Online Etiquette

[vertical_sky]

Okay ladies and gentlemen, how would you handle this kind of situation...

I've been bold and messaged a couple of guys I found interesting on a dating site. Most of them messaged back... But it's now stretching into 3-4 weeks of back and forth messages with each of them, with no mention from them of meeting in person (I've tried dropping some heavy hints like "Have you seen this movie? I've really been looking forward to it" and "Oh this story is best told in person.")

At this point, it seems like they're really not that into me and I'm just wasting my time. But I can't quite figure out how to cut off communication... If I stop responding, I seem like a witch (especially since I messaged them in the first place.) If I say," Well looks like you're not interested," and then they offer a date, I'll forever think they did so just out of politeness, not because they actually wanted to.

To cut off the argument at the pass, I won't ask them out on a date because I feel this makes me look desperate. I've messaged them first, which is already a huge step outside of my comfort zone. I am also particularly sensitive, as the other times I've done the lion's share of initiating in the beginning stages, even when it leads to a relationship, it turns out the guy WASN'T into me... I just made things easy, so he went along with it.

What would you guys do? Take the risk of being seen as a bitch and just stop associating with them? Give em a snotty "Thanks for wasting my time" message?

[maxmax]

Well, a lot of girls just lose interest, or just stop communicating with guys on these sites because something better comes along.

It is commendable that you actually care.

The best thing to do is to just be honest. Contact them and say you would be interested in meeting.

If they say no, then there's your answer.

If they say yes, well, take it for what it is. I doubt it'd just be out of politeness, so don't try and second guess them.

Remember, a lot of guys are bad at taking hints or getting the message ... even when pretty obvious.

So, if any of them agree, go out, enjoy the date. And even if they did agree out of politeness, once meeting you and spending time with you they may think 'hey, actually, she is really great' and be glad to be on a date with you.

[girl68]

I think a lot of people consider 4 messages not enough to meet up with a complete stranger. Most often you start chatting regularly, then you talk via phone THEN you start getting at dating in real life.

[DarkHelmet82]

when i message someone i just give them my number and tell them they can contact me that way too... saves time and energy

[vertical_sky]

I think a lot of people consider 4 messages not enough to meet up with a complete stranger. Most often you start chatting regularly, then you talk via phone THEN you start getting at dating in real life.

I agree, I should have clearer that it's been 3-4 weeks but about 8-12 messages.

[VincenzoG91]

Your question seems really familiar. Did you ask this same question a few months ago here? I could have sworn that somebody did.

Anyway, if I were you, I would just give up on these guys unless one of them actually asks to meet up. Depending on how new the dating site is, it's possible that these guys don't even exist and the site admins are just spamming people like you until they can attract a critical mass of real members.

When I joined Adult Friend Finders several years ago, I kept getting ignored by local women that I contacted, but then I would get contacted by various women who lived hundreds or even thousands of miles away. And even then, when I expressed interest in meeting up, they would dodge and change the topic. One of these women only lived two hours away from me and we traded several long messages back and forth without ever meeting up. *She* was probably just some dude working for AFF. After about a year, I finally just quit the site in disgust.

[girl68]

I suggest being more bold and getting numbers or regular chatting.

[oneandonly]

Isnt' it a given that anyone who joins in dating sites is looking for a potential partner? That would be my motive anyway.

I don't like spending too much time messaging back and forth. It's highly likely you will get a different feel for the person when you meet even if you get along well online. A few messages should be more than enough to see if both parties are keen to meet. After all, both read profiles. Talked enough to want to meet up. Initiating to meet is just to get to know each other more and in person.

Is it really that hard to see if a guy is being plainly polite or actually keen?

I am not a chaser and I don't think initiating to meet offline hardly makes me a chaser. If a guy isn't eager to meet, then I'd wish him the best and move on to next.

[MerryH]

Take the risk of being seen as a bitch and just stop associating with them?

This really would not make you a bitch. You don't owe them anything, and you shouldn't care what internet strangers think of you. You don't need their approval and you don't need to explain yourself to them. Just don't contact them anymore. It's not a big deal. Don't feel bad about it.

[devonbrown]

I agree with MerryH. This kind of thing happens all the time in online dating.

Now, I know you said you would not ask them out, that messaging them first was already out of your comfort zone. Frankly, I would suggest going even further out of your comfort zone. That is where the best fruit is... on the highest branches.

But your way of thinking about ending communication with them is a little off to me... You said

What would you guys do? Take the risk of being seen as a bitch and just stop associating with them? Give em a snotty "Thanks for wasting my time" message?

You were the one who began messaging them. But you are refusing to ask them out, instead opting for playing games and dropping hints... Aren't you sort of wasting their time?

Basically, if you aren't willing to make the jump to move things out of the online world and into reality, I don't think it is really fair for you expect other people to do that.

But back to your original topic... it is just communicating online through a dating site. It isn't that big of a deal if you stop talking to them.

Good luck.

[Boisdevie]

What's wrong with asking a guy out instead of stupid hints? I have been with my partner for over 8 months, all because she was brave and suggested we get together if I was in her neck of the woods. I made sure I was in her neck of the woods that very Saturday.
Life is too short for playing silly games.

[vertical_sky]

But your way of thinking about ending communication with them is a little off to me... You said
You were the one who began messaging them. But you are refusing to ask them out, instead opting for playing games and dropping hints... Aren't you sort of wasting their time?

I don't see it as playing games or wasting their time; I see it as, if the person is attracted to you, they'll make it known. I feel like I've made it known I'm interested by messaging them... the ball is now in their court in terms of reciprocating.

Also, my experience has proven to me over and over that it is never worth it (for ME) to chase a guy. Maybe it works for other women; good for them. But every time I've done the initial pursuing, it's resulted in a) rejection b) heart-wrenching rejection.

Now, a rejection of "Sorry, not interested" after the first few messages or a few dates... That I can take, and I expect even from guys who pursue me. But twice now, I've done the majority of the initial pursuing, it's led into a relationship that lasted 4-6 months, and then the guy will suddenly dump me by saying," Yeah, you're not really that attractive" and going after the girl they DO want.

Both times, it's been a humiliating and emotionally wounding experience, because I assumed they WERE into me... why? Because they reciprocated. What I should have noticed is that while they reciprocated, they never OFFERED.

The moral of the story, for me, is that a guy messaging back/responding/reciprocating my attention or affection, but not offering to take it to the next level, just isn't into me, and thus not worth my time. He's messaging/responding because it's easy and convenient, because I'm doing most of the work, not because he likes me.

Maybe it works for some women. Fantastic. But I've tried being that "I'm a bold feminist" girl that does the pursuing, and EVERY time it's blown up in my face, ranging from garden-variety rejection to bury-myself-in-a-hole-from-shame rejection.

You call it games. I call it Avoiding the Inevitable.

[devonbrown]

To me, even just using the word "inevitable" seems defeatist. You are basing your theory off of two relationships with guys who obviously weren't mature enough to be in a relationship in the first place. Thinking positively and acting with confidence are two of the most attractive things to anyone.

I feel like I've made it known I'm interested by messaging them... the ball is now in their court in terms of reciprocating.

If the ball is in their court in terms of reciprocating (i.e. asking you out) and they aren't asking them out, then you already have your answers. Stopping communication with them now isn't that big of a deal. You served it up to them and they whiffed. Their loss. Move on. There is no bitchiness about that if that is how you see things.

Good luck.

[Henry123]

Asking them out on a date is jumping too fast imo.
Ask them for their number to chat. (use "Skype" or cell number or something). Like say something like "Hey I like chatting live are you ever going to exchange number so we can chat?" Then see what kind of vibes you get.

[HeartIsAching]

Sorry V_S, it does sound like you're game-playing. Say what you want, don't hint around and try to get them to do what you want. If you want them to ask you out, try just saying "Ask me out sometime, if you're interested."

Hinting doesn't work with guys. Trust me on this.