Me <-- the world --> Him

[stephoa]

I am in an online relationship with a guy who lives half way across the world >.<

Right now I'm studying in the US as an international student. He lives in Europe. I truly believe my feelings for him is genuine, as I have never felt this way towards anyone in my entire life before. And although he tells me that he loves me, I can't tell if he's just trying to please me or if he really feels the same way I do. I guess things just don't seem as genuine across computer screens than in real life.

It's such a curse to find the one person you really like to be so far away from you. We try doing a lot of activities together online - chatting, skyping, watching movies together, playing games together.... but somehow, I feel that I need something more with him. I want to be there for him when he's upset, kiss him, hug him, hold him. But it's not easy when he lives so far and I can't afford the price OR the time to go visit. Even if I do, will visiting him for such a small amount of time be enough? Theres a limit to what you can do on the internet, and I'm worried that if someone were to take this one crucial thing away from me, I will lose him forever.

I guess my real question is what should I do next? Even though I know a lot about him, I feel that I don't know enough. I don't want to invade his privacy, but should I try to know his friends? How should I go about asking him that I want to be more involved in his life. I'm worried he'll be embarrassed to admit that he has an online girlfriend to his peers. >.< How can we both end up together happily ever after, when we've havent even seen each other in real life before? I don't know what to do now...

Did I make sense? Sorry if I rambled >.<

[Wakeup]

How can we both end up together happily ever after, when we've havent even seen each other in real life before?

You can't possibly. Why are you afraid to meet real men who can hold you and take you out and show you off and love to be in your face-to-face company?

[HeartIsAching]

You can't possibly. Why are you afraid to meet real men who can hold you and take you out and show you off and love to be in your face-to-face company?

This isn't totally true. It's highly unlikely but not necessarily true. A friend of mine is living proof. He met a young lady online in Thailand 13 years ago, went there for a month to visit, went back for six more weeks and married her. Brought her home and they've been very happily married for 11 years. It CAN happen, but you're bucking the odds.

[stephoa]

You can't possibly. Why are you afraid to meet real men who can hold you and take you out and show you off and love to be in your face-to-face company?

Why would you think I'm afraid to meet 'real men'? I just havent met one 'in real life' that I am interested in yet. I have met a few that I really liked, but timing and everything was just not right. This is the guy I feel is perfect for me. He is the guy I thought I'd never meet. The guy of my dreams. That sort of thing. He is perfection.

This isn't totally true. It's highly unlikely but not necessarily true. A friend of mine is living proof. He met a young lady online in Thailand 13 years ago, went there for a month to visit, went back for six more weeks and married her. Brought her home and they've been very happily married for 11 years. It CAN happen, but you're bucking the odds.

Stories like these gives me hope :-) But unfortunately we both have reasons to stay in our current residences, and although I don't mind moving to him as I feel that I'm very flexible as to where I want to live right now, I'm still wondering whether I should. I mean, what happens if I go there and we decide that it's not meant to be? >.<

[Wakeup]

I say that because you only allow yourself to become vulnerable to men that live thousands of miles away and who you long to meet but never can. That's some kind of sub conscious safety net you have going on. You feel he's "perfect" for you because he is a fantasy and he can say anything he thinks you want to hear and you can never really know if they are meant because he never has to prove his words by backing them up with real actions.

He is the guy I thought I'd never meet.

Hello... you have never met him.

He is perfection

You can't possibly even guess if he is even close to perfect because you've never spent a minute in his company. For all you know he is abusive and self-absorbed which you would only be able to find out by spending time in real life with him.
I will be blunt and tell you that you are wasting good dating years by clinging to your fantasy. Which, is quite a shame for you.


@ HIA... Your friend actually met this woman. OP has NEVER met this man. And not to be rude, but it is well known how anxious Thi woman are to escape their country and it's sub treatment of women and the poverty therein. They even have catalogues for such purposes. I am glad it worked out for him though.

[Cerby]

There is a sad story floating around this forum about a guy who met a girl online, had the online thing go on for almost 3 years, and she came out to meet him on a vacation, and after 2 days of seeing each other face to face, she stopped taking his calls, blocked him online, and was pretty much done with the relationship.

This is my fear with long-term online relationships, the reality simply can't live up to the fantasy. I am all for MEETING people online though, the girl I'm dating now was a PoF project that somehow worked out.

[Wakeup]

There is a sad story floating around this forum about a guy who met a girl online, had the online thing go on for almost 3 years, and she came out to meet him on a vacation, and after 2 days of seeing each other face to face, she stopped taking his calls, blocked him online, and was pretty much done with the relationship.

This is my fear with long-term online relationships, the reality simply can't live up to the fantasy. I am all for MEETING people online though, the girl I'm dating now was a PoF project that somehow worked out.

congrats!

Short term correspondence, meet and see where it goes. Actually carrying on the love affair through a computer is some kind of fear of committment in my estimation.

Best wishes for a long and happy union, Cerby

[Mathias]

Short term correspondence, meet and see where it goes. Actually carrying on the love affair through a computer is some kind of fear of committment in my estimation.

This. Online dating can be an extremely valuable thing - when done correctly.

It's either a fear of commitment, or a need to live in a fantasy world.

[stephoa]

True, I have never met him in real life and I might not know how he truely is not over the interwebs. But I guess you can say I trust him, a lot. I've spent 2 years getting to know him, making sure I know more or less what he is like before I asked him to be in a relationship with me. He is not the perfect human being, no one is. But he is perfection in my eyes.

I honestly didn't believe I could fall in love over the internet either. That was about 2 years ago. I am the kind of person who do not take internet relationships really seriously. But this is different >.< It goes against all my beliefs, yet, I am still, if not in love, then deeply infatuated with this person. And I want to take things to a higher level. Do believe in pursuing your dreams? I want to pursue this dream.

Um, you shouldn't stereotype Thai women They're not all poor and desperate to leave the country as portrayed in movies. Speaking from someone who comes from a neighbouring country.

congrats!

Short term correspondence, meet and see where it goes. Actually carrying on the love affair through a computer is some kind of fear of committment in my estimation.

Best wishes for a long and happy union, Cerby

This. Online dating can be an extremely valuable thing - when done correctly.

It's either a fear of commitment, or a need to live in a fantasy world.

Thank you guys I don't think I have a fear for commitment nor do I want to keep this a fantasy. I really want to meet this guy and hopefully, that will bring us closer. But he is so far away that it's almost impossible to do this immediately. I am trying to make plans for the next year, for I think if we could stay together through the computer, it's worth trying to make this work in real life too, right? But in the mean time, it's hard to get closer to each other, even though I'm trying to think of ways to make this more... real.

[Cerby]

Bottom line is most people like sex. For many guys thats the action that makes the relationship "real" (and not all guys, so don't get the torches out over that comment). LDRs can work because there is the occasional meeting every once in a while that is usually a passionate encounter that re-connects the relationship bond (but I too frown on LDR, too much work for too little payoff).

In this online-only scenario, key parts of the relationship aren't there, and physical contact is right on top of that list.

Best wishes for a long and happy union, Cerby

Thanks wakeup, it took the internet to find someone who lives 3 blocks from me, go figure that one out

[HeartIsAching]

I say that because you only allow yourself to become vulnerable to men that live thousands of miles away and who you long to meet but never can. That's some kind of sub conscious safety net you have going on. You feel he's "perfect" for you because he is a fantasy and he can say anything he thinks you want to hear and you can never really know if they are meant because he never has to prove his words by backing them up with real actions.

Hello... you have never met him.

You can't possibly even guess if he is even close to perfect because you've never spent a minute in his company. For all you know he is abusive and self-absorbed which you would only be able to find out by spending time in real life with him.
I will be blunt and tell you that you are wasting good dating years by clinging to your fantasy. Which, is quite a shame for you.


@ HIA... Your friend actually met this woman. OP has NEVER met this man. And not to be rude, but it is well known how anxious Thi woman are to escape their country and it's sub treatment of women and the poverty therein. They even have catalogues for such purposes. I am glad it worked out for him though.

That's a broad generalization to make about an entire country. His wife is educated (programmer) and had a fine life before meeting my friend.

As I said, it's unlikely, but it is possible... though I don't see how if neither one of them is willing to move to be with the other.

[stephoa]

Hmm, true. I guess we're not unwilling, but hesitant. That sounds more like it. But right now I just want to know how can we get closer in the mean time. Theres not many self help sites for online relationships, after all.

[KingZ]

Just ask him when you two can meet up. If things work out in person then everything will come together.

Honestly, though, it seems like you're infatuated with a fantasy:

Such a cocktail of emotions 'may even falsify the "erotic sense of reality": when a person in love estimates his partner's virtues he is usually not very realistic...projection of all his ideals onto the partner's personality'.

You need to be rational and keep in mind that you're probably under the influence of some sort of illusion. Don't try to force anything, because your infatuation has a strong grip on you. You will be setting yourself up for a heartbreak. Remember that it's unlikely that anything will come out of this.

Instead, have the mindset that if something does come of this, it should be done naturally. Things will come together on their own.

[edit]

Mmm....

If you think about the things about him that you like, you'll realize that these are all things that probably exist in other people. There might be some specific parts, but you probably decided you like those things after having met him. Again, projection of ideals onto the partner's personality.

[Incognito]

Online interactions are nothing like real life interactions. There is something about being [with] someone that will never translate through text or through a screen. Right now this is only a fantasy. Your statement about him "being perfection" shows that you have idealized this man, whom you've never met, to a great degree. If you have spent two years getting to know this guy online and haven't met him yet it will probably be a while before you actually do meet him.

While I don't totally agree with wakeup I think that the distance between you two allowed you to open up to him sooner and even more than with someone who you'd have face to face dealings with. Perhaps on a subconscious level you felt safer emotionally investing in someone who couldn't hurt you because of how far away they were and the improbability of a face to face encounter in the near future.

What if this guy keeps this online relationship up only because he is depressed and it makes him feel good? What if everything he has told you about himself is a fabrication? What if because of the improbability of meeting [you] he is having other online relationships? There are a host of other things to consider, but the bottom line is that unless you have a way to meet this guy (more than one time) and unless you're planning on a definite time to do so you both need to move on.