How to become a better me and heal properly?

[manu85]

Hi all,

The reason I’m here is because I’m still trying to get myself back together 10 months after breaking up with my ex-gf of almost 1,5 years. It was my first long-term relationship and I’ve never had such an intense connection with someone. I’m a 25 year old student and was 23 when we started dating.

I realize I had a lot of shortcomings and made big mistakes in my relationship that have contributed for a great deal to us breaking-up. I feel bad about myself, I feel a total fail, still, after all this time, and I feel like I am not able to make another person happy, which makes me feel a failed human being and utterly sad.

That is way I came to this forum. I read through Mariposa81’s forum about her getting back together with her ex-bf and eventually breaking up, and I saw the amazing support she got there from you guys, and how helpful that venting all of it was for her and kept her going during the difficult times. I have felt really helpless and hopeless lately, almost resorting to the state I was in right after the break-up (= semi-depressed, not motivated to work, not motivated to see friends, closed off to possible new relationships). My goal to post here is to learn from my mistakes, start to feel a better about myself again and ultimately I really want to grow as a person.

I want to let you guys know that I’m a pretty complex and maybe a bit weird person but I sincerely hope you guys could to some point empathize with me and I would appreciate that a lot. I will also be completely honest with you, even though I am ashamed of quite a bit of things and feel like a failure about a big part of my failed relationship. But I’m going to be honest because I think ultimately that’s the only way to finally face my problems and grow.

I apologize for this post to be so long but do appreciate your reading very VERY much. It's even too long to post, therefore I split it up into 3 posts; to make things a bit clearer I've split it up into 4 parts to make it a bit clearer: 1) Reasons for the break-up 2) Break-up itself and post-break-up-issues 3) Personal issues 4) Friendship?

I've also had my most important questions underlined. If any of you would feel like providing any insight or help regarding this, it would be awesome to get any replies from you guys

1. Reasons for the break up

Let me introduce to you guys how things happened: me and my ex studied abroad in Spain for a semester. She was 22, I was 23 and she had a 7-year relationship going on. She had a huge crush on me and things went very quick from there. The same night she told me – I had no clue, but felt bad about the boyfriend telling her we couldn’t do this, but she didn’t care – we ended up in bed and would secretly have sex almost every night for the next entire month. She broke up with her bf who was back in Belgium that month and we started a relationship.

From the beginning, things weren’t easy.

Our first and biggest issue, I think, was that she felt that I didn’t love her as much as she loved me. I think that came partially from her having a crush on me and me sort of ‘letting it happen’. But it also came from my lack of actions I showed her my love with later in the relationship. We would typically see each other 2-3 evenings a week, with usually at least 1 of these with friends. I admit that, regularly, I felt it hard to fit in the dates together on top of other activities that took a lot of my time and were important to me (studying, practicing my music and piano, working out). I often felt I could never do enough and it frustrated me that she was regularly sad because she felt that I at times gave her the feeling that I didn’t invest myself 100% emotionally when I saw her and that I seemed rushed an preoccupied for other things I had and wanted to do. I must say I always enjoyed being with her, but I also admit that indeed, I’m maybe not the really relationship-ish guy who needs the really regular cuddle-up time and do the really couply things. I do feel a fail for knowing that she invested her heart 200% and I maybe didn’t do what I could… I feel really bad because of that… She even thought I didn’t love her as much up to the point where she thought that I was mostly with her because it was the ‘perfect picture’ next to my friend’s relationships (she being a year younger and a pretty, smart girl, giving me all I want and need in a relationship, being sociable and fun with my friends, etc.). I will also say, without wanting to talk down my ex, that she is quite emotionally needy. She is a very caring, sensitive, loving and very emotionally intelligent person (much more than me, I admit), and she needed a lot to keep her sensitive ‘strings’ satisfied emotionally. I know some of you ladies reading this might frown their eyebrows and think ‘hmmm, sounds like you’re overreacting and she’s just a WOMAN’ and feeling I’m looking at her from a superficial male viewpoint, but from (male and female) mutual friends I have had the confirmation that she is quite demanding emotionally and needs a lot of confirmation, which I, as quite a free, careless, ‘light’ person might not be well placed to give her… Maybe I wasn’t up for that task… and I admit I also feel a fail and sad because of that, because I would really want to be able to satisfy a woman physically and especially emotionally and make her truely happy, allthough sometimes I think I’m just not capable of that… and to be completely honest, sometimes I think I just want to FEEL like being capable of that instead of REALLY being capable… maybe we men are just ego’s… I know I’m not placing myself in good light here, but again, I just want to be honest.

Our second big issue was my sexuality. I had had regular sexual encounters with men before I met her (mostly soft sex, and one 1-month ‘relationship’). She found that out by checking my cell phone messages after 2-3 weeks after we first had sex. I thought she would break up with me and continue with her boyfriend because of that, but surprisingly, she took it very well and was very encouraging of me to explore that side more. The month after that, while I already was at home and she was still in Spain, I did indeed have a sexual encounter with 2 men. When she came home, we started a relationship. She was hurt by what I had done, and I was stupid for not realizing that, although she encouraged me, deep inside she had really hoped for me to realize that I needed her and only her to be happy. At regular times during our relationship – not often, but once every few months – I did feel the need to satisfy my sexual desire for a man, but I have never cheated on her. It remained an issue… We’d talk about it and she had the feeling she was undesireable and couldn’t satisfy me sexually. Even though I tried hard to make her feel better about that, maybe I didn’t try enough… I really loved sex with her, and I’ve never been turned on so much by a girl, but due to some sexual problems (I had a long and narrow foreskin, not retracting over the glans, causing difficulties while having vaginal intercourse as in not getting enough direct stimulation on the glans and therefore being unable to orgasm, sorry for the details), we also could never really explore our full sexual potential. I have to admit it took me quite a long while to erase my sexual fantasies of her after we broke up. But I also, in all honesty, have to admit that I sometimes had sexual fantasies about other women while we were together (I feel really ashamed of that but I’m not going to lie here) and maybe I do have to admit that that might also be a reason that I sometimes thought of ‘greener grass’ and that made her feel undesireable. I always found her attractive though. (I admit, I really feel like a d*ck saying all this… but I guess… I need to be honest…)

Our third big issue was our difference in future plans. She knows what she wants and is in her first year of her lawyer apprenticeship. She wants to marry and have kids in about 2 years and be a young mother. On the other hand, I am a medical student but up to this day I have huge doubts if I even want to be a doctor. This has bothered me for years now and I’ll come back to this more extensively in ‘personal issues’. I see myself having kids somewhere down the line when the time is right, but I know I have years of work in sight before I can be happy with who I am, what I am doing and feel capable of making someone happy in a strong relationship before even thinking about having kids.

I realize I’m a big failure in this department as well, and feel that, if I don’t get this sorted out, I won’t ever be able to have a happy relationship.

[manu85]

*part 2*

2. Break-up itself and post-break-up-issues

We broke up in steps. It was mostly her suggestion. I admit that breaking up had crossed my mind too in the last months of us being together, but I guess I always loved too much, and maybe I realized what I had to loose and didn’ t want to let go of so many good things. She suggested it on our holiday last summer. I was really upset and I said that then we should just end it right now and continue the holiday as ‘friends’. She agreed, but already the day after, stayed her usual touchy, caring self. I couldn’t bare being touched by her. So we realized it was going to be too difficult to already break up, and we continued the holiday as a couple, remaining touchy, having sex, etc.

On August 1st, when we came home, we ‘definitely’ broke up, although it didn’t feel like that. We were like best friends right before the break-up, I felt happy, lighter, but awkward at first. The next weeks we had ocassional short (non-touchy, just friendly) contact. It became increasingly difficult, I started to miss her like crazy. I asked for a final reconciliation date end september, and I brought her a 14-page letter (yup, that long, lol) I wrote in which I tried to address all our relationship issues. It was a very strange night. She was very ambiguous and unclear. First of all, she invited me into her bedroom to read the letter (I felt so weird). Then she started saying how much she enjoyed being single. She also said she had thought that we maybe should have sex one more time, but that eventually, it might be better not to. She read the letter, cried, said she couldn’t go on anymore. She said it was over, and that maybe she would want to be with me again in a few years time, but she didn’t want to give me any hope. I was traumatized at the time. I felt so f*cked because of her way of ending things, not being straightforward and having me hang onto hopes of reconciliation.

I litterally, like most people right after a break-up I guess, went crazy the following weeks. I read a lot of internet stuff. I initiated the no contact strategy in hopes of getting her back.

The month after our break-up, I bumped into her quite frequently, although I really tried to avoid her. She started to hang out a lot with mutual friends. All of these mutual friends I have known for at least 6 years, and she got to know them through me the past year. She celebrated her birthday by having a drink with 2 mutual friends (plus 1 of her friends) and then going to a party organized by my fresh housemate (I had just moved). I felt so robbed of my social life. All I wanted was a circle of people I could confide in to get over my heartbreak. She didn’t allow me that. I ‘exploded’ to her during that party of my housemate (I don’t explode often I can tell you that), saying she was so selfish and that I didn’t want to see her anymore. Afterwards I tearfully (gosh, I’m such a * * * * * ) apologized to her for getting angry. I opened up to her and said it hurt me too much to see her and I couldn’t have fun at parties when she was there (I know, I felt really pathetic for telling her that afterwards). I said I had the right to get over her and would appreciate it if she took a step back and allow me to enjoy partying without her. She understood (or so I thought), but, asked if she could come to a mutual friend’s birthday party the day after. I didn’t want to be silly and said it was okay. The next evening, she came to the party where all of my friends (and quite a few mutual friends) were. With a date. She flirted with the gay in the middle of the dance floor the whole night. I felt devasted and humiliated and, quite frankly, in shock. But I didn’t show her anything. The weirdest thing was that, when she accidentally bumped into me, she sort of comfortingly touched my shoulder. I really didn’t need that, but again, didn’t say anything. After a while I just said goodbye and left. After that night, I decided to take more distance.

The weeks and months after, our accidental bumping-into-each-other-on-parties indeed decreased. But that was mostly because I started to withdraw from a lot of social weekend activities. I saw facebook pictures flaring up of her and some of my mutual friends at parties I had never even known of. I was really hurt. I felt like our mutual friends chose her over me, and that after knowing her for such a short time compared to me. There would also be situations where a good friend of ours would organize a dinner and invite only her. SHE even asked HIM that he should invite me… That was so humiliating… I would also at one point call one my best friends and ask what she was doing that night, only to find out she had invited my ex that very moment at her house. I could hear by the fuss in the background that things were said like “don’t say I’m here to him!”. Ugh. I felt so betrayed… I really started withdrawing from social activities and mutual friends, even though a few of them are really very very close to me, thinking they would probably all feel happier knowing I wouldn’t show up. So they wouldn’t have to worry about choosing between who to invite and that she could happily continue her crazy flirting, partying and seducing. I felt really lonely at that time, I felt no one really cared and loved me at that time, even though I had some support too of those mutual friends. But it didn’ t feel like enough, it didn’t feel like I still had some of my really truely best friends for me alone, because they were also seeing her. I couldn’t confide my problems anymore to anyone, because I was afraid she might hear that I was doing bad, and I’m too proud for that. I started to lock up a lot of emotions inside. I hate to admit that after 3 months, in the middle of winter, I actually had suicidal thoughts. No concrete plans, but there were a few weeks where I called the “Suicide Line” (that’s how it’s called). That was the only place I felt I could still confide my deepest feelings to. Sad but true. I’m happy to say I haven’t been as bad since, but lately I’ve been quite bad too.

The reason I'm feeling worse lately is because since 2 months I moved in with a mutual friend. I'm sharing a house in the center of the city with 2 older guys who are rather distant friends of mine, one of them now having become a good friend of hers. Yup, he was the one who didn't invite me to the dinner he organized after the break-up. You are probably wondering why I did this. Well, I simply didn't want to give up everything. This is a house where many of my friends and mutual friends regularly come. It's also a great place in the middle of the city center, with a big and beautiful room for me alone. I honestly told the guy that I was hurt by him not inviting me, but that I was willing to give it a try if we made some agreements (eg her not being invited to our house, or at least not when I'm there, but so far he hasn't invited her at all). He's also a creative, artistic guy and I thought we'd match well, he's a nice guy. But, I guess I underestimated the influence their friendship has on my friendship with this guy. I know I'm probably making too much fuss out of nothing, but I can't help but feel that I'm not able to open up or really relax around him because I'm afraid he will tell I'm doing not too well to her. He is also like being really nice and all and it all comes across a bit fake. I would just like him to act normal and just be himself, but he seems to overdo everything. I don't know.

Should I openly communicate to my housemate that I'm still bothered by their friendship? That I can't seem to open up and that it feels awkward a lot of the time? Or should I just move out? I feel bad for him because I'll feel that I let him down and I'll also leave him alone as the other flatmate is moving out in October as well. Anyone any suggestions? I just don't know what to do...

Ever since the break-up, I’ve remained no contact with my ex-gf. That means almost 10 months with just 1 text after one month and some occasional bumping into each other, especially the first few months (maybe 5 times in total with an occasional 2-minute conversation apart from the one row we had at my housemate’s party). I just felt my life was intoxicated by her. Since a few months, that feeling has become a lot less intense. But it still hasn’t completely gone away.

[manu85]

* and here goes part 3*

3. Personal issues

Ultimately, this is the reason I’m here. I want to grow as a person, I want to feel better about myself and I don’t want to feel like I’m such a fail in relationships anymore.

- Sexuality:
I still have to explore my bisexuality and have a clearer understanding of what I want from a relationship. I want to know if I really can’t be with a man, or if I’m subconciously trying to supress the desire to have a relationship with a man. In a next relationship, I don’t want to have so many doubts anymore. But on the other hand, I cringe at the idea of ‘using’ a man as an experiment to see if I could be with one or not. I don’t want to do something like that to anyone.

I know that maybe some people will say: you’re greedy. You want everything. No. I want to genuinely be with one person and have an intimate, fulfilling relationship with 1 human being and I want to try to make them as happy as I possibly can (which I sometimes think I just can’t). I feel that being bisexual can be quite hard in terms of finding a relationship. I’ve found that men and women are not eager on getting together with a bisexual person. And I don’t blame them. They will probably feel that it’s double trouble and they have to watch out for twice as many potential partners.

Does anyone have any experience with bisexuality and how to make long-term relationships work? How can I work on this? How can I find out what I want? Should I have some casual dating with a man to see what it's like to be in a relationship with a guy? Maybe I just need to enjoy my time single and experiment a bit, get to know my preferences better. And accept that ultimately I will have to CHOOSE and GO FOR IT 100% if I want to have a fulfilling relationship. Chosing is losing. That’s been a problem in a lot of aspects of my life.

- Career: That’s been a huge issue. I won’t have the possibility to be in a good relationship if I can’t make future plans. As mentioned above, I’m a medical student but I’ve had doubts from the start of my study if this is really my passion. I found out being a doctor would not be my passion. On the other side, however, I do realize it’s a good job, which would offer me financial security as well as a certain degree of emotional and intellectual satisfaction, although it would be really heavy. Being a doctor, I’ve found out, is really really hard work, and asks a lot of dedication. Right now I feel like I’m missing the dedication that is necessary in order to be a good doctor. I’ve always had a creative and artistic side to me and I’m pretty sure that’s where my true passion lies. As a kid I used to watch Disney movies and draw books about them of 100+ pages at age 7-8. I went to art school as a kid, I have taken dance classes, acting classes, I’ve played the violin for 10 years, I studied graphic design for a year before med school. Since 2 years (actually right after meeting my ex) I started jazz singing classes. I absolutely love to sing. I’m actually, as crazy as it may seem, considering having a career as a singer. I participated at the conservatory exam last year for jazz singing (which, after just 1 year of singing classes, of course I failed) and am considering taking a jazz singing course this summer and trying the exam in August again. At the same time, I realize I’m being very immature and stupid. I haven’t informed anyone about this, not even my best friends or family, my ex gf was the only one who knew this. I also am really busy in medicine lately and in a few months have my clinical exam (thé exam) coming up and will have to decide which doctor I want to become. I feel I’m totally not into that anymore, and I don’t know what I’ll do in the upcoming months… I feel like trying to become a singer would probably be a stupid move, throwing away all my efforts to try to be a doctor, choosing for financial insecurity, chasing a dream and chasing a level of success that is very unlikely to happen to me, especially at this age. And I’m not even talking about how I would finance this all, going to the conservatory, letting alone telling my friends.

I’ve been having great difficulties sharing these thoughts about a possible career change with other close ones. 1) My family. Because I have already changed once after studying graphic design for one year, and my parents were quite unappreciative of me doubting so much, pinning it down to immatureness (which it might have been, but hey, I can’t help for doubting, can I?). 2) My friends. All of them have universitary degrees and a lot of them are extremely good at what they do. On one hand, I have a lot of friends studying medicine and starting their specialties now, they often had top studying results. On the other hand, I have a few friends in arts (one of them is in film, one is in theater). Both of them are doing very well, esp. One guy who is now basically paid to travel the world and contribute to theater production as a self-thaught director, extremely intelligent guy. I often feel (sorry, I don’t want to come off as arrogant) that I could reach their ‘level’ in both fields, but my indeciciveness has hold me back greatly, and although I also have good grades in medical school, I never had the grades I might have had (although, to be honest, I don’t care too much about that anymore).

I really feel the need to discuss my career plans and thoughts and doubts with close ones. But I feel it would just be ridicolous. I feel I would be laughed at. Be seen as immature. People would probably tell me to work with the career options that I have and appreciate them because they’re (at this point) still excellent, and they’re probably right. But I can’t help but feel that, even though following through with medicine would be the wise and rational and smart choice, I would never be truely happy. When I don’t have a creative goal (a singing exam, a concert, a prospect of maybe starting conservatory) in my mind, I notice that I become unmotivated in all other parts of life. I can only keep up my efforts in medicine if I know that I also have a creative ‘reward’ somewhere in the (very) near future. It seems the only way I can be truely happy…

- Relationships: I just feel a huge fail in relationships. I feel like no woman would eventually, after a while, want to be in a relationship with me. And I feel I can’t make a woman happy. Which makes me feel really sad. I want my confidence back. I want to feel again that I can mean something for someone… That I CAN make someone happy… Whether or not I want that feeling of being capable instead of the real capability itself, is another question. Maybe I wasn’t made for relationships… Maybe my artistic side programs me to always have another ‘passion’ and ‘focus’ in my life, one that is really really important to me and makes it impossible to fit in another person with all of their needs and desires and wishes… I often wonder about that… Artistic people are often viewed as good and desireable lovers, but are a lot of times having difficulties with relationships… Is that the same with me? Am I hopeless? Should I just revert to casual dating and focus on my artistic aspirations as a way to get personal satisfaction? And drop the idea that I need a relationship to be happy? I can’t seem to really believe that would make me happy… in the end I want to fully share my life, my happiness, with someone else, I think only that would make me truely happy… And I want to get rid of the feeling that I do bad to people… My girlfriend always made me feel like I was her ‘devil’, that she wished she’d never met me because I had robbed her heart… I want to feel like a good person again, I’m not all bad… I really don’t want to feel like this anymore… I don’t want anyone to have a heartache because of me… and I don’t want to have a broken heart myself anymore either…

- Communication: Finally, I would like to be a lot better of a communicator. I know it helps when I put my feelings on paper or type it out, but I just can never seem to tell people I feel bad. When they ask ‘how are you?’ I feel obliged to see ‘Fine thanks’ even though I’ve been feeling like crap and a total mess for most of this year. How do I do this? How do I confide someone in these really personal issues I’ve never discussed before with friends, like my bisexuality, my career, my own perceiving of being rubbish as relationship material, even though I know deep down I have some good qualities to offer too. I just always feel like I would ruin the atmosphere. Or I would leave people speechless if I told them all the heavy stuff I’m thinking about. Or that they would, worse, give up on me and just be like ‘you’ll be fine’ because they wouldn’t really know what to say. Or just laugh with me. I wish I’d made earlier work of this. I have sooooooooo much to sort out…

4. Friendship?

After 10 months of no contact, I am thinking of contacting my ex again to be real, genuine friends. But, I just don’t know if it’s possible…

I know that she really wants to be friends and that she still is suffering from our break-up too, but I’m afraid that one of us or both of us might get feelings for the other again. I know we care deeply for each other, but I do know, looking back, that the relationship was too heavy for both of us, and that we probably want different things in life, and that we probably aren’t strong enough to fulfill each other’s desires (she not strong enough to ‘tolerate’ my bisexuality and artistic distractions and aspirations and, and me not strong enough to be the reliable family man that gives her the emotional stability and confirmation she ultimately desires and hoped I could turn into but I think I might eventually, all things sorted out, be capable of becoming that kind of man and father, but that I need a lot more time to ‘ripe’).

I also deep down suspect that she might have ended things hoping that ‘I would change’ (that would explain the “I don’t want to be with you anymore but maybe in a few years” and the “you’re not ready for a relationship’). That is really tricky… I’m afraid that if she’s going to try to experiment with subtly seducing me I wouldn’t be able to resist, which would be no good for either of us.

Should I contact her and say that I would like to be genuine friends, but only if there’s nothing more than friends? Or would that come off too arrogant… after all, maybe she’s changed and she just wants friendship as well… I just don’t know… I also have to admit that I’m still really ‘busy’ with processing things and maybe I still don’t have enough distance from her and the relationship yet…

Should I wait until I’m dating someone new or am in a relationship again? Or would that still not take away the ‘danger’… I know at least she’s seeing someone else for about 1,5 month now… but I’ve also heard it’s probably going to end quickly and she hasn’t found mental stability yet…

Pfff, I don’t know. Any suggestions?



Finally, I want to thank you guys A LOT for reading through all this!!! I appreciate it enormously!! I can say I feel a lot lighter after getting this all off my chest. I hope you guys don’t think I’m a total lunatic (which I probably am). I know I’m not a saint, I know in some parts I’ve been a rude, insensitive, maybe even right out bad boyfriend, and I’m willing to face critique where critique is due, I really am… I just want to LEARN, for my own sake and for the sake of my future loved ones… I know a lot of women will think – geez, this guy has a LOT to learn – well, ladies, I guess I’m a puppy that needs a lot of training, so feel free to give any advice, critique and info you want, I’ll take it. Gladly!

Thanks very much again, and please do reply if you think your advice could be useful! I truthfully appreciate any input.

Take care and thanks again,

manu

[Kyeema]

Hey Manu!

Well, that was a long post *ggg*...

I think, you are a very honest, committed young man, but you're putting way to much pressure on yourself at the moment!

You've got a lot of constructions sites going on in your life, home, sexuality, profession, relationship... you must be absolutely overwhelmed, I fell, one of them would be plenty, wouldn't it?

Your ex:
Well, perhaps you really did not love her as much as she loved you? You write yourself "you let it happen", did you ever really fall in love with her? If I get it right you came to love her when you got to know her but where were the sparks? Don't get me wrong, this is a beautiful way to start loving someone, but perhaps, deep inside, you yourself always missed that little "extra" if you understand what I mean. You don't seem to me like someone you is not able to show somebody else his love. On the contrary I'm sure you do this excellently, if you really love somebody, with all the flowers, pralines and the right words. Could it perhaps be that, in reality, your committment is so strong, your fear of hurting somebody else so big, that you would have never ever even admitted to yourself that you perhaps might not love her as much as you wished to love her? Perhaps I'm completely wrong but this was the first thought that crossed my mind when I read your post.
And you did what you could, probably even more, so do not beat yourself up about that! You were, as you write, probably just not meant to be then, you were and still are in different places...


Your sexuality & relationships:
Give yourself time! Find out what you really want in a relationship... try being with man and being with women and no, you're not using them because there are other ones like you who also still explore and do not look for something solid. Just be honest with the person you're with and especially be honest with yourself. You define the terms that make you happy in a relationship, not society, not your ex, only you can find out what you really want... perhaps art really ist our passion and a casual relationship ist completely enough for you, perhaps not. Only you can find out. And I am sure that bisexual people can have fulfilling relationships as well - with the suitable partner of course! But isn't that the same für hetero and homosexuals?
I'm sure you'll make a wonderful partner as soon as you have found out what kind of relationship you really want!

Your career:
Imagine you were 60 and looked back onto your life. Would you rather have been an artist with poor success or a very successful doctor? Would you regret not becoming an artist or not becoming a doctor more? You write that without artistic goals you lack in energy and drive in all areas of your life. Find out if singing as a side-job might be enough for you to keep you going... but on the other hand you write: "But I can’t help but feel that, even though following through with medicine would be the wise and rational and smart choice, I would never be truely happy.". Well, answer given, isn't it? And no this is not childish or stupid, this is your life, man! The only one you have and your most important goal must be to make yourself happy. None of your family or friends lives your life, only you do! I understand how hard this decision must be for you, security on the one hand side, passion on the other. And again it's only you who can decide. Perhaps a compromise would help? Like finishing the upcoming finals, so you have this one part done and then taking a leave of absence and going for your artistic career for a certain amount of time to see what happens? In case that fails then, it would probably be easier to go back and continue medicine, wouldn't it? Listen to your heart, this is the only life you have!

Your living situation:
If you don't feel comfortable where you live now, leave! It's your home and a home should always be a safe place where you can be as you are and completely relax instead of pretending and faking... again, it's your life and your friend will find someone else to live with, perhaps he even also feels slightly uncomfortable with the whole situation and you just don't know it? So, go and find a place where you can be yourself and make yourself at home!

Friendship:
Well, if this is what you want and you feel ready for it, why not? Can you cope with your ex's new boyfriend? Could you cope with her perhaps wanting to have you back? I mean, you don't really know which place she is in at the moment you haven't had contact for 10 months, have you? Perhaps she only wants a friendship, perhaps more, perhaps she doesn't want anything any more, not even being friends. Who knows?
And what are your intentions behind wanting this friendship? What do you expect from it?

Anyway, stop beating yourself up for everthing, you are NOT a failure in any way! You obviously are smart, understanding, caring, communicative, committed, loving, strong, intelligent and and and... and you have an exciting journey of self-discovery ahead of yourself! So go for it and enjoy each and every step of it!

Kyeema

[manu85]

Thank you so much for that reply, Kyeema, and for reading through all of that. I hate to admit I had to cry... you hit a lot of nails on the head.

About my ex: I guess it's true. If I'm really honest to myself, I never had the "sparks". She did. But because I loved her character so much, her tender love and care, her sociableness, quirckiness, being fun and different and likeable, being able to pour my heart out to her time and time again, I guess I ignored that. She, however, always felt that, and it caused her great pain. I did genuinely love her, and I think I even wasn't really aware of the fact that I was not as much IN love with her. But if I look back, I guess I wasn't. I felt guilty about that and ignored it.

I am always really hard on myself... I've never really been good at loving myself, actually, I've been pretty damn bad at that throughout my life. My gf always said she'd never met someone who loved himself so little. And the reason for still being so down 10 months after the break-up might indeed NOT be the fact that I'd still have too much feelings for my ex, but rather my lack of self-love and self-confidence and cluelessness as to how to improve myself and where to start.

You're also right that I should maybe relax a bit and take it one thing at the time... That's why I miss my ex gf so much. She really made me love myself more, gave me confidence in myself, she gave me so much love and care, she was really a 'healer' for me. I miss that so much and I appreciated that so much in her. She knew me like nobody ever has and I think she would genuinely want to help me find a solution to all my issues as a friend.

I do have to say that I would be jealous of her bf. But maybe, if I just trained myself to relax and let it go, I could probably put aside most of the jealousy. And after a while it might go away. I'll be honest and say that it's probably more of an ego thing than really still being hurt (although that will definitely also play a little role). I think it's a male instinct to consider every woman he ever had "his". I had a very strong sense she was my 'posession' sexually (I don't mean this in a bad boy-ish way, but I would immediately defend her whenever other men came too close to her and my liking, and she really liked me to see her as my posession, and of course I liked it too). Although I let go of that feeling, I'm not sure if that feeling is entirely gone. It's just natural for me to feel that way I guess. You never like the thought of being denied sex by someone who allowed you to and chose you to have sex with. Makes you feel rejected. But I guess I'll have to choose between my ego and a real friendship, and it seems stupid to waste a potentially great friendship because my ego is too big. So I guess maybe I should really consider a friendship.

Maybe I should send her a short facebook message along the lines of "How are you? Curious to know how you're doing, hope all is well". I've been thinking about that for about a month now... Maybe I should just live life and not be so scared of being hurt, because if I always listen to my fears, nothing's ever going to happen. After all, she is also in danger of being hurt when we'd become friends. Maybe I should just go ahead and do this.

Thank you again, Kyeema, thank you very much.

[Kyeema]

Hi Manu!

The thing with having a person around you who makes you love yourself more, who is your "healer", is tricky. It's nice to have a person like that around and for sure her company makes you feel good, but in the end this person can't and won't be around all the time. What happens if this person is gone, like she is now? Your self-love is gone too, because it was only triggered from the outside and you needed this constant "push" to keep it alive. You write it yourself: "And the reason for still being so down 10 months after the break-up might indeed NOT be the fact that I'd still have too much feelings for my ex, but rather my lack of self-love and self-confidence and cluelessness as to how to improve myself and where to start." and "She really made me love myself more".

Now you're on your own again and have to find out how to love yourself without someone pushing you from the outside. Read your posts again and read them as if someone else wrote them. What do you think of this person? You will find that this person is honest, courageous, open-minded, caring, lovable, highly intelligent, sophistacated, eloquent, self-reflective, sensitive and much more... and that this person definitely has a big heart! Admit it, you would like this person and if chemistry was right perhaps even fall for her/him! So why is it so hard for you to love yourself?

You know yourself better than enyone else knows you including your ex-gf. You just need the courage to be open with yourself. To do what you REALLY want no matter what other people say or think of you. Trust your guts, your instincts, your emotions, your heart. Even if some of the things might hurt somebody else (like: admitting to yourself you didn't love your ex-gf as much as or the way you wanted to and then being honest with her - didn't the truth come out anyway?) it's your life and you have a right to your own way of living it. You will never be able to make everybody around you happy. There will always be somebody that does not share your opinion or who ist offended/hurt/angry by what you say or do. But that shouldn't stop you from living your life the way you really want to! Have people around you always thought about how their life choices and decisions would affect you? Unfortunately we don't live in a world like that. We live in a world where we need to learn to put ourselves first.

I'm sure that as soon as you're really ready you will send this facebook message or take any other action that you feel is right. But again, even if it's only your ego, take your time! Yes, sometimes our fears prevent us from living our lives but sometimes they protect us from things we are not ready to face yet or from jumping from a bridge or touching a hot stove. Deep inside you know exactly what to do... just listen!

You're making yourself so small, it's a pity. You have so much to offer to the world, yes, just start living life, make it happen, let it happen! And trust yourself, you know all the answers, you can even find them between the lines you wrote...

Go for it ALL!
Kyeema

PS. btw you are everything BUT clueless as to how to improve yourself and where to start!

[Soreloser]

If you want to get over someone, play some WoW. Not only is it good times, but the mere knowledge that nobody would want to stay with you while you play that game makes you feel... a little more self-sufficient and accepting.

[pisces25]

If you want to get over someone, play some WoW. Not only is it good times, but the mere knowledge that nobody would want to stay with you while you play that game makes you feel... a little more self-sufficient and accepting.

Yep so just live a long lonely life with your computer, masterbating between raids.

[Kyeema]

Just read your post in "Write the reasons why you're better off without your ex"... I feel a little "spark of life" behind your words... glad to see that... seems like you're doing pretty well and moving on with your life...

Anything new about your living situation or career?

Big hug
Kyeema

PS. I'm sure the woman to madly fall in love with is already waiting right around the corner

[manu85]

Hey Kyeema,

Thanks for your nice post and comment. I do feel some sparks of life :-).

I have a few updates actually, about my ex (I bumped into her this weekend!), some new 'love interests' and about my living situation:

I talked with my housemate about my problems opening up to him and just being myself because of his friendship with my ex, although I encouraged him to stay friends with her. I also told him that I felt a bit pressured to become friends with my ex, because he told me that "maybe you two should discuss some things, because you broke up without much communication." It felt like he really wanted us to be friends, and I know the situation is pretty difficult for him, always having to take two opposite parties into account. He told me he would really like to work things out between us, he wants to make me feel at home and feel relaxed, be myself, he doesn't care if I want to be friends with my ex or not and he wants to have a good friendship between us, and remove the tension. I also acknowledged that probably, a big part of it was in my head. I associate him with my ex because he was one of the mutual friends I started to avoid after the break-up (he hung out with her quite a lot). But he is not inviting her anymore. I need to stay a bit longer in the house and start to see him as a friend, and lose the association with my ex. I really want to make things work out between us. I also proposed him to follow a simple rule: he shouldn't talk to me about my ex anymore, and he shouldn't talk to my ex about me anymore. That way I feel "safe" and can open up to him without fear of things sipping through to my ex and feeling socially controled. He immediately agreed. The conversation was a huge relief!

About my ex: so as I said, I actually bumped into her at a party this past Saturday! It had been 7 months since we had spoken and 10 months of very low contact. I had no idea she would be there, although it did cross my mind beforehand for a second. I saw her and felt quite relaxed, not the feelings I had the months after the B-U. But still, there was a bit of nervoussness and a bit of fear of bumping into her. I decided to not go to her, unless I would somehow be dancing so close that it would be really awkward to ignore her. Or if I would bump into her accidentily, I decided to just nicely say hi.

I had quite some fun with my friends and honestly she wasn't that much on my mind. I went to order some drinks for friends, and suddenly I felt someone ticking my back. I turned around and she must have noticed my slightly surprised face. She said: "Hi, how are you?". She looked really shy, bending her head down a bit while looking up to me (she normally isn't very shy!). Big smile all over her face, big eyes. I kept my cool and said "I'm all right. How about you?" She looked away and started hugging herself with both arms "I'm all right. Basic all right. Just basic."
I heard she just broke up with a 1,5 month boyfriend last week. So I didn't ask any further, wanted to give her the space to choose whether to elaborate on that or not. I guess I kind of nodded, not saying too much. Then she said: "It does me really good to see you". I didn't quite expect that and just smilishly grinned a bit, pulling an eyebrow up (it was a bit weird for her to say that, no?). I noticed that I felt that she came a bit too close with that remark, and I got a little bit uncomfortable. I guess I said something along the lines of "well, I guess thank you" just to say something positive but neutral. I looked at the line (I was losing my place in line to order my drinks), I guess as a way out to the conversation?
She must have noticed me feeling a bit awkward, and she said: "No problem, go get your drinks. Take good care of yourself! And I mean REALLY good." with an intense, almost worried, expression in her big eyes and a smile. I smiled and said "Thanks, I will. You too." We smiled as I turned around and she went away.

I guess she might still have feelings for me, and I noticed that afterwards, these past two days, I've been having a little setback too. At the moment of the conversation I did feel quite relaxed however, it was mixed still but it was also like talking to an old really great friend. Thinking of it, I really do think we can't make each other happy. We are too different, our future goals are too different, I can't give her what she wants and especially not as soon as she wants it and I'm noticing I'm enjoying my freedom, nurturing myself, breathing new influences, growing, learning, accepting, enriching myself. I decided that, if she contacts me again, I will kindly refuse until I'm 100% over her and 100% healed. I do admit after our meeting I had old memories of us together surfacing up again, I also admit I had to suppress some sexual fantasies. But it's good to know that I'm heading in the right direction.

Then, on another note, God, I feel embarrassed writing this, you will probably not expect this :-p but two female friends (they live in another city so they're not very close) of me asked me if I want to have a threesome with them!!? Very very weird, I didn't believe them at first, as one of these girls is really pretty and very shy, and sensitive and just doesn't seem to be the type to do this at all. I have no experience with this, but it's a great confidence booster, I feel really attractive again after feeling ugly for months and months :-). It's good to know I don't need my ex anymore to confirm that for me. I'm not sure if it's a good idea, but maybe it doesn't hurt to enjoy being single and experiment a bit? :-p However, there's no way I want to end up having only loose sexual relationships in the long-term. I want to be able to commit to someone.

Right now, my biggest problem seems my career and especially motivation issues/feelings of guilt. I can't seem to find any motivation to work for my thesis this month. I have troubles with self-esteem regarding to being a doctor. It's almost like feeling guilty towards my professors for not wanting this as much, guilty towards my collegue students for not wanting this career as much as they do. And especially feeling guilty for not having done anything up to now for my thesis and that's only making things worse. These are also times I miss my ex, when she would say how much I'm capable of and spur me on. There is coming a difference however. I am slowly realizing that I have to do this for ME, that my work is important, that I can't just let everything go down the drain. I just somehow feel very nervous about getting to work, I feel I can only do wrong and it'll not be good enough. I just need to start and give it my best shot, because otherwise my chance will be lost (I get an evaluation about my work this month at the end of the month). So yes, that is really bad. I'm also thinking, as I probably have my clinical exam in 4-5 months, it's probably better to focus on medicine and not think about singing or other career options for a while. As soon as I'll have done my exam, I can start thinking about combining/other options. Right now I just need to find my self worth back, my dignity, my pride concerning work and finding it important. I used to care so much about school and recently I've become the opposite. Well, back to work ;-)

Thanks again, Kyeema, for your reply! Hope you're doing well? Any other replies are of course welcome.

Manu

[Kyeema]

Good news all over! I like that!

You sound great and you can be very proud of yourself... taking your life into your hands, that's amazing! Well, now I also know why you were handed so many "construction sites" - simply because you can handle them and you're growing with them incredibly fast!

Still, with your housemate, I'd just like to ask you to listen carefully to yourself how things work out in the following days... it's so nice of you that you want this to work, but remember it's no must - you always have the right to leave if it somehow unexpectedly doesn't work out after all. Keep that freedom for you, will you!

I like the way you observe your reaction to your ex and then act accordingly. You finally take yourself and your feelings seriously and there is no better way to heal than doing so... just go on, you don't need her, you never did! You also don't need her nor somebody else to boost your self-esteem, look at yourself, it's all there! It's just time you started acknowledging it!

I agree, I also think it's a good idea to finish (or at least try finishing) your exam and then think about how you'd like to go on. I fear if you stopped now you could later perhaps regret not finishing this part of your studies. On the other hand, you've been under a lot of stress and pressure lately, so it's only normal that working for your exams is not really the easiest thing to do, especially as you're not even sure whether medicine is it for you or not.

Your fear of not being good enough is a common one (welcome to the club *argh*), but also deep inside you know it's stupid. You've made it so far in your studies and you wouldn't have if you were not good enough for what you're doing. It also would be sad if - in reality - this fear of not being good enough is the underlying reason for why you're not sure if you really want to become a doctor. Fears like this come in many disguises. So, go on, jump right into your paper, give it your best shot and see what happens... perhaps you'll even be surprised when you find out how much you actually love doing it once you're started!

You can do it!

Big hug
Kyeema

PS. About the threesome ;o)... well, if you always wondered what it would be like then this might be the right time for you to try it, because my inner voice tells me that soon you'll meet someone special again...

[manu85]

Thanks again Kyeema. You give so much with your posts.

I know I have to watch out for the housemate situation. But I feel like I'm getting stronger and stronger, and he's really respectful of me. I think our chances are good to make it work, but you're right, I shouldn't ignore my own feelings if I would notice me having difficulties again. It's so unfair that she can live somewhere and choose to surround herself with people who have no link whatsoever with me. Well, anyway, I don't want to dwell on it. I'm feeling better.

You are right that I first need to focus on finishing medicine and being positive about my thesis. So, uhm, I have to admit I did something bad today, lol . I auditioned for "The Voice"! It's a sort of X-factor show for singing talent, but it's actually to be taken a lot more seriously because people are only judged on the quality of their voice and not their looks. You can see the audition of the eventual winner of "The Voice of Holland 2010" here if you'd like: [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0ng-9AjOuQ]‪(tattoo) ben saunders Voice of holland auditie‬‏ - YouTube[/url].

These sort of singing contests are usually nothing for me (at all! Lol :-)), I'm not the flashy personality type at all and I actually don't really like to be in the picture either, but I just LOVE to sing, and I wanted to give it a try and see if they'd allow me to the next round, because that would prove my voice is really good, as it's a very strict jury. I also wanted to have some more experience of performing, esp. in front of a jury. Whatever the outcome, it's an experience I can use, I was thinking.

So it went pretty well but not great: in the e-mail invitation they told to prepare 30 seconds of singing material. I went on to sing my song ("At last" by Etta James)for more than a minute! (I was surprised and they must have noticed midway through the song, I was really really nervous lol). But then, they asked me if I could sing an uptempo song (that's a good sign, right, that they wanted to hear more of me?) and I totally didn't expect that. So I sang the song I sang one year ago on my singing exam of 2010 ("Lullaby of birdland", you can see Ella Fitzgerald's version on youtube if you'd like, lol, I know, I sang two women's songs! Feeling embarrassed haha). But I hadn't practiced it for over a year, so it was definitely not nearly as good as it could have been. Well, anyway, I'm afraid I didn't pass to the next round, but I'll know more on Monday. And if I fail, I think I have a pretty good idea of the reason (not being prepared enough, not relaxing my voice enough, and probably some more need of pracitice and learning ;-)).

I know that I have my big exam coming up, so this is bad timing to participate in a show like this, but I'll have a bit more of experience, and if they do allow me to the next round (I'm not counting on it though), that would give me a major boost concerning my potential. But we'll see that next year.

Anyway, a day lost (again!) for my thesis of course. I'll be working on it this evening.

This way, I don't even have much time left to think about my ex, lol :-p

How are you, Kyeema? Talk to you soon!

Greets,


Manu

[Kyeema]

Hey Manu!

That's great news... you can be very proud of yourself that you had the courage to go to an audition like that! And nobody said you have to study exclusively...

You're finally taking the steps which are important to you... and you see, you don't need your ex at all! When was the last time that you did so many good things for yourself? You're moving on (and up *ggg*), big time!

Sorry that this is so short, I'm not feeling well today, not because of my ex actually, but because I got a cold, a fever and my whole body is hurting... I fear I got the summer flu *argh*

Love
Kyeema

PS. Yes, I also think it was a good sign and they wanted to hear more from you... I keep my fingers crossed for you... don't forget to post the results here on Monday!

[Kyeema]

How's your studying going?

Sending you all the discipline you need to stick with it!

Big hug,
Kyeema

[Kyeema]

Hey Manu,

so, now do we have a famous pop star here now or not *ggg*? Have you gotten the results from your audition yet?

How are you doing?

Big hug
Kyeema