Need advice on how to handle a situation

[OmnicronPercei8]

Very long story short, I found out the love of my life had been having another man over while we were taking a break, even though I thought we were moving in the right direction to get back together. Technically we weren't together, however were still in a sexual relationship at that point - just not labeled as boyfriend/girlfriend. I found this out after she had broken off the relationship for good.

We work together and she doesn't know that I know about this. She's told me lies which I believed up until the point that I figured it out. I'm looking for another job so I don't have to be around her anymore but I need to know how to handle the situation.

I want to call her out on her lying and "cheating" (is it really cheating since we weren't officially a couple or is that just an excuse she's told herself?) and tell her that she's ruined everything good that we had - great love, and a long time friendship - just so she could get something going with someone else. We're friends on facebook and she soon started officially seeing this guy changing her relationship status and changing her profile picture to them holding hands. Is she doing all this to piss me off? She says nothing more than she's sorry that she moved on so quickly that he really has the missing pieces she's been looking for (something she had told me as well) so I feel genuinely discarded and replaced. I want to call her out on all this especially because right now she bears no guilt or shame thinking that I don't know. However I don't want to cause a hostile work environment while I'm here.

I stave my fingers from emailing her more times a day than I'd like to express my pain and anger but I'm thinking that's what she wants to see. I want say these things now but I fear they'll have no impact on the way she currently thinks. Each day I come so close to addressing it with her that she’s thrown away everything but I wait. I think I’m just looking to find some guilt in her to test what she had said was real (that I was the best thing that had ever happened to us, that our love was forever, she'd do anything to make us work) or if it was just an act the whole time. Then I think I don’t want her to be a mega bitch to me at work, so I think about telling her as I say a final goodbye to her, also telling her I don’t want to see her face as long as I live as I'm on the way out the door for the last time (here at work).

Maybe I’m fantasizing that when the things don’t work out with the new guy she’ll come back and I can throw it all back in her face then so she can know that A) Karma’s a bitch, and B) She made her own bed now she can lie in it. My friend just thinks that I'm holding out hope with that thinking that she'll come back and if she gave me the truth I would work on things with her. And if it happened like that I don't know that I wouldn't say no if she tried hard enough...

I do know that while people's biggest regrets are the things they didn't say or do, there is just as much regret on the things we shouldn't have said or done. Should I call her out on this stuff, try to get the truth out of her, or just forever walk away while she thinks I'm a fool for not knowing?

[Boisdevie]

If you were 'taking a break' then this in itself does make me believe your relationship has no future. Don't hold out much hope my friend.

[Wakeup]

Very long story short, I found out the love of my life had been having another man over while we were taking a break, even though I thought we were moving in the right direction to get back together. Technically we weren't together, however were still in a sexual relationship at that point - just not labeled as boyfriend/girlfriend. I found this out after she had broken off the relationship for good.

We work together and she doesn't know that I know about this. She's told me lies which I believed up until the point that I figured it out. I'm looking for another job so I don't have to be around her anymore but I need to know how to handle the situation.

I want to call her out on her lying and "cheating" (is it really cheating since we weren't officially a couple or is that just an excuse she's told herself?) and tell her that she's ruined everything good that we had - great love, and a long time friendship - just so she could get something going with someone else. We're friends on facebook and she soon started officially seeing this guy changing her relationship status and changing her profile picture to them holding hands. Is she doing all this to piss me off? She says nothing more than she's sorry that she moved on so quickly that he really has the missing pieces she's been looking for (something she had told me as well) so I feel genuinely discarded and replaced. I want to call her out on all this especially because right now she bears no guilt or shame thinking that I don't know. However I don't want to cause a hostile work environment while I'm here.

I stave my fingers from emailing her more times a day than I'd like to express my pain and anger but I'm thinking that's what she wants to see. I want say these things now but I fear they'll have no impact on the way she currently thinks. Each day I come so close to addressing it with her that she’s thrown away everything but I wait. I think I’m just looking to find some guilt in her to test what she had said was real (that I was the best thing that had ever happened to us, that our love was forever, she'd do anything to make us work) or if it was just an act the whole time. Then I think I don’t want her to be a mega bitch to me at work, so I think about telling her as I say a final goodbye to her, also telling her I don’t want to see her face as long as I live as I'm on the way out the door for the last time (here at work).

Maybe I’m fantasizing that when the things don’t work out with the new guy she’ll come back and I can throw it all back in her face then so she can know that A) Karma’s a bitch, and B) She made her own bed now she can lie in it. My friend just thinks that I'm holding out hope with that thinking that she'll come back and if she gave me the truth I would work on things with her. And if it happened like that I don't know that I wouldn't say no if she tried hard enough...

I do know that while people's biggest regrets are the things they didn't say or do, there is just as much regret on the things we shouldn't have said or done. Should I call her out on this stuff, try to get the truth out of her, or just forever walk away while she thinks I'm a fool for not knowing?

You were the one that agreed to remain sexually active while your relationship had no committment, no label. When your sexual relationship has no committment (or strings as "they" call it) anyone can screw whom ever they want to.

Right now your ego is hurting because you mistook her intentions. Meanwhile she's just a selfish bitch who wanted to secure boy number two before letting go of boy number one. People who are afraid to be alone do that shit every single day and I don't think anyone's actually died from it happening to them (well unless they have huge issues in their psyches and they make themselves die).

Chalk this up to a lesson learned that you'll never allow yourself to "go on a break" from a relationship again. Either it's full on and resolved while still together or you breakup outright and you both get on with your life. Breaks are nothing more than chickens trying to disintangle themselves without having to look like a shit in anyone's eyes.
If you are dumb enough to do another break with some girl at least makes sure you both have break rules in place that you'll both adhere to .. Like no screwing or dating anyone else while we figure it out if we actually love one another or not.

I'd write a letter but I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of reading it.. I'd just read it over a couple of times and then when I was ready to let go of her and it and her selfishness and I'd burn it.

DONE!

[Mathias]

So basically, you're trying to be as vengeful as possible?

How does that help you in the long run?

[OmnicronPercei8]

So basically, you're trying to be as vengeful as possible?

How does that help you in the long run?

I'm not sure how you got that I'm trying to get vengeance out of this. My question was on whether I should tell her that I know about the lying and cheating and express my feelings at that time and if so what time would I be best off doing so. If it hurts her and gives makes her feel shame/regret after her damage has been done, I may gain some small satisfaction, but that isn't my intent. My selfish intent is to feel like i meant anything to her at all.

[OmnicronPercei8]

Chalk this up to a lesson learned that you'll never allow yourself to "go on a break" from a relationship again. Either it's full on and resolved while still together or you breakup outright and you both get on with your life. Breaks are nothing more than chickens trying to disintangle themselves without having to look like a shit in anyone's eyes.
If you are dumb enough to do another break with some girl at least makes sure you both have break rules in place that you'll both adhere to .. Like no screwing or dating anyone else while we figure it out if we actually love one another or not.

That's very good advice. In our case I don't believe that we were trying to disentangle ourselves but our break ups had happened before and a major root of that was that we had lost the ability to communicate as friends anymore. All our communication ended in petty fights over words taken out of context. We had done the whole back and forth thing a couple of times and I wanted to make sure that we were back to smooth sailing before we committed ourselves to each other again because I thought working on our problems together would just lead to us driving each other away.

In any case that's a very good point. I'll never allow that to happen again by taking a break. Once you're lucky to find something like love always make sure you're on stable footing because the ground can give away right under you before you even know it's gone.

I'd write a letter but I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of reading it.. I'd just read it over a couple of times and then when I was ready to let go of her and it and her selfishness and I'd burn it.

DONE!

I'd thought of doing something along those lines and that certainly would be a way to release my inner demons from it. My only problem is that she probably feels no guilt in thinking that I don't know and she doesn't feel that she truly hurt me. Like i stated to Mathias I guess that by telling her and forcing her to see the damage done is just a selfish desire though. Am I wrong for that?

[Windmillback]

You are very heartbroken and that is understandable. You are grieving a loss and anger is part of the grieving process. Do not e-mail her, text her, seek her out at work, talk to her or call her. When you see her at work speak to her politely, emotionless and keep it real short. Start healing from being in love with this girl and move on, it willtake some time and that is OK.

[girl68]

To simply answer you question: should you call her out? No.

You should delete her on facebook, and find a new job and do your very best to never ever speak to her again.

[Wakeup]

Like i stated to Mathias I guess that by telling her and forcing her to see the damage done is just a selfish desire though. Am I wrong for that?

I don't think your 'wrong' for thinking that. I think it's kind of human nature and programming. Not that I'm religious but I do know some bible and the old testiment (coming from God himself) It's all 'an eye for an eye." He's a vengful God. Then we get thrown the New Testiment and Jesus (the son) who is telling us no, no, no "Turn the other cheek." WTF? Who's right?

Anyway, I went on a bit of a rant there, sorry... Letting her know that you know she had sex in a crossover with you and another guy won't do anything to make her feel guilty or remorseful so why upset yourself by actually making contact with her? What satisfaction will you get by telling her you know other than letting her know that you know that she hood winked you? Better to give her the impression that you're just fine without her and you were simply enjoying the sex while she was still putting out. haha!

[reeba]

Most people have regrets WHEN they say something. Just call it good ridince and walk quietly away. Don't dwell or fantasize about what to say. Move on.

Anyway whose idea was it to take a break? I bet it was hers. Usually when someone wants a break, they have a possibility lined up. A break is their way of easing their conscience, but yet having you as the fall back man in case it doesn't work out.

[OmnicronPercei8]

She broke up with me and I was hurt at that time but we'd had some turmoil and she'd given me this push/pull relationship that I wasn't ok with so when she broke up with me I was prepared to just go my own way. Within two weeks time she was telling me she wanted me back and was apologizing saying that she was acting so nasty all the time because of her hormonal imbalance caused by the birth control she was taking. I was willing to make it work but at the same time was apprehensive to get right back into putting a lable on us for nothing to change.

While now I feel stupid for doing it since I've lost the girl, at the time it made a lot of sense. We were going to drive each other away permanently if we didn't step back and evaluate what we wanted. Plus I wanted a little reassurance that she was going to really try to work on her issues before putting my heart back out there. At the end of it all though, she started moving on while I was investing more and more of my heart into her.

And while she did end up with someone else, I'm willing to bet it doesn't last. I could be wrong but I'm thinking that she just eased her mind to get over me by jumping to a soft landing in the arms of another man. While they may or may not last I won't know because I've deleted her off facebook and have no intention of hearing about her being engaged or what not down the road from any of my friends.