her last boyfriend abused her. Like I said when ever we are together, everything is GREAT, we have so much fun and even get a little bit intimate, which she would intimate just as much if not even more so than I would. I just feel like I'm losing her for the wrong reasons, and I want to do something, but I don't know what. I don't want to just sit idle and let her make some assumption based on her last boyfriend, who couldn't be any further away from the type of people I am. But I also don't want to come off as clingy and needy.

I almost feel like this is a damned if I do; damned if I don't situation.

[Wakeup]

I thought you said she was sick and that she sounded like she was sick as well. Why are you getting all paranoid? Just call her and ask her how's she's feeling. Quit texting it's for chickens and it doesn't give you any real idea what she's thinking because you can't hear her voice or hesitations etc. It's a piss poor way to communicate and should be left for when you are in an established relationship and then only for things like :"When will you be home? Can you pick up bread?"

My suggestion: If she's feeling better then ask her to do something fun with you and take it from there. If she doesn't pick up or return your call then Fk her and the horse she rode in on... she's still just as screwed up as she was a year ago and you can't fix her. Best to find out now before she keeps giving you just enough crumbs until you fall for her and then she steps on you once again. Never be afraid to find out the truth. It's in your own best emotional interests to know the score.

[Whereyo]

I thought you said she was sick and that she sounded like she was sick as well. Why are you getting all paranoid? Just call her and ask her how's she's feeling. Quit texting it's for chickens and it doesn't give you any real idea what she's thinking because you can't hear her voice or hesitations etc. It's a piss poor way to communicate and should be left for when you are in an established relationship and then only for things like :"When will you be home? Can you pick up bread?"

Sorry, I should have been more clear with this point. It was just earlier this week when I talked to her and found out she was sick. But she has been standoffish for a week prior to that as well, and I know she wasn't sick then. So it's basically coming up on 2 weeks of her acting weird towards me.

Good point on calling over texting. Text is just easier, but I agree I will only call from now on.

My suggestion: If she's feeling better then ask her to do something fun with you and take it from there. If she doesn't pick up or return your call then Fk her and the horse she rode in on... she's still just as screwed up as she was a year ago and you can't fix her. Best to find out now before she keeps giving you just enough crumbs until you fall for her and then she steps on you once again. Never be afraid to find out the truth. It's in your own best emotional interests to know the score.

Thank you for your suggestion, I will do just that. Give her one last chance by asking her out to do something, and if things work out, great. If not, oh well...

[Wakeup]

There ya go... Good luck either way. If it turns out she's a flake consider it just a lost opportunity.. Her lost opportunity, not yours.

[Whereyo]

Well I called her earlier today, but no answer. I planned on just asking her if she was feeling better yet, and if so inviting her out on my boat with some friends this coming week. I'll just wait now to see if she returns the call...but if not...oh well I guess, her loss.

[smackie9]

I had an abusive BF, and it did not discourage me from finding a new BF, so I think that excuse is a load of BS. Second, stand offish + excuses + NC = likes someone else. I bet money the last time, same thing.

[Whereyo]

I had an abusive BF, and it did not discourage me from finding a new BF, so I think that excuse is a load of BS. Second, stand offish + excuses + NC = likes someone else. I bet money the last time, same thing.

Maybe I didn't fully describe this girl, but I highly doubt that is the issue. She is a very shy and quiet girl until you get to know her and she has a hard time making friends. When she did this last year, there was no one else, so I have no reason what so ever to believe there is anyone else this time either. Also, she hasn't dated many guys before, so it's not like she is the type of girl to just go from guy to guy.

[smackie9]

Don't kid yourself. You don't have to be a "THAT TYPE" to have another interest. It could be that the ex pulled her back, or she had an interest over the Internet. The Internet or cyber relationships are massively used by shy and lonely or inexperienced people.

Anyways, I was so much like her too and not some skank, so anything is a possibility.

[Whereyo]

Well, second day now since my last call to her and nothing. No text or returned call from her...and so the search begins again!

[Kesta]

You need to let her know that the way she's behaving is unfair and that you deserve an explanation. There's clearly something wrong and you need to prepare yourself because the explanation you eventually get could be one you don't like. Communication is key. If she's shy she's practically a natural at being evasive and you will need to coax the explanation out of her by:
- making her feel safe about being truthful with you. She seems afraid to confront you with the problem, fearing how you might react.
- she seems to think that the best solution is just to ignore you and that hopefully the problem will just go away. You will need to calmly but firmly convince her that the right solution is truth and that after all you've been through, you deserve the truth.

She may not like you pushing her for the answer, but you need to do what's right for you and knowing why she's acting this way is better that spending ages later wondering about what 'you did wrong'.

[Whereyo]

You need to let her know that the way she's behaving is unfair and that you deserve an explanation. There's clearly something wrong and you need to prepare yourself because the explanation you eventually get could be one you don't like. Communication is key. If she's shy she's practically a natural at being evasive and you will need to coax the explanation out of her by:
- making her feel safe about being truthful with you. She seems afraid to confront you with the problem, fearing how you might react.
- she seems to think that the best solution is just to ignore you and that hopefully the problem will just go away. You will need to calmly but firmly convince her that the right solution is truth and that after all you've been through, you deserve the truth.

She may not like you pushing her for the answer, but you need to do what's right for you and knowing why she's acting this way is better that spending ages later wondering about what 'you did wrong'.

How am I supposed to let her know she isn't acting fairly if she doesn't return my calls?? I'm not going to bombard her with texts, nor am I going to just show up at her place.

She is very shy, and does not like confrontation, so I guess this is just her way of handling things, by running away from the issue. Honestly, I don't even really care what the issue is/was, it would have just been respectful, in my opinion, to tell someone things are not working out, and not to just cut off all communication without saying a word. Maybe that is just a maturity thing, but I would never do that to someone.

[Whereyo]

Well I've been hoping to hear from her that her phone has been broken or something, but nope, still nothing. This sucks

[Wakeup]

Look on the positive side: This does NOT suck. It is a very good thing that you found out that she's too shy or god forbide to fking stupid to pick up her phone and let you know that things are'nt working out for her the way she'd imagined they could and to wish you well.

She's not worth being sad over because she hasn't the empathy or concern for anyone else but herself to just disappear off the face of the earth without explanation. Her no explantaion should be explanation enough to you to be happy that you found out she has no where near the intergity and empathy and human beingness that you do.

Next and good riddance.

[Whereyo]

Thanks again for the reply Wakeup, I appreciate your posts.

UPDATE:

Earlier today, while I was at work, she text me. She basically said she knows she hasn't returned my calls, she has been dealing with a lot of crazy stuff that she didn't want to share with anyone and that she was sorry. I didn't respond right away because I was at work, but she texted me again two hours later. This time she said is having trouble with her roommate, (her roommate is definitely a troubled individual who has major psychological problems), who checked herself into rehab without telling her. She said again she is really sorry for never getting back to me, she just didn't want to burden me with all that is going on. She also said she understands if I don't want to speak with her anymore, and she just wants me to know that she is sorry.

When I went on break at work, I saw all these text messages and responded saying to her hold on, just calm down, everything is cool, and I hope her roommate is okay.

She said: She hopes she is ok. She also said that she is just not ok right now, and that she wants to be happy and ok around me, and right now she is not.

I said: What's going to make you happy?

She said: She is not sure, and that she can't answer that question right now

I said: How about chocolate covered espresso beans (her favorite snack)? Then I said don't get so down on yourself, you're a beautiful, smart, caring, person. If you need anything, she should let me know.

She said: She appreciates me understand.


I knew she had some intense depression issues awhile ago, but I thought she was over that, but apparently not. And I believe that is what she is going though right now. Her roommate has serious problems, and doesn't have any real friends besides the girl I was seeing.

I think her explanation and apologies make me feel more at ease with the whole situation, and I agree it's better to just move on from this and look for someone more on 'my level' than further pursue her.

[Whereyo]

So I still haven't spoke to this girl since she sent me these texts, 5 days ago, explaining what was going on with her. Would it be weird if I sent her a text later this week seeing if she is doing alright, just kind of checking up on her? I know she doesn't have many friends to talk to, and I would hate to think of anyone not making sure everything is okay. I'm talking about in strictly a friendly manor, nothing more.