found ex's sex tape with her ex -

[jay121]

Hi there, my first time here but I'm really lost and need advice, the only people I can speak to about this are out so speaking to total outsiders seems good. Sorry if it's the wrong forum I didn't know where else to post this.

As the title said, I found her tape. It was on her computer with loads of other photots/films form years ago.

Been together for nearly 2 years now, we have a lot of the same friends from years ago before we even met, so being bored I was flicking though them. There are a few pics on there of her and her ex but it's never affected me seeing her and her ex together just normal. Then I come across this folder with some more 'privet' photos and videos. I wish I never opened it when I knew what it is, but curiosity got the better of me. It's in the past and I know that. But I can't help but feel rotten inside for seeing the girl I love 'with' someone else.

I don't know what to do, she comes back form work in a few hours, and I know she can tell something is up with me. I don't know if I should tell her, or just go out calm down and just put it behind me.

Just to make it clear, the issue is nothing to do with not trusting, or feeling betrayed, or any thing like that. It's just difficult to see... no one should have to see that.

My head is a little messed up right now, anything would help. Thanks.

[The Gent]

Dude, that sucks...no one should have to find something like that.
Strange that she's kept hold of this video even after being with you for 2 years. Although then again, it's quite possible she simply forgot to get rid of it.

If I were you, I wouldn't bring it up with her & try to forget about it. The past is the past, bro.

[John Littlejohn]

Dude, that sucks...no one should have to find something like that.

No they shouldn't. That is why they should keep their meathooks to themselves.

Strange that she's kept hold of this video even after being with you for 2 years. Although then again, it's quite possible she simply forgot to get rid of it.

"Forgot to get rid of it?" That video, and those pictures, are her past. They're part of who she is. She shouldn't be obligated to burn her entire past simply because that relationship didn't work out and she's with someone else now.

OP: You snooped. You violated her private space. You got what you deserved. Relationships are about trust, and you broke that trust. Honestly, what you did in my mind is on a par with cheating. Both acts: snooping and cheating, betray the same kind of trust and reveal the same kind of poor character. Whatever difficulty you're having in facing the fact that your GF has (**gasp**) had sex before she met you is karma. Stop it and don't do it again.

[jay121]

Thanks for all the replies,

Thanks The Gent, I think you're right about forgetting it. I've calmed down a bit now and though it's still a bit uncomfortable I think it was just the initial shock of seeing someone you love with someone else in that way. I might mention it, I don't know. I'll see how I am in a couple hours.

You said it's strange, but I should explain. When they broke up, he ex still had a ton of here photo folders on his computer. She only recently managed to pic up the USB stick with them all on and uploaded them on her computer but it's on the same folder as all the other random junk from past and present. I guess it must have been on that.

Littlejohn, thanks for your reply but I think you're being a bit abrasive, and slightly jumping the gun a bit, I take offence to being called no better then a cheater and your tone is a bit off when I'm simply asking for some friendly advice. Considering you are a total stranger to this. The fact that you asserted and presumed everything in your response and didn't even think to ask any questions which is what people do when having a discussion.

I wasn't 'snooping' looking for something. As I said, we have many the same friends and I was just looking through the random pictures. I was not suspecting anything, I was not untrusting of her looking to 'catch her out'. She has the only laptop between us as I was just messing around killing time. Just flicking through then 'bam'.

We are both completely open with all our possessions, it's just curiosity got me. We are not untrusting, suspicious, 'violating personal space' of each other at all in this relationship, in fact it's the best I've ever had, which is why it's not nice to see someone you love being with another man. It's not 'shock horror' she's had sex with other people it's a shock to see it with your own eyes. There's a huge difference.

She doesn't have to get rid of it. It would make me feel better if she did. I'm not asking for her to erase her past and delete every picture of them. I just don't feel comfortable knowing she has a tape of them screwing. I would understand if I had stuff like that which she found and asked me to get rid of it. Why would I keep sex tapes form the past? I have normal pictures for that, not sexual ones which is their only purpose.

[justcheckin]

I would forget about it man. You cant change the past. She is with you now, not him, you know?

I personally would just forget about it and "EVENTUALLY" try to make one myself haha

[John Littlejohn]

If I was abrasive, it was because I don't think people should be poking around in other people's things. What questions did you think I should have asked? You snooped in a "privet" folder. That's all I really need to know. You saw a private folder and decided to be a nosy parker. Your curiosity overcame your sense of propriety and respect.

We are both completely open with all our possessions, it's just curiosity got me.

Exactly. Curiousity got you. You went somewhere you shouldn't, if you had had proper respect for her private things and/or weren't prepared for what you might find there.

We are not untrusting, suspicious, 'violating personal space' of each other at all in this relationship, in fact it's the best I've ever had,

That's great. But you're again denying that you poked your nose where it shouldn't have gone. Into a folder marked private. That means private from you, until informed otherwise. I don't care how fantastic your relationship is; everyone needs their private space. I'm always suspicious when people claim "all our posessions and passwords and facebooks and emails and mobile phones and credit card statements and academic transcripts and medical records and shoeboxes of old love letters are open to each other; what a trusting nonsuspicious arrangement we have!" Be respectful of your partner's private things. Permission to see them isn't permission to run ragged through them. She has her private things and you have yours.

which is why it's not nice to see someone you love being with another man. It's not 'shock horror' she's had sex with other people it's a shock to see it with your own eyes. There's a huge difference.

I don't understand. You know she had sex before. The video is nothing but confirmation of that fact. In any case, if you're now recovered from the shock, then the point is moot.

She doesn't have to get rid of it. It would make me feel better if she did. I'm not asking for her to erase her past and delete every picture of them. I just don't feel comfortable knowing she has a tape of them screwing. I would understand if I had stuff like that which she found and asked me to get rid of it. Why would I keep sex tapes form the past? I have normal pictures for that, not sexual ones which is their only purpose.

Again, I don't understand. Why would it make you feel better to destroy her mementos because seeing them gives you a shock? The correct solution is for you to not look at them any more. Destroying them won't make her forget her sex life. Would you be more comfortable with her erasing all her memories of having had sex with anyone else? Why would you acquiesce to a request to get rid of yours? You ask: "why would I keep it?" I can think of any number of reasons: because you made it and it's an important part of your past, which makes you who you are. Because it is a fond memory. Because it's hott. Because you're a hoarder. Anything. But this is off topic.

So ask her to get rid of them. Of course, if a partner came to me and told me that they'd been poking around my computer into folders marked private and found my videos, and that they'd like to me destroy them now please, then that partner would probably not be a partner for very long... since s/he would have little respect for my space, mementos, and past. But YMMV. I recognize that not everyone is me. Perhaps she will be just as happy to get rid of them as you would be. I hope so, for then you would be a match for each other.

[MissShrimpy]

That really sucks, the only similar thing I've been through is finding an empty condom packet between my boyfriends games (I knew it was from a previous relationship).
I wouldn't bring it up, unless she's completely honest, she'll tell you she forgot to delete them, I doubt she watches them and has probably just forgotten about them, I've got pictures of me and a boyfriend together somewhere on my computer (not dirty ones mind you) but I don't know where they are so I can't delete them, but they are forgotten of most of the time.
Just try move on, I know it's difficult, but if it's bothering you, you could suggest trying to create your own, to get "even" sometimes it helps to know you're doing the same, or better than previous lovers.