grass is greener syndrome/ young mindset?

[firefly88]

Hello,

I was dumped by my boyfriend of 1.5 years at the end of our first year at uni. We had been friends/ unofficially dating for a year or so before getting together, and then got into the same uni to do the same course, so we thought our dreams had come true. neither of us had been in a relationship before therefore we were each others first for everything.

we are very similar in personality, like the same sort of things, shy and reserved. But then after a few months at uni he began to see me less and less, hung out with his friends more often than me, so I backed off to give him space, as I feared I might be smothering him, therefore settled for seeing him in the evening and leaving him alone to hang out with friends during the day in lectures etc... He stopped contacting me to meet, and when I contacted him to meet 8/10 he refuse and say he was doing something with his new friends instead, then never re-arrange. I was heartbroken because i loved him so very much, i felt rejected and hurt, so I became a little resentful... on nights out he'd ignore me and get very very drunk and only talk to his friends, we never seemed to have anything to say to one another anymore, the only time he'd come to me was when he was really drunk and needed help/ wanted sex... I don't drink thus I was always there able to help him out when he was vomiting all over me and couldnt stand up - embarrassing at formal events I must say... he could never understand why I got so mad at him for that...

he wouldn't take time to talk to me so a couple of times when I felt upset I'd send him an email expressing myself, he never mentioned these nor replied - wrong way to do things I know, but at the time it was all I could do...

I got so worked up one night that I finally exploded, said something a little mean in-front of one of his female friends when he ignored me asking him to do something and when she told him to do it he jumped immediately (that he follows her around like a puppy - ugh I cant believe I said that...) and told him him I felt lik his f**k buddy rather than a gf, how pushed away I felt etc.. and if he wanted to end it for him to just tell me - he refused and said he wanted to be with me... he made an effort for a few days then suddenly all contact fell away and he broke up with me 2 weeks later saying that he just didn't love me anymore, that I say things that make him cringe (?!), I didnt fit in enough with his new (loud/laddish/ boisterous) friends (whom he tries so hard to fit in with pretending to be someone he's not...) - I asked him how I could have been a better gf as I felt I was good and attentive - he told me that I could stop wearing one of my jumpers I used to wear when I was cold because apparently it looked hideous on me with skinny jeans... I wanted to die when he said that - hes hardly into fashion himself... he then made excuses saying he didn't have time for a gf now, that he felt it would be more of a commitment if we carried on over a year, that he wanted to try new things.... yada yada... but wanted to be friends

we came back to uni after the holidays and all he's done is run away and avoid me, I asked to talk - he refused, deleted most of our fb pics, but not all of them, ignores me in uni, pretends not to see me, gets all nervy and awkward if I try and say hi, acts ignorant/ bored and exits asap.. yet he turns up where I am, watches me like a hawk, hates the fact I have new love interest (will not talk to the guy who was supposedly his friend) and I see him with my fb chat tab open on his laptop even though we havent talked on there for months.

he's not had much luck with the ladies since we broke up as far as I know, he had a one drunken night stand (totally out of character) but with a girl that looked and sounded like me (accent wise) - there are even rumors nothing happened, in that he took her home and they chickened out...

is this GIG or him wanting to play the field - do you reckon he'd ever regret things because we were so so so close to start with, absolutely in tune with one another in everway, totally in love, I really dont understand what happened, one day everything was fine... the next.... sigh

sorry for long post!

thanks in advance x

[akatrma]

I guess you and your boyfriend are quite young. One sign of immaturity in a guy is to act "out of character". He might be different from his "loud and noicy" friend but he might desire not to be thus really tries to be something you think he is not. It's all part of getting to know yourself and be confident in who you are. This guy sounds like he is searching for who he is and when guys are in that process they are not ready for a steady relationship. I know, because I've acted the same way, trying to fit in with people I admired and thought was cool, putting on an act trying to become someone I was ill suited to be. I tried to figure out who I should be when I grew up and there are a lot of "roles" to try.

So dear firefly88. It has nothing to do with the way you are or the way you dress. Your ex boyfriend is exploring his own personality and who he is and in that process you are many times a distraction and obstacle as you wish to have him "as he really is". He is not mature enough for a relationship and there is not much you can do about it except move on.

[firefly88]

thanks for the reply akatrma- sensible words x
it jsut frustrates me because when we used to talk he seemed so sure of himself and comfortable with who he was... and with me! But coming to uni changed all of that and he became someone else entirely, I see glimpses of the old him often and it pains me that he can just acept thats who he is and I loved him as he was :\ surely he'd be happier that way... do you think he'll ever look back in the future, past uni and think - hmmm that was dumb?

[akatrma]

Oh yes, he will look back on that period and say think it was very dumb. I know I do for some of the things I did. It's kind of remembering your childhood and some of the more embarassing things you did back then. Yet it is a phase and he will probably not feel one bit guilty of it. It will go down in the "I was young and didn't know any better".

I don't know if this likeness will make it easier to grasp but when I was very young (like 13-14) a girl I like flirted with me. I thought she liked me and I brought her flowers and she laughed in my face. Later in life when I told the story back to her at a class reunion, she did admit that she was flirting with me but only as a experiment to see what it was like to flirt with someone ("to see if it worked, if I could sort of"). It's was "not a nice thing to do, but we were kids".

What he does it not a nice thing to do, but he is a kid still, not yet a man and I think it's the best way to look at it.

[bulrush]

I'm not sure why it matters if he will think what he did was dumb. It sounds like you have moved in, which I think is good. It is always difficult to break up with a first love. But it has to be done, so you can see things more clearly, and grow as a person. You don't want love to blind you and you get hooked up with a real monster.

[sadie_genie]

Sounds like he is trying to get rid of you. He sounds immature for his age. I would consider people in university as adults. Let him be and stop pestering him. Get on with your life.