Ex Boyfriend wants to 'take things slow'... what is he really saying?

[pickling]

To be as brief as possible, ex and I dated for 3 years. He broke up with me 1.5 months ago and I moved back home (so now we are long distance). I graduated college and am going to professional school in the fall. He has another year of undergrad, so we knew we would be long distance. He broke up with me for many issues, mostly because of the arguing. Well, I am his first serious girlfriend and I was broken. We had limited contact throughout the breakup, and he started talking to another girl. She is someone he met right after we broke up. She is working in a diff. state, but will be back at school with him in the fall. They skype and text occasionally, according to him. I decided to go to NC to move on. After strict NC, he got desperate and started texting me how sorry he was and that it was his fault we ended.

One day he begged to talk, and he said that he would like to take things slow and see where it goes. Over the last 2 days we decided to hash out our past problems and let the resentment go. Well, I asked what "taking it slow" entails for us, and he said we should remain single and see where talking again takes us. I brought up this girl he's been talking to, and he somewhat admitted to having a crush on her, but that he is not considering dating her. He said he would never hook up with her, but did not say why. I still feel weird about it. He said I should talk to other guys, because he wants to be sure we are not getting back together because we are lonely. I told him I feel like he is comparing me to her, and he said it is a good thing because we need to be sure before getting back together. He said he is not looking for dating anyone, but I don't know... he seems infatuated with her to some extent, and is obviously not going to give up talking to her. He said he feels comfortable talking to her because they dont know each other so he knows she won't judge him.

So from a guy's stand point, is he just having his cake and eating it too? When I told him I wasn't sure about this, he got defensive and said "why can't we just have normal conversations and not try to make things awkward?" When I said "So, I should date then?" He said that I should 'talk' to other guys, but dating is a bit much. WTF. help me out guys, he is so hard to understand, and I do not want to be played for a fool. It is obviously not about sex because he, she, and I are long distance.

[zerokool189]

I'd let him go. sounds like too much work already. You don't need to think or feel all these things about the other girl, either. There are tons of dudes out there that would love to get to know you.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Tell him relationship or nothing and go back into strict NC.

[zerokool189]

AH! I thought NC was North Carolina! I guess no contact makes more sense now...

[BackUpOrGetStng]

So zerokool, you been getting in on any of the #antisec operation?

[zerokool189]

Ha! Most people don't know what my name means, they usually assume I think I am uncool.... thanks for making me laugh

[pickling]

Thanks for the replies.. I have been contemplating just pulling out the ultimatums, but he responds in such a hostile way. I do want to get back together with him, but I am starting to feel mixed feelings about this. Apart of me feels like I am being put on hold until he figures out what he wants (me or her). I started saying that we should just got back to NC until he is sure of what he wants, because I am no safety net. He got a little upset saying that, that is not how it is, and that he needs me to date other people too so he can be 100% sure that I also know that I want him. I hope he is not bullshitting me...ugh!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

That's hilarious. As I was reading the second to last sentence, I was thinking, "Wow, she must like eating bullshit". Then, I read the last sentence..

Anyway, yes, he is bullshitting you. Tell him you're sure of what you want, and he is not to contact you unless he wants to resume a committed relationship with you. End discussion. Ignore him.

Why do you care if he's upset with your personal boundaries? Don't compromise them for him.

[DannyH]

Pretty much your his backup plan. If he can't find anybody else he will run back to you. Ultimatums aren't even worth pulling if you feel the need to pull one its just best to back out.

[pickling]

I agree with you. I just dont understand what the point of him keeping me around is, when we are very long distance. It is not like i am any emotional support, especially when he has her! And last night he mentioned to me that he might travel to see me this weekend before he goes off to study abroad since he does not know when we will see each other next. That confuses me a bit too...

[DannyH]

When people think like that they really are not thinking rationally so its going to be confusing which is why its best to not worry about it.

[brittanywaters1]

your a back up plan, or a quickie

[ctr916]

Can people ever have too many friends (with benefits)? If you still think you may want a friendship with him then why not text and email and do your own thing anyway.