bloody hell... women

[trippy]

This is my first post on these forums as I am just so confused as to what to do. Heres my story...

About 5 months ago, I broke it off with my girlfriend of nearly two years. Not because I didnt love her, I did and I still do, but because I didnt want to hold her back. The story is, she lived in the UK to study at uni and afterwards she moved to London to be closer to me. She is not from this country, shes from Cyprus and for the first few months it was all great. However, she had trouble finding work and was miserable as I was the only person who she had in this country. She missed home and would cry about her situation, and to make it worse, her mother had already secured her a job back home. I couldn't really stand and watch her deteriorate and gave as much support as I could. All this caused a lot of arguments which affected our relationship, however we still loved each other and that much was quite obvious.

The situation got worse and worse and in the end I told her she should go back home because its for the best for her and that we should break up. It was difficult for her, and it was for me too. Eventually, she moved back home, and after a couple of weeks, I had regretted doing what I had done. I told her for some time how sorry I was and i wish I had never broken up with her, but she was rightfully angry at me. I had spent over a month trying to get in her good books, and told her I would like to visit her, however the anger was still there. In the end, I said we shouldnt speak anymore then because I was finding it difficult to talk to the 'one that got away' and pretending that we could be friends. I told her all this and she started crying and saying she doesnt want to break contact with me. I told her its the best thing, and that I would remove her from all possible means of communication, facebook, skype, msn etc. She cried alot when I suggested these things and said at least I shouldnt remove her from facebook as she wants to keep the memories of us and have some form of communication and that she still loved me and didnt want to lose me in her life. In the end I promised I wouldnt close my facebook account.

We hadnt spoken for about two months and when we did talk on the facebook chat function, we just asked how we were and have we met anyone else etc. She told me she has met someone, but they were not dating yet, just a potential guy. As I still had feelings for this girl, I told her this is it, and removed her from facebook. Now she keeps trying to lay a guilt trip on me about how I broke promises, broke up with her, and that she cant believe me etc. I told her I cant see her in someone elses arms, but she keeps messaging me telling me to accept her on facebook and skype and that she would like to keep in contact and wants me in her life. (just not bf/gf). So she has a potential new boyfriend, and knows that I still have feelings for her, but insists I remain in her life.

What do I do, and why is she insisting we keep in contact even though she knows how I feel about her? Maybe im missing something or not seeing things clearly, is she trying to punish me for breaking her heart? any advice?

[ladyl]

I think it just sounds like she's really confused and doesn't know what she wants. The best things in that situation is probably to cut all contact for a while and give each other space to work through all the emotional stuff. Doesn't sound like she's ready to move on from you. Sometimes right after a break up you're so emotional that you're not really in the right frame of mind to think of behave rationally. Best to have some space and time to heal then re-assess the situation. Even if there is no chance of you getting back together you will be better able to deal with it given a bit of time and space. I would just say to her that you really hope you can be friends in the future but at the moment it's best for both of you to take some time out from each other.

[trippy]

Thank you for the reply ladyl. The thing is, I guess im quite a jealous person, and I wouldnt want anything to do with her if she had a boyfriend. I dont know how I will feel in a few months or a years time, but at the moment I want nothing to do with her. It just makes things really difficult when keeping in contact with you ex when you still have unfinished business. Today I removed her from all forms of communication, and I told her I did this. She got upset, but I dont really care anymore, I would rather just move on. If shes confused about her feelings and what she feels for me, I think some time away from me will put things in perspective. I know she still loves me, she tells me this, but whats the point of beating a dead horse? If its meant to be, it will be. Let fate handle it.

[steviej]

What you're doing is correct, in a situation like this it's 'all or nothing' you cannot be friends after all that you've had together so soon after breaking up. Personally, it wasn't until a year later and i'd met someone else that i could speak to my ex, know she was seeing someone else and not be the slightest bit bothered, but that was a full year of no contact!

You're doing the right thing, explain to her that you need to get your head sorted and in the future you'll contact her (you may well end up never bothering though once you're over her!)

[Wakeup]

What do I do, and why is she insisting we keep in contact even though she knows how I feel about her? Maybe im missing something or not seeing things clearly, is she trying to punish me for breaking her heart? any advice?

Unless you have plans on moving to cyprus I have to ask why you just haven't blocked her so that she can't contact you.

Keeping in contact with her is just torturing the both of you and it's nonsense to keep in contact. If you use logic...there aren't too many boyfriends out there that will be happy with her keeping in contact with a past lover, same with gf's when you get one. Why torment yourselves and more than likley cause problems in any new relationship either of you get involved in?

All relationships come to an end either through death or circumstance. Time to cut the apron strings on this one so that you both can heal and find lovers/partners that are more suitable for one another.

[flynhayn]

I can relate to how crappy this situation can be.... it sucks.

I know a lot of time has passed since the breakup, but you guys haven't been handling it correctly and it pretty much just takes you back to square one every time you talk to her. Once a breakup happens, the "connection" remaining between you two becomes extremely fragile and can be easily ruined by not letting things take the proper course. You need to completely leave her alone for a while... that means removing from facebook, email, phone, or anything else you could jump on to contact her. If she tries to contact you afterwards, ignore it. Once enough time has passed, things will settle down to where you can have a mature conversation about everything without the jealousy and tension. There's no way to tell how long it's going to take to get to that point, but as long as you man up and do it, you'll feel it when the time is right.

Be prepared for the worst though.... your relationship does seem salvageable but don't bank on it. Either of you may end up realizing that the breakup was the best thing for you and just drop it altogether.

[trippy]

I can relate to how crappy this situation can be.... it sucks.

I know a lot of time has passed since the breakup, but you guys haven't been handling it correctly and it pretty much just takes you back to square one every time you talk to her. Once a breakup happens, the "connection" remaining between you two becomes extremely fragile and can be easily ruined by not letting things take the proper course. You need to completely leave her alone for a while... that means removing from facebook, email, phone, or anything else you could jump on to contact her. If she tries to contact you afterwards, ignore it. Once enough time has passed, things will settle down to where you can have a mature conversation about everything without the jealousy and tension. There's no way to tell how long it's going to take to get to that point, but as long as you man up and do it, you'll feel it when the time is right.

Be prepared for the worst though.... your relationship does seem salvageable but don't bank on it. Either of you may end up realizing that the breakup was the best thing for you and just drop it altogether.

Thats exactly what I feel. Every time we talk, its back to square one and just makes things work. Although she was quite upset, I had to put my foot down and say this is best for the both of us. If the relationship cant be salvaged, then I guess I have to accept it. It wont be easy, but I'll get through it. Keeping in contact and never really talking about the root causes of our break up or really accepting it is like being in some sort of purgatory, your'e never going anywhere.