Confused? My man is constantly checking out dating sites

[paradise10]

Please give me some feedback and advice. I've known this guy for nearly two years. Five months after I met him, I allowed him to live with me. He is now 60 and I am 52. We both do not look our real age, but the problem is, every now and then, I find evidence that he has been visiting these dating sites. BTW, we met on one. I assume he forgets to get rid of the history, and when I log on and check the history, I sometimes find what he has written in his AOL inbox. This is not the first time I have read letters written by him to other females. I had talked to him last year about it, and he told me it meant nothing, that it was just something to do whenever he gets bored. It keeps happening though. When we were having drinks last week outdoors, he told me....(and I was not the one who bought it up) that he may go on social sites, but that he only does it to see if he still "got it." I had asked him throughout our relationship if he loves me, and he stated yes. I thought he had stopped, but I keep seeing the letters, and I will not reveal to him I ever see them. Only once did I confront him last year. His love for me has been shown in some ways, but not in others. For instance, he takes care of the outdoor chores, cooks, does laundry, and isgenerous whenever he has money, yet, our sex life sucks. I do know that his drive is down. I consider myself to have great sex appeal, and am an attractive woman with a great personality, so I cannot figure out why he keeps writing letters to females, if he "truly" loves me. He moved with me, and left his job an hour and a half away due to stress with the commute, and not being treated right at the establishment. He has been searching (although not actively) in my hometown, but is also awaiting a lump sum social security check. He will probably be found eligible due to a diagnoses of bipolar. It isn't severe, and it is controlled quite well, but he has had depression issues. He seems cheerful for the most part, but this thing with the social network sites he goes on is troubling me. What do you think can be the problem. I want out if there is game. I have come too far, just lost my mom and dad, and I cannot take anymore heartache. He does not go anywhere, as he barely has any funds. If he did, I wonder if he would go off and meet someone. He has done so twice before, but went to re-hab to get clean from cocaine usage. He has not since stayed out, and swore to me he has never cheated on me. I don't know....I just do not know anymore. Thanks for your feedback and any advice you can offer.

[reeba]

So you have a bi-polar, cocaine rehab, basically jobless but waiting for that big SS payout, impotent, but online cheating man living in your house. WTF is so great about this guy that you want him in your house????

Chances are he is online hoping to find the next sucker to support him, because he has to be smart enough to realize that eventually you will toss his butt out. But he is probably also doing it, since it is the only way he can feel virile & charming. Becuase in the real world, nothing about this man is virile and charming.

[kageri]

Most likely he has some self esteem issues which would go along with depression and addiction problems. He probably feels the need to boost his esteem through getting the attention of women and thinks that it's harmless if he does it online instead of in person. Whether you need to address that problem or not is your decision. If he's done nothing to cheat so far and only shown he loves you then I would think that his online actions would not become real life ones but there's no way to guarantee that given the chance he wouldn't make things real. It's going to come down to a gut feeling that could always be wrong. It might help stop the problem if he had friends, people to socialize with, and less time to sit around bored on the internet. Then he would have people who could boost his self esteem and things to do besides think about his problems. Ideally you shouldn't need someone else to keep your self esteem high but some people never learn that and at that age he's probably not going to. Tons of people of all ages fall in to the trap of using online sites for all their social attention and confidence.

[paradise10]

Thanks so much Reeba. I have been doing lots of praying, and hopefully he will not slip anymore. He has stayed out at least three times in the two years I've known him. The last time is when he admitted that he was using, and then went to rehab for one and a half months. I'm just waiting for him to slip one more time, and he is out of my life. I pray to the dear Lord that it does not happen, because he has many "good" traits, but I just will not tolerate any more mental. I have healed from prior relationships gone bad, just recieved my BS degree, and working on a manuscript. Please pray for me. I have a few more guys waiting to be with me in case he slips....one earns over two hundred fifty grand, wants to marry me and take me to Paris or anywhere else I want to go. I pray my man does not slip....if so, he's out, no matter how bad it hurts me or him. Thanks again, and have a wonderful evening.

[paradise10]

Thanks for your reply and suggestions. It's much appreciated. Yes, as I think about it, he does have some self-esteem issues. Only time will tell if he will cheat. I will know, trust me. I have several friends that I would like to introduce to him. This probably will help some once he begins to get outta the house more. He has told me that the online checking out thing is only something to pass time and that he has never actually physically talked to any of the women. Right now, I'm just basically keeping a keen eye on him, and will not give him any of my money...just enough to help feed him until I see him continuing to find work. However, I will not wait too long for even that though, because I deserve happiness. I have come too far, raised all my children who are contributing successfully to society, finished college, and presently working on a manuscript. Please pray for me, I need all the prayers I can get. I do not want to be hurt again, as I have healed very well from prior relationships. Thanks Kageri, and have a wonderful evening.

[jjpm]

This sounds like a serious red flag Even if he has not cheated, or has no intention of carrying through with cheating, the mere fact that he is exploring his options and viewing the profiles of single woman shows a non-comittal attitude.