Seeking Advice on a 4+ Year Relationship - Very Confused

[Confused82]

To begin, let me set the stage and also warn you that this will be a lengthy post:

I'm a 28 year old male with a good job, good friends and what should be a pretty good life all things considered. I've been in countless relationships since I was as young as 15 and I've had three relationships now that have gone past four years. My current girlfriend is a year and a half older than me and I am her first relationship beyond a year or two. We have talked marriage (I had also "talked" marriage during the other two 4+ year relationships) but I've found myself very, very confused of late and have decided to come here to seek some honest advice and opinion.

I should note (as it's important and relevant) that I do suffer (always have) from depression in the form of Dysthymea which can basically be illustrated by saying that while I don't always get extremely low, I hardly ever get extremely high either and the world generally looks "gray" and "sullen" 24/7 to me.

For several months now I've been mulling over ending our relationship but there are several things that hold me back:

- I do know that I care a great deal for her personally. I absolutely would never want to hurt her and quite honestly want the absolute best for her.

- I keep thinking that perhaps it's just "cold feet" associated with having dated for so long that marriage is on the horizon.

- We have lived together for two and a half years now and this, partnered with the duration of our relationship, makes me cringe when thinking about the prospect of ending it.

- We are both avid animal lovers and our pets are very much like children to us. The thought of asking her to move out (it's my house) and thus separating her from them makes me feel like an absolute jerk.

With all that said, what I can't figure out is whether or not I "love" her and am just over-thinking things. Although it seems obvious that a guy will always see attractive girls and get excited, I find myself occasionally envious of my single friends and wishing that I could join them. The sex life between my girlfriend and I is borderline non-existent. We can, at times, go for entire months without any sexual contact at all. Now while a low sex drive is certainly a side effect of the anti-depressant I used to take, I recently got off the medicine. While my sex drive seems to have returned a bit, I still don't ever find myself lusting after my girlfriend - nor does it seem she's ever coming after me. To be clear, this same drastic loss in sex drive towards a girl has happened in quite a few of my relationships of varying lengths.

While I understand it to be normal for "lust" to dwindle over time, should the idea of having sex with my girlfriend still excite me after four and a half years? If it's like this now, what would it be like after five, ten or twenty years? Lust aside, how can I tell if I actually "love" her and am not just "attached" or resigned to sticking with the status quo? Is it normal to see single women at the office, out at bars, etc, and want very badly to take them out on a date (and also have extremely strong sexual drive towards them)?

I'm very confused and need some advice here. I need to know if I'm just being ridiculous and should man up or if there's more to this. I'll be watching the thread closely and will promptly respond to any questions anyone might have.

Thanks so much in advance.

EDIT: I thought of a couple other pieces of relevant info that I should share:

- Part of me does feel resentful towards her as just a year and a half ago, one of our dogs was hit and killed by a car. I was at work at the time when I got the phone call. To this day part of me blames her inability to "think outside the box" for her death but I may be off-base. I had always showed my gf that if this particular dog every got away, you can chase her for a bit to see if you can catch her but if you can't, you should turn and walk away and she will come running after you (every time like clockwork). Although she did exactly this, she did so after the dog had crossed the main street to our apartment complex at the time which then meant that she had taken her eyes off the road and also was going to have the dog run back across the road to chase after her. This is indeed how she got hit.

- Part of me also feels resentful that while I have no degree (just a few classes shy of a BS), I have been very successful through hard work and being good with people. She has a Bachelor's in Psychology and graduated at the top of her class yet has quit one job after another while we've dated in the continuous pursuit of something that she likes. She is now back in school and I am covering every single bill we have including her cell phone bill and groceries and it's financially breaking me. While I feel it's a loving boyfriend, fiance, husband's duty to support their significant other, I can't help but feel resentful at the fact she isn't contributing anything at all financially.

[Wakeup]

I'm confused. The sex has dwindled in every one of your previous relationships. Why do you think changing up your partner will lead to anything different? The common denominator here is you and by the sounds of things you get lazy in your seduction and flirting and you expect your woman to just be ready without any mental or sexual or emotional anticipation. You cannot give up your game when you are in a long term relationship and expect to maintain a good and healthy libido for one another. You particularily have to keep doing what you did when you first were lusting after each other or, like you've come to discover over and over again, the desire will dwindle and you'll end up where you are now. Learn a lesson from that and stop doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

- Part of me also feels resentful that while I have no degree (just a few classes shy of a BS), I have been very successful through hard work and being good with people. She has a Bachelor's in Psychology and graduated at the top of her class yet has quit one job after another while we've dated in the continuous pursuit of something that she likes. She is now back in school and I am covering every single bill we have including her cell phone bill and groceries and it's financially breaking me. While I feel it's a loving boyfriend, fiance, husband's duty to support their significant other, I can't help but feel resentful at the fact she isn't contributing anything at all financially.

Do you not know how to say "No" to your spouse? Surely you are bright enough to sit her down and tell her that you are not able to cover all the expenses and she'll need to find a part time job to help out. By not having that conversation with her you are enabling her to be who she is while you sit there and resent her for it all the while it's your own doing.

Part of me does feel resentful towards her as just a year and a half ago, one of our dogs was hit and killed by a car. I was at work at the time when I got the phone call. To this day part of me blames her inability to "think outside the box" for her death but I may be off-base. I had always showed my gf that if this particular dog every got away, you can chase her for a bit to see if you can catch her but if you can't, you should turn and walk away and she will come running after you (every time like clockwork). Although she did exactly this, she did so after the dog had crossed the main street to our apartment complex at the time which then meant that she had taken her eyes off the road and also was going to have the dog run back across the road to chase after her. This is indeed how she got hit.

I'm sure she feels guilty enough without you projecting your hate upon her for not "thinking outside the box." Let it go so that you're not suffering from the unpleasant feeling of resent.

[HeartIsAching]

It doesn't sound to me as if you're confused at all. It sounds to me as if you KNOW what you want and are afraid to do it.

I will tell you from personal experience, if you're feeling apprehension don't get married. When you can do it without reservation, with nothing in your heart but joy, you're doing it right, otherwise you're making a mistake.

[Confused82]

I'm confused. The sex has dwindled in every one of your previous relationships. Why do you think changing up your partner will lead to anything different? The common denominator here is you and by the sounds of things you get lazy in your seduction and flirting and you expect your woman to just be ready without any mental or sexual or emotional anticipation. You cannot give up your game when you are in a long term relationship and expect to maintain a good and healthy libido for one another. You particularily have to keep doing what you did when you first were lusting after each other or, like you've come to discover over and over again, the desire will dwindle and you'll end up where you are now. Learn a lesson from that and stop doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

Do you not know how to say "No" to your spouse? Surely you are bright enough to sit her down and tell her that you are not able to cover all the expenses and she'll need to find a part time job to help out. By not having that conversation with her you are enabling her to be who she is while you sit there and resent her for it all the while it's your own doing.

I'm sure she feels guilty enough without you projecting your hate upon her for not "thinking outside the box." Let it go so that you're not suffering from the unpleasant feeling of resent.

The first part seems as sound advice and I suppose I have stopped putting in the effort in this regard. I think perhaps I've used weight lifting and the efforts I've put towards making myself as healthy and fit as possible as a crutch that allows me to think along the lines of "well I'm doing my part so its on her to come get me". I should know better than to think that these efforts on my part cannot replace efforts directed at her.

The second part is a bit trickier. I have always been a "people pleaser". I consistently go out of my way to try and appease as many people as possible and although I know "you can't please everyone", I certainly try to do my part in supporting the general happiness of the people around me. When she asked my opinion about quitting the first job she had (which paid decently) when we were dating, I probably responded with something like "you need to do what makes you happy and if you are not happy at that job, try something new". When she asked my thoughts on leaving the daycare she had worked and pursuing HR instead, I responded all the same. When she asked for my support in leaving her job as an HR Manager and getting a new degree, I felt it almost a responsibility of mine to support her no matter what. We are about a year out from her graduation and I'm terrified she's going to get a job using this degree but then want out after a year or two. I guess I'm confused about where on this timeline I should have told her "no".

On the third point, I should clarify a bit. I don't believe I ever project resentment towards her. Rather, I bottle it up and try to forget about it evidenced by the fact that my OP didn't include this information and I had to go back and edit it to add it. If she does feel that resentment is projected in her direction then I'd say it would have to be indirect - albeit no less important to fix. I will do my best to come to peace with it in my own mind.


@HeartIsAching

The problem is that I have no context of what a "normal" relationship should look like. Are these problems I'm facing "normal" and simply something that most people would work to overcome? What is it that you feel I "know" but are afraid to do? There is a lot to love about this girl and I'm very confused on why I'm feeling the way I am. If these feelings are just due to apprehension or "cold feet" then what good would another relationship in the future do?


Thanks much to both of you.

[devonbrown]

I am going to take a slightly different approach to this. Forget about your girlfriend issues for a moment. It could just be a lull in the relationship due to the length of time you have been in it.
Instead, focus on this - you say that you suffer from depression. It sounds like you have dealt with it for a long time and know how it makes you feel and think. And I think if you re-read your post, you can see how every single item you have presented could be tied into your depression.
Plus, you said that you stopped taking your medication recently. Do you not think that might have something to do with why you are thinking about these things now?
Lack of sex drive can also be attributed to depression, not just the medication. And if your gf isn't initiating anything, chances are it is a learned behavior with you from other times when it hasn't been working.
Are you seeing a psychologist? You didn't mention it in your post, but a lot of these questions you are putting here might be best discussed with your therapist before you make any decisions. He/she might have a better handle on how severe your depression is and how it is effecting you.

As for resenting your gf for the dog's death, you have to really let that go. She tried to do what you had suggested and it was an accident. It could have happened to you as well.

And at least your gf is looking into going to school to get a good job in the future and help out. If you want her to help with bills, etc. why don't you try talking to her about it and seeing if she would at least be willing to get something part-time to assist.

Frankly, if your gf has been dealing with your depression for 4+ years, she obviously likes you and wants to make it work. Try talking to her, sharing your concerns, and seeing what can be done rather than jumping to the thought of ending the relationship.

Good luck.

[HeartIsAching]

The first part seems as sound advice and I suppose I have stopped putting in the effort in this regard. I think perhaps I've used weight lifting and the efforts I've put towards making myself as healthy and fit as possible as a crutch that allows me to think along the lines of "well I'm doing my part so its on her to come get me". I should know better than to think that these efforts on my part cannot replace efforts directed at her.

The second part is a bit trickier. I have always been a "people pleaser". I consistently go out of my way to try and appease as many people as possible and although I know "you can't please everyone", I certainly try to do my part in supporting the general happiness of the people around me. When she asked my opinion about quitting the first job she had (which paid decently) when we were dating, I probably responded with something like "you need to do what makes you happy and if you are not happy at that job, try something new". When she asked my thoughts on leaving the daycare she had worked and pursuing HR instead, I responded all the same. When she asked for my support in leaving her job as an HR Manager and getting a new degree, I felt it almost a responsibility of mine to support her no matter what. We are about a year out from her graduation and I'm terrified she's going to get a job using this degree but then want out after a year or two. I guess I'm confused about where on this timeline I should have told her "no".

On the third point, I should clarify a bit. I don't believe I ever project resentment towards her. Rather, I bottle it up and try to forget about it evidenced by the fact that my OP didn't include this information and I had to go back and edit it to add it. If she does feel that resentment is projected in her direction then I'd say it would have to be indirect - albeit no less important to fix. I will do my best to come to peace with it in my own mind.


@HeartIsAching

The problem is that I have no context of what a "normal" relationship should look like. Are these problems I'm facing "normal" and simply something that most people would work to overcome? What is it that you feel I "know" but are afraid to do? There is a lot to love about this girl and I'm very confused on why I'm feeling the way I am. If these feelings are just due to apprehension or "cold feet" then what good would another relationship in the future do?


Thanks much to both of you.

Nearly all of the reasons you gave to avoid breaking up with her were about not hurting or inconveniencing her, and very little of them were about what you wanted. It seems clear (though I could be misreading it) that you want to get free, but don't want put her through the trauma of breaking up. What usually ends up happening in situations like this, is the party that wants to break up starts using passive-aggressive behaviors to try and get the other to do what they want. You'll be resentful, and start acting out in one way or another until she gets pissed off and breaks up with you. If you want to break up with her, be honest and do so.

As far as "cold feet" goes - if you're feeling that, it's not the marriage for you, period. It's "normal" to feel it, but then more than half of marriages end in divorce. When I married my wife, it was with zero reservations. No hesitation. No fear. Just joy. That's the way it should be.