I'm not doing very well :(

[JadenMia]

So as some of you know, my relationship is just all wrong. I dont see the point of us anymore except the fact that we have fun when we are together. When things are good they are amazing. But when we are apart then i dont seem to exist to him and his friends and drinking are more important.

Last week i decided to pull away from him and try focus on myself and my own needs.. All was well, i felt good. But im starting to feel sh*tty about the whole situation again. I feel so angry he just doesnt care.. It makes me feel worthless and stupid.. Most of all i feel so lost and alone.
Yesterday was Canada day, i was so excited to go watch the fireworks, have a good night with him and my daughter. But i got told i had to open the store today so it turned out i couldnt do anything. I stay in with him every weekend when he works, i wouldnt want him to feel ditched.. So i always cook up a good meal for him, get a good movie etc. I have been doing this for him for the past month or so.
Well, when i said that i wouldnt be able to do anything.. He said it was a shame but he still wanted to go out. I felt just stupid that i feel like i just give and give and he doesnt seem to care at all. Or see that i always try to make him happy. When i got p*ssy with him that he didnt want to spend it with me, he got all defensive, bringing up past events and causing a huge argumet. Hung up on me and ignored me when i tried to call.

I am just so sick of spending my nights like this, upset and resentful. Most of all i am SICK of feeling angry. Its the most sickening emotion for me, and i just cant handle feeling like this anymore..

Is there anyone who has been completely head over heels for someone who treats you like crap? Someone you just cant bear to leave, but you know you have to?
How did you get over it? Is there anything that helped?
Im so fed up of being in this particular situation, where i am so unhappy but feel so stuck.

Thanks for taking the time to read, i really like coming here to vent and hear other peoples opinions.

[VincenzoG91]

You never mention your friends. Where are your friends in your hour of need? They should be telling you to stay away from this guy, and keeping you too busy to be around him.

[Warhawk]

Friends are very important. They keep you busy and distracted so you are not thinking about him. Although it is still hard.

My girlfriend left me about a month ago, she finally started to move her shit out of my place, she likes one guy, slept with him and slept with another guy. I am so angry and I am trying so hard to forget about her, but I can't. Reason I bring up my girlfriend like this is to answer your "Someone you just cant bear to leave, but you know you have to?" I really still like her, I am so angry at her, I know I should just move on but really I still want to be with her. I'm the nice guy who did everything for her and she walked all over me. It's pathetic and never works out for me.

In conclusion, just go out as much as you can with your friends. Meet new people and learn about them, I find that helps. I mean I keep coming back here to listen to other people's situations and it has been helping me!

[HeartIsAching]

Many years ago, I had a Dutch girlfriend that I was crazy/sick in love with. As I was stationed in Germany, we saw each other every couple of months, when I could get a pass or a three-day weekend. She tried to coerce me into coming to see her more often (difficult on a soldiers' pay) by breaking up with me via letter. I was too young and inexperienced to recognize this attempt at coercion as abusive behavior, and took it at face value. She wrote to me over and over again over the next several weeks. I'd had enough, and kept sending letters back, telling her to leave me alone.

For years I didn't know what I'd do if she showed up on my doorstep. These are so hard to get over. I don't really have any useful advice, except to try and find something/someone to occupy your time. Don't get into a rebound relationship, those suck bigtime for both you and the one your'e in a relationship with.

[HeartIsAching]

I take it back... this might help:


The 7 Stages of Grief

"Shock. This is the body/mind's way of saving you from the devastating pain of the loss, at least initially. It is a blessing at best, but at worst can become a long-term numbness to feelings that resembles a sort of living death. It will pass naturally as long as the other stages of grief are honored.

Denial. This is your mind's attempt to protect you from the reality of the loss. You may lie to yourself and think about the person as if they were still alive. A certain period of denial is normal but if prolonged, it can keep you stuck and prevent resolution. There are many forms of denial, as varied as people are different from each other.

Anger. When you lose someone you love, it is natural to be angry for a period of time. You may be angry with the person for leaving you, angry with yourself for what you did not do to save them or angry with God for taking them away. You may just be angry at the unfairness and injustice of life. Healthy anger management techniques may be essential here so that you can become your own best anger management resource.

Guilt. There seems to be a human tendency to blame yourself when something happens to a loved one. In loving someone, you automatically take some degree of responsibility for her or his welfare. It is only natural to question yourself for a period of time after your loved ones die. This is a normal part of the grief stages, but it is extremely important that you move through it and don't get stuck in this stage. Use these healthy grieving techniques to help you through this stage.

Pain And Sorrow. These feelings often exist throughout all 7 stages of grief, and are the core feelings of grief. In the early stages, however, you are often distracted from your sorrow by denial, anger, guilt and the resulting confusion. Fear can also be a tremendous barrier to the experience of sorrow, triggering all of the defense mechanisms. To truly face and experience the pain and sorrow is necessary and healthy however, and it moves you forward through the stages of grief. Working with love is the key for moving through this phase, because only love has the power to move us to the depths of our being where the greatest loss is registered.

Release And Resolution. This stage of grief process is accompanied by a sense of acceptance of the reality of the loss, a sense of letting go. There may also be a degree of forgiveness that occurs in this phase. The denial, guilt and anger stages are over, and the pain and sorrow is not as intense as it was before. Many people ask, "How long does it take?" The answer is different according to the severity of the loss and the health of the individual who is grieving. Grieving moves in cycles, and it may seem as if we are through for a substantial period of time. A birthday, anniversary or another loss can bring back many of the same feelings that were there when our loved one died. Any loss or low emotional period can bring back the feelings of loss, particularly if you have not reached resolution. When the release finally occurs, your entire body will feel it. I have watched many people go through emotional release in their grieving, and I am convinced that it is as much a physical, non-verbal process as it is verbal and conscious.

Return To the Willingness To Love. This is the final stage of the grieving process. Healing has occurred, and the grieving person is able to laugh again and to get involved in life. Fear can slow you down or even stop you at this point, because new love means the risk of new loss. By honoring and completing all seven stages of grief process, however, you will overcome your fear and move forward. This occurs through an appreciation for yourself and the life you are left to live. Nurturing your inner child is an excellent tool to use to help you through all seven stages of grief process, and particularly as you move back out “into the world” after a period of grieving. Part of the return to love also includes remembering the love you felt for the one you lost. The love lives on and the anger, guilt, pain and sorrow fade away.

This final step in the seven stages of grief process is ultimately a spiritual one. It is a fact that all of us on this planet will die. You need to have some way of living, laughing and loving with this reality. That's where spirituality comes in. True security cannot be found in another person or in any external circumstances. You have to turn within, to your own concept of the infinite, to ultimately find peace and security in a life that is only temporary in its tangible form.

Remember, if you are a professional, a grief counselor, or a grief group facilitator, please contact us for grief counseling training.



Understanding The Grief Process


The greater the love you feel for someone or the greater the emotional investment in a given situation, the greater the sense of loss you feel when death, transition or tragedy occurs. The depth of grief process you experience is directly proportional to the depth of love experienced, invested or needed. Grieving is actually an aspect of love, and healthy grieving is an act of love and remembering love.

The reason that anger, shock and denial interrupt and in some cases stop the grief process is because they take you away from love. That is what they are designed to do as protective mechanisms. "

[JadenMia]

I would love to see more of my friends. My real friends are back in England which i have just booked last week to go see them in October which i am super excited about. I dont really have any real girlfriends here, all my friends i met here were actually male friends and sometimes i just dont feel it is a good idea to go hang out with them in my hours of need. I do have the odd good female friend, one in particular i actually met through my partner. She was his high school friend and we got on like house on fire. We did everything together for a while there, she was the one who gave me the strength to leave my boyfriend last time in fact and things were really good. She said she would always be around when i needed her, but as time went on, she stopped wanting to hang out, stopped wanting to go out together, doesnt call me anymore and doesnt have much to say when i call her. We do big outings together, we went away for a weekend to a concert a while back and she wants to come to England with me.
Sometimes i just feel like she uses me for the company when she has no other if that makes sense. I am always calling or texting but get no replies so i kind of just stopped putting much effort into our friendship. Other than that, i have a few other girlfriends but none that i really enjoy their company all that much.
Like i said, my male friends, after listening to my boyfriend and other people on here, my guy friendships always make me wonder if they are actually a friend or just use me for the obvious.

I just feel like no matter what i do, i always return to this state. Always back in this stupid rut.. Everything i feel like i do to help myself, make more friends, leave my boyfriend to find happiness.. It just always seems to get worse when i do anything. He is always so happy it seems. and i am always so upset.. He has everything here, a nice party house on the beach, good friends, everywhere he goes everybody knows him as he grew up in this small town. His life is just perfect for him and it makes me actually hate him for it. I feel so pathetic.

[JadenMia]

Thanks for everybodies replies, and HIS, that is fantastic advice, and i have read through that before when we broke up. But it makes no sense to me when i cannot handle the pain i feel when away from him. I feel the hate, anger, love, pain.. I never get to the point of accepting. If i do, its for a day or 2 and it feels as if my head has blocked out every pain i feel just to f*ck with me, only for it to come back 10x worse.

[smackie9]

He isn't treating you like crap, the problem is that you both have different relationship expectations. You want a man to be home bound with you, and share time together, where he likes his space to do other things and is more independent.

You say things like worthless, shitty, alone, stupid, angry, lost, those emotions are not because of him, but brought on by your personality. You are clingy and needy. I have to say, a man doesn't give you a life, and shouldn't expect them to revolve around you. You admit that once you focused on yourself and did things on your own, it felt pretty good. Independence is good and having a life outside a relationship is good. Communication is one of your problems tho. I doubt very highly he would have felt "ditched" if he had to work and you wanted to go do something. Have you ever asked him if it would ever bother him if you made other plans? You act like you were making a sacrifice by staying home for him and expected him to do the same. Needless to say staying home for him wasn't necessary. I'm sure he is the type that would want to hold you back. Just because he wanted to go do his own thing doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, that's your perception, not his. So I can see why he hung up on you and ignored you, because he didn't really do anything wrong.

You seriously need to shed these feelings and gain some independence, be happy when you are by yourself. I'm guessing you are still pretty young, I remember being like that too, but as you get older, more mature you realize that being on your own and doing your own thing is pretty nice. Hell I'm glad when the old man goes out, I get the house to myself and he isn't bugging me with silly shit like asking me if there is any toilet paper downstairs.

[JadenMia]

Thanks Smackie, you are right about alot of the things you said. He is a lot more independant than i am. I do like to have someone around, someone to talk to etc. I know what goes on in our relationship has a lot to do with my problems just as much as his.
Although, he always wants me to stay home with him. When he isnt feeling going out, he will ask me to stay home with him and keep him company, if i went out without him, he gets completely pissed off. Will be constantly calling/texting asking what im doing, who im with. Accusing me of being with other men, saying it is over, that i dont care about him. I used to go out a lot without him, but sometimes it causes more hassle than it is worth. He is only happy if i am out with my family.
For the past few weekends it has been like this, he has been working over the weekends and has asked me to stay home, saying that it wouldnt be fair of me to go out if he couldnt. I would do anything for him to be happy with me and show him that i do care about him. Even when i have really wanted to go see friends. So i just felt like i was trying to give him my best effort.. but he will only when it suits him.
He knows i dont get to see friends, i work full time and am a mother so through the week i dont do anything but sleep and work. Whereas he sees all his friends through the week, goes and does whatever and i dont get pissy about that. I am pretty independant sometimes, i love to have nights to myself, see my friends without him etc.. But i just felt like he uses my efforts i make for us and takes it for granted.

If i had hung up on him, while out drinking with friends he would have gone apesh*t. I just feel he is selfish..
I am going to not put so much into our relationship though, i feel if i dont give him every bit of myself, all my time/money. Then i wont feel so used and pissed off when he decides he wants a night to himself when i would like to be with him.
Tonight for example, he has work in the morning. I dont, tonight i am not going to let him hold me back from going to see friends. I want to see how he reacts to it.

The last part of what you wrote made me laugh, i used to feel the same way when i lived with my daughters father.

[MerryH]

He isn't treating you like crap

Yes he is.

those emotions are not because of him

They are because of him repeatedly and relentlessly being abusive toward her.



Jaden, any luck at the doctor's appointment?

[JadenMia]

Yes! I have yet to see a counsellor here in town i never knew about. It was right across the hallway from my child care agency, who would have known. My appointment is next friday and i am pretty excited, I am hoping she will shed some light on this terrible situation. I am a little nervous to open up to someone i have never met though and wondering what she will ask me and stuff like that.. My doctor was really good about it, as he knew some of the things that has happened in the past and some of the situations so he was really helpful about everything.

[smackie9]

Your relationship was out of balance. He expected things, you expected things, and you both couldn't make any compromises. It wasn't abuse, just instability from the both of you. This is what dating is all about, you have to kick some tires before you find the right one that suits you.

[smackie9]

Yes he is.



They are because of him repeatedly and relentlessly being abusive toward her.



Jaden, any luck at the doctor's appointment?

This information wasn't revealed in the first post dude so stop nic pickin........

[MerryH]

I wasn't nit-picking, I was pointing out relevant backstory that you seemed unaware of.

Nice that you were able to get an appointment so soon, Jaden. I hope it helps a lot.

[asdfg789]

I would love to see more of my friends. My real friends are back in England which i have just booked last week to go see them in October which i am super excited about. I dont really have any real girlfriends here,

Don't mind me asking - so what are you doing so far away from those you are close to ? I believe we have concluded that this relationship is harmful. It may be worth doing something as drastic as moving back to England to put a stop to this. Think about it ...