messy situation!!!!!!! :(

[aek11111]

Hi,

So I have an amazing boyfriend. We have been dating for almost a year and live together. I really really care for him and we have discussed the future together- we want to be together in the long run.

The problem is, I have this friend that I have a very intense emotional friendship with. I have known him for two years. My friend is an introverted philosopher, who is shy, awkward, introverted, and keeps to himself. He is also not conventionally attractive (unkempt long hair and beard), and I have told him so many times, trying to get him to improve himself. I have said many mean things that I regret, such as telling him he is too unstable to ever be in a relationship and that he needed to be more mature. It took him a very long time to open up to me, but once he did, we started talking all the time. He says I am the only person in our university that he talks to. I used to have strong romantic feelings for him, and sometimes I think I still do. We used to hang out a lot last year, but we would fight a lot and things would always be volatile and difficult. The thing is, we always made up. Most of our conversations consisted of my attraction to other men, and I would constantly tell him about the boys I liked (in my warped way I think I was trying to make him jealous). My boyfriend and friend are in the same social circle though, so things got awkward when my boyfriend found out that I used to have feelings for my friend. He thinks I still do but he knows I love him more so he says he is OK with it.

Anyway, recently I had a falling out with my boyfriend and my friend's social circle. They have been very mean to me, and my boyfriend took my side and stopped talking to me. I was very upset when my friend refused to defend me publicly or give them up, because he lives with them and is very attached to them. I still feel though he should have done that for me (as I would have for him). We had this huge fight and I started crying, and then my friend started crying and said it was because I was disappointed in him. Then I told him it would be OK, and we started hanging out a lot alone. My boyfriend went out of town for a few days, and my friend and I would hang out and cuddle in my bed. I would be sad a lot and my friend would try to comfort me, and even told me he wanted to be my emotional comforter. Then one night we were cuddling, and we started holding hands and I lay on him and we started patting and hugging each other. Nothing else happened, and I felt guilty, but my friends told me it was OK to cuddle with a friend and not to worry about it. I even asked him if he was ever into me, and he said no, because since he has known me I have always had a boyfriend (I have dated lots of people since we met but I did not really like any of them as much as I liked him). I even tried to set him up with girls, and even though he told me he liked a couple girls here and there, he never did anything with them because he said he was too shy and usually he was resistant to it. I asked him if I should dump my boyfriend, and he said no, and that I seemed happy with him. Always before with my previous boyfriends (including my current boyfriend) he would tell me to dump them but this time he told me to stay with my boyfriend. It just seemed like I could get never get the timing right to tell him, and my friends all said if he wanted me he would have tried something a long time ago, so it was obvious that he was not interested.

Anyway, after that, my friend called me and said he needed space from me, because he said he could not stop stressing about me and was not even able to do work. He said it was too emotionally intense and he wanted us to be apart for a bit. Then a couple weeks later we hung out, and it was awkward and strained. My friend said that he did not understand our friendship and it was too complicated and intense. Then, a few days later, I found out that he was chummy as ever with the people who were mean to me, and I texted my friend to ask him what was going on (if he was not going to defend me he should at least not be as bff with the mean people as ever)! They were very bigoted and horrible to me and made me cry, and my friend knows that, but thinks he is too weak to stand up for me. Anyway, he showed up at my door, and started freaking out at me. He started screaming at me and said he could not hang out anymore because it was too hard emotionally and I was too depressing to be around and he just got depressed. He said he made an appt to see a psychiatrist to prescribe him anti depressants because of me. Then he stormed out of my house. I was very upset and confused. A few days later, I tried to talk to him, and he said he was done with me and never wanted to speak to me again! He said it was too difficult to be around me, that our friendship was too dysfunctional, and that he was too depressed and had to go on anti depressants bc of me. He said he is too sensitive to be around me, and if he kept hanging out with me he would never recover from the depression, and that the last time he was this depressed was when his ex dumped him four years previously. He said he could never talk to me in person again because we destroy each other. I did not know what to say, so I said we had to let each other go. I said I had to get over him and he had to get over me. He agreed and looked really sad, and I started crying. Then he said that if I see him on the street I have to ignore him because he can't even handle small talk with me!

I have been so upset about it since then and have been crying every day. I feel like he abandoned me, and my boyfriend is mad at me because I always talk about my friend to him. I love my boyfriend, but I also like my friend. I am so upset because I can't ever talk to my friend again. Someone please help!!! I still do not fully understand why my friend stopped talking to me all of a sudden and hates me so much now.

[IncognitoSir]

First, ask your boyfriend if you cuddling with your guy friend is OK or not. Your friendship with the guy is dysfunctional and so is your relationship with your boyfriend. You need to create and maintain relationship boundaries. You hang out with a guy other than your boyfriend, alone, all while knowing he has feelings for you and YOU had/have feelings for him. I think you should break up with your boyfriend, it's pretty obvious you don't care for him as much as you say do.

[steviej]

You're the kind of head wrecking girl who drives blokes mad without even realising you're doing it!
Your friend is messed up because of the mixed signals you give him, cuddling, lying in bed together, then talking about other guys all the time or having a boyfriend and still behaving that way with him.
Why is it that your circle of friends have turned against you?
You are asking your friend to give the cold shoulder to all his friends because YOU fell out with them.

You need to learn the boundaries as said, a lot of these problems are made worse by your handling of them.

[Wakeup]

My dear, please get yourself some counceling. Go to your Uni's Guidance Department and make arrangements to talk to someone about your inability to maintain proper platonic boudaries with your ex friend, your inability to maintain romantic relationship boundaries with your boyfriend and, your unreasonable expectations that another should give up the few friends he does have because YOU can't get along with them.

You need to do a lot of inner reflection and maturing. You live with a boy who you barely know and obviously do not love like you proclaim to. You are codependent on the boyfriend but your emotions lie with the male friend. Your live in bf should be ashamed for being with you while knowing that you disrespect the relationship the way you do.

Total dysfunction all around. Clean the slate, get the counceling and start fresh when you're mature enough to be independent and happy on your own. You're no where near being happy or independent with or without these men in your life.