I love her but will she break my heart?

[Jonny5]

Hello, I really need some advice please.

A few months ago I met a wonderful woman through a dating site and we've been seeing each other regularly and are exclusive to one another. We have both been through fairly traumatic break ups; I was with my previous partner for nine years and she left me after we had been married for only a few months as she realised that she no longer loved me. My current girlfriend was due to be married a few years ago but her fiancee left her for another woman a just months before the wedding.

We get along great and have lots of things in common as well as having fantastic sex but here's the problem; when I try to be affectionate to her, be that giving her a kiss or cuddle or even just holding her hand, she recoils from me.
I'm a very affectionate person and like to touch her lovingly, give casual kisses and generally be romantic and affectionate toward her. She has told me that this is a problem she has and it's nothing to do with me. She has admitted she has been like this for as long as she can remember, before and during her relationship with her fiancee and every other romantic relationship she's had. She doesn't understand why she behaves like this and has described that she feels awkward and claustraphobic when I get too close. I try to back off and give her space as this is what she asks of me but all I want is to be close to her and it hurts when she draws away from me as it feels as if she's rejecting me.
Strangely, she's very affectionate to her friends and family and admits to having no issues with being close to them, which, and I know it shouldn't, makes me feel worse.
The other bizarre thing is that she is very open minded about sex and is happy to have intercourse at pretty much any time I ask. She has openly said that she feels much more comfortable being an object of my sexual desire than my loving advances.

I know that part of the problem lies with me. I am still a bit fragile after my marriage break up and this is the first time I've been in love since that happened. I need to feel loved and secure and at that's not something my girlfriend is able to give me. She has been making efforts to show affection in little ways but admits that it takes a huge effort for her to do so.

I love her and have told her so, a revelation which, from the look on her face, made me wonder if I'd grown a second head! It was probably an ill-advised thing to say knowing how she reacts to such displays of emotion but I had a stupid, romantic idea that maybe she needed to know how I felt about her to be able to relax, open up and trust me.

I'm no psychologist but I feel sure that these issues in her are the product of some or many factors of her life thus far and that talking to a proffessional about them may help her. I tried to suggest this but was met with a suitably prickly response. I don't know that she really want to change.

Meanwhile my feeling for her grow more and more but I also find myself wondering if I'm just setting myself up for another broken heart as maybe she'll never be able to love me the way I want to be loved.

Should I carry on loving her in the hope that one day she'll come around or do I have to make the hard decision that we just seem to be poles appart and that it's not going to work?
Can anyone offer me advice?

Thanks

Jonny

[curiousgurl29]

Yes, the lack of affection could be due to all the factors that you discussed. OR it could be that she just doesn't want to be that affectionate with you -- plain and simple. I know for me, I don't like to be be cuddly and affectionate if I don't feel like I love the person. It could be that right now she is just looking for something casual that involves great sex. You have not been together that long, right? Only a few months? If you are not a good match for each other, I would maybe try to meet some other people on the dating website. If she doesn't want to be exclusive, it may be time for you to find someone who is better suited to you!

[devonbrown]

It could also just be that you two have different ways of expressing how you feel in physical matters. There might not be anything "wrong" with her, she might just be different. It is up to you to determine if you can handle that difference.