Mind won't let me move on

[OmnicronPercei8]

It has been just over a month since my ex decided to break it off with me for good. As anyone who has read any of my other posts about it may know that we had taken a "break" and were about a month into it. I thought things were moving in the right direction with the last piece of the puzzle missing was that I needed to get another job so I would be happier in life in general. Through that time she was checking out of the relationship though, and securing another relationship before she cut the strings.

It's been a month and I've been through every stage of the mourning cycle even grasping acceptance a couple of times only to have it slip from my grasp... I never know how I'm going to feel on certain days. The beginning of last week I was desperate to try to talk her to coming back to me... when her relationship with the new guy inevitably ends. By weeks end I was realizing all the crappy things she said and did to me and could actually go periods of time without thinking of her.

But the weekends seem to mentally reboot my yearning for her. I don't know if it's just that we would text non-stop through the weekends, or we were spending every free second we had with each other. I try to fill my weekends trying to do things that she and I didn't share but my mind keeps going back to our relationship. I wake up in the morning am immediately my first thought (even before I've had a chance to open my eyes) are of her. I know that she just wasn't good for me, and if she ever came back I'd point her in the other direction, but I can't seem to stop thinking of her. So I don't know if I'd trust myself to even do that. I know one reason that I'm having such a hard time letting go though. When she broke it off with me I felt she was making a mistake and my biggest fear was that she would realize it too late after my heart had moved on so on some subconscious level (or even consciously) I am still holding out for her to come back to me. Even if I don't want her...? I don't even know if that makes any sense.

Anyway just down about it all this morning. Thanks for reading...

[DarkHelmet82]

It has been just over a month since my ex decided to break it off with me for good. As anyone who has read any of my other posts about it may know that we had taken a "break" and were about a month into it. I thought things were moving in the right direction with the last piece of the puzzle missing was that I needed to get another job so I would be happier in life in general. Through that time she was checking out of the relationship though, and securing another relationship before she cut the strings.

It's been a month and I've been through every stage of the mourning cycle even grasping acceptance a couple of times only to have it slip from my grasp... I never know how I'm going to feel on certain days. The beginning of last week I was desperate to try to talk her to coming back to me... when her relationship with the new guy inevitably ends. By weeks end I was realizing all the crappy things she said and did to me and could actually go periods of time without thinking of her.

But the weekends seem to mentally reboot my yearning for her. I don't know if it's just that we would text non-stop through the weekends, or we were spending every free second we had with each other. I try to fill my weekends trying to do things that she and I didn't share but my mind keeps going back to our relationship. I wake up in the morning am immediately my first thought (even before I've had a chance to open my eyes) are of her. I know that she just wasn't good for me, and if she ever came back I'd point her in the other direction, but I can't seem to stop thinking of her. So I don't know if I'd trust myself to even do that. I know one reason that I'm having such a hard time letting go though. When she broke it off with me I felt she was making a mistake and my biggest fear was that she would realize it too late after my heart had moved on so on some subconscious level (or even consciously) I am still holding out for her to come back to me. Even if I don't want her...? I don't even know if that makes any sense.

Anyway just down about it all this morning. Thanks for reading...

this sounds like me... I cant really give you advice as I just dont know.. people will tell you all sorts of things, and nothing will work. the ONLY thing I do know is that you are doing this to yourself and YOU control your mind. Take control.

[OmnicronPercei8]

I think I"m just hung up on the fact that I never got true closure. The entire break up occurred over emails and texts. She didn't even grant me an opportunity to sit down with her and look into my eyes while she told me the lies she had come to believe. I know it sounds sappy, but I never even got a last hug. I went literally from everything in her telling me I was the love of her life to nothing in the blink of an eye.

I'm hung up on the fact that while she gave me some valid reasons for ending the relationship, none of them should have been relationship ending. I stayed with her and forgave her after she said/did many worse things because I thought that’s what you do when you love someone. Yet she even convinced me that I was the sole root of why we didn’t work out and I was the one that needed to change. In hindsight I’d claim no more than 50% of that damage and while I do have some personal demons to fight, I don’t believe they were the reason we’re done.

That said, I’m hung up on the fact that her reasons for leaving seemed more like excuses she could tell herself to make herself sleep better at night in the arms of someone new no less. I’m hung up on the fact that she was so in love with me yet tells me that she basically got over me in two weeks, crying herself to sleep at night. I knew nothing about that happening because we were still trying to spend time together and I truly thought we were moving in the right direction. And finally I’m hung up on the fact that after she had told me time and time again that I was the person that filled the missing pieces in her life she had always been looking for, she moved on so quickly, and now he’s the one that she feels fills the missing pieces of her life…

[DarkHelmet82]

trust me man i know how you feel as im going through it but for twice as long as you. You wont get closure as it doesnt exist... I know you will try and get it anyway. Do you think anything she tells you at this point will make a difference..

lets say you talk to her and she goes: I met someone else.. will that help? or she says: "I just dont want a serious relationship." NOTHING she says will answer any of your questions, they will just breed more questions. You need to let it go as hard as it is.. Trust me man.. Im going through it too, but with me Im letting myself hang in a state of limbo and letting her string me along. Dont do this man, you dont want to be where I was a few days ago, or where I probably still am.

My advice to you is just let her go, I know it freakin sucks.. but its your only option. I wish I could take my own advice but I will eventually move on... Time heals all wounds.

SHe could have been using you for her own selfish reasons, or is confused or scared. How old is she? I tend to move really fast too and have come to the realization that moving fast right away just scares them away.. EVEN if its what they want.

[pisces25]

Sorry my friend but I am going to have to throw a few cliches out there. Firstly, give it time. IMO you are doing all the right things. You are very aware of your thoughts, are keeping busy and recognise that there will be good days and bad days. At the moment because it is still fresh you are having more bad days than good, but this will turn around. Trust in that. And also, realise that 'this too shall pass'. Be kind to your grief, let in, make it your friend. If you wake up and realising you are thinking of her don't try and push the thougts away. Let them be. Often we suffer and stress more simply because we can't get rid of the negative thoughts that arise. But why should we? We don't try and push happy/positive thoughts and feelings away so why are we so dead keen on being nasty to our negative thoughts and emotions, including grief?

As for the why, when, how etc of what happened it truly is in the past ((sorry another cliche!). Staying in the past is preventing you being in the moment and moving forward. Again it is ok to feel sad, and ripped off and cheated by the things she said/did but don't let your knowledge get in the way of the truth of the situation. She has her reasons for doing what she did. She still has control over you from a distance too. Free yourself from her. In your mind, wish her well on her new journey, forgive her and then forgive yourself. Only then will you truly move on. Good luck.

[DarkHelmet82]

Sorry my friend but I am going to have to throw a few cliches out there. Firstly, give it time. IMO you are doing all the right things. You are very aware of your thoughts, are keeping busy and recognise that there will be good days and bad days. At the moment because it is still fresh you are having more bad days than good, but this will turn around. Trust in that. And also, realise that 'this too shall pass'. Be kind to your grief, let in, make it your friend. If you wake up and realising you are thinking of her don't try and push the thougts away. Let them be. Often we suffer and stress more simply because we can't get rid of the negative thoughts that arise. But why should we? We don't try and push happy/positive thoughts and feelings away so why are we so dead keen on being nasty to our negative thoughts and emotions, including grief?

As for the why, when, how etc of what happened it truly is in the past ((sorry another cliche!). Staying in the past is preventing you being in the moment and moving forward. Again it is ok to feel sad, and ripped off and cheated by the things she said/did but don't let your knowledge get in the way of the truth of the situation. She has her reasons for doing what she did. She still has control over you from a distance too. Free yourself from her. In your mind, wish her well on her new journey, forgive her and then forgive yourself. Only then will you truly move on. Good luck.

hes right... but its hard to do.. But remember the past is the past and there is nothing you can do. Just live in the NOW. You also may want to talk to someone, it does wonders.

[OmnicronPercei8]

I know. Right now I need to focus much more on her actions (leaving, finding another relationship prior to even letting me go) than the words that she said while I thought we were happy together. The pain comes from the fact that the relationship feels cheapened by the way things ended. We were terrific friends two years prior to even getting involved, and that's all gone now too. She keeps trying to contact me to be friends or telling me she misses me as her friend, which does nothing more to again cheapen the love that she expressed she felt for me.

Just trying to get by one day at a time.

[DarkHelmet82]

I know. Right now I need to focus much more on her actions (leaving, finding another relationship prior to even letting me go) than the words that she said while I thought we were happy together. The pain comes from the fact that the relationship feels cheapened by the way things ended. We were terrific friends two years prior to even getting involved, and that's all gone now too. She keeps trying to contact me to be friends or telling me she misses me as her friend, which does nothing more to again cheapen the love that she expressed she felt for me.

Just trying to get by one day at a time.

shes trying to stay friends because it makes her feel better. You cant be friends if you have feelings. I got the "i really want to remain friends.. i mean it." When I tried too she eventually told me it would just be awkward. When one or both people still have feelings romantically a friendship wont work. You will just delay your happiness longer if you are friends with her.

[DarkHelmet82]

The truly negative aspect of nostalgia is when you dwell… when you dwell to the point that you consistently feel depressed or lonely and these feelings ultimately keep you from experiencing life today. If you spend all your time reminiscing about college, high school, old friends, how great things used to be etc., you’re going to miss out on all the fun and adventure that’s to come in the future. And potentially even experience some more serious emotional or physical problems related to stress.

The truth of the matter is… when you experience nostalgia, often times what you remember is a somewhat idealistic view of what the past was like. Sure, there were good memories but when you find yourself stuck in that kind of mental time machine, be aware of the kind of lense you are looking through, as it may be more rose colored than clear.

How do you rid yourself of this pesky past time?

1) Journal about your memories. Get them out of your head and onto the page.

2) Talk to friends or family about what you remember and ask them for feedback about whether you are remembering things accurately. Maybe they can remind you of the subtleties you’ve forgotten in order to give you a clearer picture of what actually happened. Bounce ideas off them and process why you’re having trouble letting go.

3) Mentally gear yourself up for the future. Think about the exciting times to come… new job opportnuities, meeting new people, goals you’re trying to reach etc. It will be impossible to move forward if you are stuck in the past. If, for some reason, you fear moving on with your life, I’d encourage you to see the counsel of a mentor, life coach or therapist. Life will become stagnant if you cannot find a way to move on. Work through your fears in order to experience freedom and hope for the future!

4) Put together a scrap book or some kind of memory album so that your memories can be cherished and kept safe on the pages. One of the reasons we allow ourselves to continue in a state of nostalgia is because we are afraid we will forget the times and people that are important to us. Save these memories in a special way so that you can look back on them from time-to-time but no longer hold onto them inside.

The past may have some awesome highlights but the future will too! Allow yourself to embark on the next step with an open mind!

[OmnicronPercei8]

Ugh. My ex just contacted me with some kind of link about defensive dating (a problem that she said that I had) and I let her have it.

I feel no better now and we're in an email war, volleying faults at each other. What the hell is wrong with me?

[DarkHelmet82]

you need to stop contacting her... JUST IGNORE IT.. trust me.. the more you talk to her the worse you will feel.

[DarkHelmet82]

oh btw from the title on this post I realized that you are letting your mind control you.. when it should be the other way around... you have a little voice in your head.. its telling you these things.. feeding you ideas, putting you on trial, blaming you, making you doubt yourself.... you may say "well that voice is me talking".... well if you are the one talking... whos listening?

[Cerby]

I think I"m just hung up on the fact that I never got true closure. The entire break up occurred over emails and texts. She didn't even grant me an opportunity to sit down with her and look into my eyes while she told me the lies she had come to believe. I know it sounds sappy, but I never even got a last hug. I went literally from everything in her telling me I was the love of her life to nothing in the blink of an eye.

I'm hung up on the fact that while she gave me some valid reasons for ending the relationship, none of them should have been relationship ending. I stayed with her and forgave her after she said/did many worse things because I thought that’s what you do when you love someone. Yet she even convinced me that I was the sole root of why we didn’t work out and I was the one that needed to change. In hindsight I’d claim no more than 50% of that damage and while I do have some personal demons to fight, I don’t believe they were the reason we’re done.

That said, I’m hung up on the fact that her reasons for leaving seemed more like excuses she could tell herself to make herself sleep better at night in the arms of someone new no less. I’m hung up on the fact that she was so in love with me yet tells me that she basically got over me in two weeks, crying herself to sleep at night. I knew nothing about that happening because we were still trying to spend time together and I truly thought we were moving in the right direction. And finally I’m hung up on the fact that after she had told me time and time again that I was the person that filled the missing pieces in her life she had always been looking for, she moved on so quickly, and now he’s the one that she feels fills the missing pieces of her life…

This is tough, I also got let go through a very quick phone call, not face to face, with a bunch of reasons that weren't relationship ending, but it was all she gave me. So many unanswered questions, no goodbye hug, no nothing. We went from quite close on a Thursday to over on the Friday, overnight things changed.

I still have no answers, no closure, and trouble sleeping at night. I feel your pain, the weekends are the worst, but I've been NC for a while and am hoping that it gets better. I still want to contact her to meet for a coffee so we can close things right, but I don't know if it would help, or if she would even accept. At least I'm lucky enough to have no idea what is happening in her life, so if she is seeing someone else, I'm better off not knowing.

We're all in this together.

[aspie guy]

I had infatuations in the past too but the more I thought about this the more I realized that it makes absolutely zero sense to think and obsess over someone who doesn't appreciate you and doesn't even dedicate one moment of her time for you. it's simply a waste of precious time and life is short anyway.

If a woman rejects you right from the start, then just don't bother thinking about her anymore. She doesn't put food in your stomach, she doesn't pay your bills and she doesn't appreciate you for what you are. The sun will rise tomorrow and you will find yourself with another girl.

[Lifetime]

I feel for you, it sounds like you are really hurting over her. The best advice I can give you is if she ever does contact you again, ignore it. My ex dumped me about 6 months ago, and I was feeling good until about a week ago when she decided to contact me and tell me all the feelings she still has for me, but also that we can never be together again and she is happier without me. Now I just feel worse. So, avoid her at all costs, and you will feel better with time, I promise.