number of times he had sex

[shymaira]

While getting to know my boyfriend, I asked him if he ever had sex (he's 37 yrs old, and so I was really expecting he did many times) and he said no, he never had.

Later on we were just talking in normal conversation, and i told him how important honesty is to me. He took a big sigh and said he has something to tell me. He told me he had sex with his last girlfriend once. He said he didn't want to lose me and that's why he lied, especially since i never had sex before.

I was hurt he lied but let it go. i told him i appreciate his honesty. But then I kept thinking, how could someone have sex "just once" with their last girlfriend. I felt like he was lying...so I told him how its possible to do it just once with someone you're dating for 9 months. And again he came clean and said ok, we had sex like twice...twice in the same day, that's all.

I lost trust in him, and he said you should give me another chance. But why would he lie to me when I don't care how many times he had sex, all i want is someone honest and i told him this over and over again. So i gave it another shot. And again somehow in conversation I probed him more cause I really want to gain trust in him and see his eyes when he tells me and i really hate lies.Then he said ok i had sex a few times with her but less than 10 times.

Then he got mad and said I shouldn't even be asking him this. I agreed. But i told him normally I never ask a guy how many times he had sex before...but the whole issue got started when he lied to me about never having sex at all...and then started putting numbers on the number of times.

Aggh.... Its not the sex that bothers me..its the LIES. i am so attracted to this guy, but how can i gain his trust again?

[Wakeup]

Who in the hell are you trying to kid? Do you honestly expect a 37 year old man to have never had sex or, to have had sex only once or twice while in a committed relationship of more than two days?

His sex life while not with you is none of your business and if you want to set a guy up like the way you tried to set him up then you deserve to be alone while you search for a virgin who won't lie.

Good luck with that.

[misombra]

since you two were not officially together at the time then i don't think it's your business either way.

i don't know how you will trust him. those are stupid things to lie about. perhaps he doesn't trust you enough to be honest about his experiences. maybe he think that you will disapprove of his past sexual encounters (or lack of) and make him feel bad about it.

maybe he has a small penis or something. or one of any size that doesn't function properly.

just tell him that he doesn't have to lie to kick it.

[shymaira]

wakeup - may be you didn't get the jist of what i just said. i am not looking for a virgin... i'm looking for someone who's honest with me...i don't care the number of times and i never asked him..he's the one who offered that information to begin with..i wish he never did cause it made it obvious to me he was lying...

[misombra]

lying. red flag #1 imo.

[Wakeup]

Yes.. lying to me is a red flag as well, but she set this guy up that no matter what he did, she'd be all over his ass. She can tell us all she wants that she'd be fine with him having sex, even lots of times, as long as he didn't lie and I'd never believe her. The very fact that she asked "if he HAD sex" not how many sexual partners have you had, Makes me think it's some kind of religious thing and she'd not be happy if he lied or if he told her the truth. The guy couldn't win that shit test if he tried.

Even if he deflected with some brilliant philosophical reply, she'd find something wrong with him even then.

...i don't care the number of times and i never asked him..

Then why did you say this:

I asked him if he ever had sex

I know you're a virgin but I think you set yourself up for failure by asking him if "he ever" had sex.

Bottom line: You didn't like the answer and you didn't like the lie. Next him and keep searching or forgive him and keep going keeping in mind of course that he lied.

P.S. Sorry for the agression but I think you know why he lied... because he was afraid how you would react to the truth due to your probing and how you asked the original question. No excuse to lie but that is likely why he did it. If you want to be able to trust him then you have to give him time to trust you enough to feel safe to tell you the truth. Or; at the very least change the interogation type questions about his personal life prior to you comiing along. You don't say how long you've been dating but by saying" "In the process of getting to know my bf" which indicates to me its not very long.

[shymaira]

wakeup...

appreciate your input, but we are complete strangers and so please don't make assumptions about me. yes i'm a virigin, and no, i don't see the fact that he had sex before as a failure! in fact, i like guys that are experienced. A guy who knows what he's doing in bed is a turn on for me. I've been in relationships before with guys that are way more experienced than me, and I've fallen in love before a guy who had sex with several people before, but was honest and straight up from day one to tell me this fact.

that being said, I wish the guy i'm dating now didn't start offering me the number of times he's had sex before...cause it just didn't sound believeable. . I wouldn't have asked how many times if he had just been honest and simply said he had sex before. But once he started offering the number of times ie. "just once" and then" just twice" and then "three times" or "less than 10"......not sure what to make of it.

Its the fact that he keeps lying over and over again that turns me off more than anything....

[Wakeup]

Sorry, however: My point:

No excuse to lie but that is likely why he did it. If you want to be able to trust him then you have to give him time to trust you enough to feel safe to tell you the truth. Or; at the very least change the interogation type questions about his personal life prior to you comiing along. You don't say how long you've been dating but by saying" "In the process of getting to know my bf" which indicates to me its not very long.

If anything I think for me the red flag would have been his stupidity. I would lose attraction for a guy who thought that I would believe him having had sex only once while in a long term relationship. Or, even if I did believe him because I wouldn't like a guy that would stay with someone and be content with having had sex only once ;o). Nor would I be attracted to someone who actually counted the number of times .. lol

What will you do? Stay or cash in your chips?

[shymaira]

no clue what i will do wakeup. i'm confused!

if anyone has advice would be appreciated.

i feel like such a slut too, cause i like fooling around with him, am major attracted to him, but i'm not sure if i can see myself trusting him enought to move our relationship into something serious. he, on the other hand, keeps telling me he wants a serious relationship and that he doesn't want to just fool around. he tells me not to watse his time. He keeps asking me a million times if i like him, and texts me every day so many times. i never text him first, but every day he texts me with msgs like i miss you, etc...


i feel like the "guy" in this relationship, hoping to move things slowly and then hopefully turn things into a serious relationship, but then he is really looking to start a family asap. both his parents died when he was in his 20s and now he has no family. anyway i feel sory for him, and yes i'm super attracted to him physically, and somewhat emotionally too, but there's just no trust.

[VincenzoG91]

Seems like you're on a quest for perfection. Good luck with that. Yeah, dishonesty is a bad sign, but your question was odd in the first place, and your reaction has been extreme.

[MerryH]

What a stupid thing to lie about. I don't think I would continue a relationship after that.

Just curious, are you much younger than him?

[HeartIsAching]

1. You didn't trust him, or you would have accepted his answer.

2. You have issues with security or you wouldn't have asked him at all.

3. You have control issues, as made obvious by your belaboring the questioning until you got answers you were unhappy hearing anyhow.

4. You need help.

[Wakeup]

I wonder how long you have been dating?

Perhaps you just need to tell him to quit pressuring you and you're not wasting his time because you want to get to know him. How can you possibly know what you want after such a short period of time? Has it been a short period of time?

[reeba]

First I think you are both silly. I hate that word, but I can't think of another right now to describe this whole situation.

- The guy is playing you, and not sticking with his lie is making him sound pathetic, and lieing to the extreme that it isn't believable makes him stupid. The 'I didn't want to lose you' was BS, he was more thinking 'what can I say so I can get in there'
- Everyone lies about their sexual past. You think when someone quotes numbers they are counting the jerk they dated for 2 weeks, or a drunken mishaps with someone they would have normally given a second look. Don't ask a question that is normal for someone to lie about.

This guy needs to be gotten rid of. He is manipulating you with a very very blatant lie. And he is stupid for telling such an unbelievable lie. And he is pathetic for not sticking to the lie.

And you need to not ask such personal questions and EXPECT honesty.

[kageri]

He sounds way too concerned about what you think to the point of being completely insecure and having to come up with lies about what he thinks you want him to say. Personally I'd go find someone more comfortable with who they are and all the checking to see if you like him would come off as too clingy to me.

I see no reason why a guy can't answer such questions honestly. I have no problem answering those questions honestly. My husband would have no problems answering them honestly if I cared to ask exactly how many times he's had sex or exactly how many people. I'm not sure he remembers but he'd give the most honest answer he could. Other guys I dated had no problem saying they were virgins or had x number of girlfriends and how many they had sex with if it came up in conversation. I generally didn't ask exact numbers but I do make it a point to ask if they've had sex. I did date a 30 year old who was a virgin. *was* After dating a few virgins I found it preferable to stick with guys who had at least some experience so it is actually a question I asked of nearly everyone. Many women (I do mean many) actually do prefer their partners to have had some or even lots of experience.