Is this cheating?

[apcrdv]

So here’s my story:
I was in an exclusive relationship with this girl, we had been together for about 6 months and were very serious. I had been friends with her for 2 years -- when I first met her she was in a serious relationship with another guy, but things didn’t work out for them and they broke up a little over a year ago. My family and hers live across the country from each other, about 1,500 miles apart. Her and I were living together in her home town for a while, but I had to go back home for a few months to be with my family and take care of some things, and the distance was putting some serious stress on our relationship – I had only been home about a week, but we were squabbling over the phone almost every night, and she was feeling really down. Anyway, one day she tells me (two days after the fact) that a couple of days ago while she was hanging out with a guy friend of hers from work they had gotten really drunk and high together and she didn’t think that she could drive herself home, and didn’t know anyone who she could call for a ride, so she slept in his bed with him. She swears up and down that they weren’t touching while they slept, and I can hear in her voice that she feels guilty about the whole thing, but it still makes me feel really nasty and sort of heartbroken and I tell her that I’m not sure that I can be with her anymore.
Aside from this there is one other incident that bothered me: a couple of months previously to all of this she was hanging out with her ex and she started crying while she was telling him about something that was bothering her, and he cuddled up to her to “comfort” her. They cuddled together for a while before he asked her to stay the night with him instead of going home. She didn’t stay the night, but she told me that she was “tempted”. A couple of weeks after the incident with her coworker we were thinking about getting back together, when I found out that she had spent a night or two sleeping in her ex’s bed with him on the weekend – no sex involved as far as I know... Her retort to my being upset with this was “you and I weren’t together at the time.”
Does any of this constitute infidelity?
Now a couple of months have passed since all of this happened, I’ve cooled off a bit and I really miss her, she swears that she’s changed a lot, and I’m in a position where I could move back to her home town and try to make things work with her again. I was very much in love with her, I still think about her all of the time, but everything that happened still bothers me (although I’m not sure whether or not it should), and I’m not sure if I would be wise to rekindle the flame.

Sorry for venting. I really need some perspective on this… its driving me crazy. I would be really grateful for any advice.
Thank you in advance.

[Murray]

Hi, I hope what I say can help some.

I work away from home and there's no doubt it puts tremendous strain on a relationship. In your case, it looks to me like she is extremely lonely and very vunerable. The work colleague thing - it could very well be very innocent and that is all there is to it. She didn't have to tell you, there was no reason for her to tell you other than being honest with you. True, he/ she could have racked out on the couch, but being vunerable and probably needing somebody close at that time she decided that sharing a bed is not actually totally wrong. It's stretching it a bit to be honest, but if she had some clothes on, likewise him too, it's almost a flatmate type thing.

Being brutally frank though, if she'd undressed and likewise him then you kinda know what really happened. I think that's quite key to your line in the sand.

Her ex and her? It's not uncommomn for two people who have been very tight to re-kindle something when they meet. It may be just a glance, share a joke, a dance at a function etc etc
but I must say from not spending the night to spending a couple of nights is a big difference although as you say there was no sex. But - she has a point in saying you two were'nt 'together' at the time, you were'nt and as you were away and had kinda broken up I can see her point - especially as it was the ex. If it was a stranger you could argue that she's not the one for you, but the ex is different.

Break up's can never be truly amicable. One or the other is always 'left' by the other and will hanker after a re-union. This may well be the case with the ex.

I think a key question to ask yourself is if you had stayed in her town with her and hadn't split up, would she have gone looking for or even if approached gotten it on with her ex? If you genuinely believe no, then start again. If you genuinely believe yes, then try as hard as you can to move on becuase sh'e not ready to cut the tie with him completely.

I'm no great advocate of what people should or shouldn't do. I'm going through the mill right now and know that my relationship stinks. But I can't bring myself just yet to give up as I always believe people can 'see the light'. That's both a bit too grand and very pretencious I know becuase most people can see the light but choose not to follow it for their own reasons.

But one thing I do know. We each have the power to do what we choose. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are that hold us to somebody, children, financial, love, anger, fear, fear of being lonely, starting over again, self esteem, the list is endless, but we each have the choice to leave when we choose.

Empower yourself to make the right call my friend.

Best wishes and good luck,
Murray