Borderline Personality Disorder?

[OmnicronPercei8]

I'm not looking for a real diagnosis here, but am wondering if anyone here had any experience dealing with someone with BPD. My ex, Sandy a few years ago told me she was diagnosed with it and exhibited a few more of the traits that my most recent ex had. For example that one that had talked of suicide, was into drug use and excessive alcohol use, and would break up with me just so she could go have an affair with someone else.

My most recent ex didn't do any of those things, however she did drink quite a bit when we would get an evening together, but so did I so I don't think that's anything to really note. She also rebounded before she even broke it off with me and the new guy apparently is now what she was looking for. Apparently that’s another trait of BPD.

We were friends for two years prior to dating and I only started having real feelings for her once she became available. She claimed that she had feelings for me long before she broke up with her ex-fiance. Within a month of dating we were telling each other “I love you” and she seemed to be really idolizing me saying I was the best lover, boyfriend, etc she’d ever had (possible splitting). I felt that she grew attached to me very quickly and really made me feel important more than anyone ever had before. Once we broke up though she still claims that she meant those things but just doesn’t feel it now and from everything I’ve read on BPD they pretty much start getting really nasty when it’s over. So I really don’t know. Anyway as a measure to get over her, I wrote her a letter discussing all that I found wrong with the relationship. I don’t plan on giving her this letter but it’s just a tool for me to take off the rose colored glasses and take her off the pedestal I had placed her on when I was in love. In essence it’s a way for me to get over her.

Anyway, I don’t know if anyone has any dealings with BPD but maybe you can take a look at some of my points I’m making with her and tell me if she sounds like she is…

I also want to add that I know it would be easier for me to write her off as crazy to move on, but whether she is or not my feelings were the same. I would actually really would rather believe that we just couldn't work instead of her being crazy. I know that I'm crazy though because I'd still take her back at this time. Guess I'll keep reading the letter until I can just wash my hands of her!

PS this is only part of the letter and like I said, I don't intend to actually give this to her. She seems civil right now and I don't want her turning into a vampire.

[OmnicronPercei8]

I remembered at least once or twice we would be texting and it was like trying to read between the lines if you truly wanted me to come over. Because I would say “well do you want me to come over”, you would say that it sounded like I didn’t want to come over. That’s pretty much the biggest issue I think I had with you. Your ability to take the most negative possible meaning out of something I would say. That’s not normal and whether you were just crazy around me or not, I can see that repeating with your new man whenever you start getting into more serious terms. I remember being aggravated with you at the gym because we’d had some jacked up conversation about if I was supposed to come over and when I was supposed to be there and your feelings were hurt and taking everything out of context. I came home and was still not sure if I needed to come to your house because I was supposed to read your mind and I guess that was my failing for not just assuming you wanted me there. We started chatting online and you were getting bent out of shape way too easily and I could tell things were starting to get nasty with the conversation, so I left you online and rushed over to your surprise. You had cried for a little bit because you thought that I was ignoring you online at the height of your rant. You were shaking because you were so mad. You had told me that night that if someone pissed you off you were quick to write them off on go “dancing on their grave”.

I saw a lot of that in our relationship. Not necessarily with me (even though whenever we would break it off you showed little remorse until later) but other people in your life that you had once loved and you wrote off. You seem to devalue people in your life pretty easily. Your dad couldn’t meet your emotional needs so you didn’t have anything nice to say bout him. You said things like you hoped that I wouldn’t get along with him and I would never need to seek his blessing for your hand in marriage. And your sister-in-law was someone you told me at first you loved to death, and then after she had been living with you for a while you talked all kinds of shit on her. I know how it is having a room mate, but you would say some pretty mean things about her being lazy and not doing crap and getting on your nerves constantly because she wouldn’t shut up. You would also put it all on your brother who you’d call a P.O.S. Your brother who you told me you had a really close connection with growing up but here he was now just a P.O.S. It seems to me that if people don’t fall in line with the way you want them to act they are worthless to you. You said that I talked shit on everyone and that wasn’t true. At first you and I would joke and make fun of people at work but for me it was never nasty spirited because I just don’t like to be like that but after a while I found myself doing it because you did it. You would even talk shit on your only “friend” at work saying that she was always just looking for free food, and you avoided going out with her on her birthday after you told her you would because you didn’t want to hang out with her friends. You complained about this or that constantly and again that was something that I did when I was with my ex and I changed that about myself years ago, but you brought that back in me. I thought you very much reminded me of a 27 y/o version of myself. I remember telling you to chill out and give people a chance. You would eventually listen to me and say I was right but you wanted to be negative about it all at first. Remember not liking Ann until she helped you or Jessica until she thanked you? Before I was seeing you, I really only disliked one or two people in the building, but months later I remember backing up your negative opinions on this person or that person. And then when you broke it off with me you had the nerve to blame me!!

I paid witness to your devaluation of many people, especially your ex’s. While it’s easy to talk crap about former ex’s people tend to respect the relationships where the love was stronger than others and you don’t walk away saying “I never really loved that person”. You claimed that you never really loved your former husband and was pressured into marrying him, and you never intended to marry your ex-fiance even though right up to breaking it off with him you were telling him you loved him. And yes, even your former ex Nick who you claimed to be the love of your life prior to me. You said that he was everything you wanted and you guys held off on having sex, but once you did you found your eyes wandering because the sex couldn’t keep you. You claimed to be more mature now than you were then, but when we were working on our relationship you decided to let your eyes wander all over again. You had said you had been looking for someone like him your entire adult life and had found that in me, but of course I was wary. After all the previous loves you really devalued when telling me about them, all of them even though they probably meant much more at the time and much more to the other person. I wish I could speak with some of them and find out their side of the story. I really felt like what we had was fleeting in the moment and worried about that solely because of the things you would say about exes. But at the same time I guess I kind of get that too, after all, that’s how we learn. I don’t expect you back at this point, but it wouldn’t surprise me if you did end up breaking up with the guy and then at least telling me that he didn’t mean nearly as much to you as you thought he did. You had also downplayed me a couple of times when we had been hanging out and drinking. I remember you told me several times that other women would never value me for me as being witty and funny as I was to you, and you and only you were a good match for me. I don’t know if this was a way to hurt my confidence so I wouldn’t go anywhere else but I’m too strong a person for that kind of mind game. Had I said any of those things to you I’m sure we would have been fighting about it.

While I’m talking about former relationships, I might as well include the fact that it was never ok for me to talk about former girlfriends because you would get jealous, but you talked about your ex’s all the time! Even though my stories were highly situational about a girl I just happened to be dating and was with when this or that would happen. You told me about all kinds of stories with your exes. I’m not sure if that was your crazy tendencies with me or just immaturity on your part. As most people know that you talk about your former relationships as a way to examine what you did wrong, what you learned, and how you’ve changed to accommodate the person your with. You even got jealous of movie stars and singers I found attractive and then threw it in my face that you would “hook up” with the stars you liked if ever given the chance. So what? Your jealousy was absurd. Stuff like fighting over me salivating over other women (when I clearly wasn’t – I was even making a mental effort not to look in their general direction) but that wasn’t good enough. I remember getting into a fight with you because I had mentioned the new girl at work and someone talking to her. What you heard in your mind was “the new girl with the sweet ass”. Even if I thought that do you think I would have been so stupid to say so?? No, but you put the words right in my mouth anyway. When you were upset that I was wanting to join a different gym than you (even though most of the time we would have been on different work out schedules anyway) it wasn’t that I wanted to join a different gym. To you it meant I only wanted to join a gym with a lot more females. And since I had told you prior to dating you that I had hit on several women at the gym you thought that’s why I was still going. So when I mentioned that I was wanting to go to the big gym you threw it up in my face that you were going to go to the small gym and be the only female there and tell me about all the times you were getting hit on. That was more of your undermining bullshit to try to control my feelings toward you.

You were very crazy acting and you even admitted it on several occasions. Later on in the relationship you blamed it on the birth control, but at first you blamed it on your feelings for me. “I have never been with someone I love as much as you; I guess that’s why I act so crazy”. You even told me after we were through for a month that you just felt saner. I can somewhat understand being completely into each other and feeling a little crazy, but it sucks that if it were because of your such strong feelings with me I had to put up with that. Something tells me if that’s true then that’s why your mediocre relationships last as long as they do.

You always blamed me telling me that I was the one to get defensive and come out with my claws and get shitty with you, but in actuality I remember you starting the actual fight off with me many times. Recipe for one of our fights – I say something ambiguous. You decide to take some shitty meaning out of it. I wait ten minutes while you brood and I don’t even know I’ve said anything wrong. You give me a verbal lashing. I defend myself (to no avail) and am prepare to do battle (I guess this is where my claws actually would come out!) We fight. Things get said (or don’t get said and you put words in my mouth). Things that get said at the height of the argument somehow become your reason the argument started. I end up feeling horrible and not wanting to fight anymore and you make the whole thing my fault and I somehow believe you. I’d say sorry so many times until I could make you believe it because to you “I was just saying it to make you happy”. You’re your a logical thinking person but enter an argument with you and check logic and reasoning at the door! Expressing my own feelings was another reason you would want to start a fight. I’d tell you what I think is going wrong with the relationship from my point of view, and you would instantly make it about you. Again at the end something I would want to get addressed would get turned back on me and I’d be the one apologizing for not worrying about YOUR feelings enough. The only time I could address what I thought you were doing wrong in the relationship was during one of our breakups and you would apologize and said you’d change but you never would even try.

You weren’t even consistent on the things you would want to fight about! You started a fight with me because I didn’t leave your house early enough one morning. You started a fight with me because I didn’t stay long enough another morning! We got into an argument at work over something stupid and I went to the grocery after work. I was going to come by and give you a hug to make up but I came to the door and you said you were in the bathroom and couldn’t get to the door. I left before you answered the door. When I got home you called and were very nasty. Instead of thinking it was a sweet gesture that I was coming to make up with you, you got even MADDER because I didn’t respect your time with your son all because your dog was barking and it woke him up from his nap!! We got to keep fighting until the next day or so when it should have ended on your doorstep. In fact, you loved to argue. We’d get into a fight on when I was coming over and then you’d all be like I don’t know if I want you to come over at all. I would say well I’m sorry this got started but I can come over any time and this can be finished and you would want to drag it out for another hour!

You would also say some vicious things during those fights and getting you to take ownership of the wrongness of saying some of the stuff was futile as was getting an apology. Sorry “but” was your favorite was of saying sorry. “Sorry but if you hadn’t pushed my buttons or hurt my feelings I wouldn’t have said those things”. “Sorry but I have PMS so I am allowed to be nasty”.

[devonbrown]

From the National Institute of Health ([url]http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001931/):[/url]

Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others.
These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships.
People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly.
People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.
Other symptoms of BPD include:
Fear of being abandoned
Feelings of emptiness and boredom
Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
Intolerance of being alone
Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing

Here is what I would suggest - Don't worry about whether she has a personality disorder. Don't obsess over the reasons "why" the relationship ended. Simply accept that it ended and move forward with YOUR life. Concentrate on things that make you happy, expand your social circle, etc. Thinking about why will only make you crazy.