is this odd?

[songman13]

okay, first let me start by saying i will be turning 30 in a couple weeks and i am still a virgin.

i am an average looking man, so i'm told. I'm just rather shy at first and am "Too Nice" I haven't really even had any girls that are friends since high school other than my friends wives.

Anyway, to the point, i met this amazing, beautiful girl 3 months ago and we have become really close. We talk just about every day, hang out 2 or 3 times a week, and we have a lot in common, but we are not in the least romantically involved. I am attracted to her and i love spending time with her and i wouldn't mind being more, but i don't have strong feelings for her. And she has made implications that she doesn't have feelings for me either although she does occasionally throw off mixed signals.

My queston is: is it weird for me to be perfectly fine with the way things are. Just spending time with her and everything is enough for me. Is it because i am a virgin and i haven't been close to any girls for a long time that just the emotional connection is enough for me?

Oh, and we've talked about becoming roommates too, for conveniency purposes. Would that be strange?

Just curious on opinions.

[MerryH]

I'd imagine it could get strange if she starts dating someone else. And I'd imagine that your feelings for her would eventually get stronger. Why wouldn't they. But I guess it's not weird to continue a friendship with someone you only kind of like, as long as your heart isn't getting broken every time you're reminded that you can't be with her.

But, it really seems like you do want to date her. Why not give it a try?

[songman13]

Like i said, i wouldn't mind being more, but i really don't wanna mess up what we have, unless i know it's something we both want, i think it's too risky.

[TheDanish]

Songman, I know you are quite a bit older then me, so please don't take this the wrong way. You sound just like me when I was 16-17. Naturally there are many more things in play here, then there was for me back then, but what I hear you saying is:

I actually really like this girl, but I'm afraid that if I make a move on her, because if she rejects me I will be heartbroken, and most like also lose the friendship we have.

My answer is: You HAVE to go for it, even if you think you know that she will turn you down. The reason is, that the only way you are gonna lose here, is if you keep pretending that your friendship with her is enough. Like MerryH said, once she gets in a relationship with another guy, theres only two things that can happen.

One: you will see her less or maybe stop saying her altogether, because she will be spending the time she is spending on you now, on her boyfriend. Not only will this feel TEN TIMES worse then getting rejected, but it will keep you there for a LOOONG time, because you will be hoping she will come back, after all you two were such good friends.

Two: You will still see her a lot, and you will hear all the details of how happy HE is making her, not you. It will not only drive you mad, but it will also make you act like a total loon sooner or later, and then lose her that way.

You my friend suffer from being a comfort freak. As guys, or humans in general, this won't work. Girls want a guy who take charge, who lead, who makes decisions, and who is willing to take a risk when its necessary. The first step to actually doing these things, is to show her how you feel. It shows you have the manhood to stand by your feelings, and that you are comfortable with it.

Now obviously this means you should show it through body language, actions, and when the timing is right, a move. If you sit her down, stemmer like a dork, and tell her she means a lot to you, she might not laugh at you, or throw you out, she might not even consciously want to do thus things. But subconsciously thats what she will be feeling. To be honest I would really refer you here. I hate refering people to products, and I don't know if its against any forum rules or not but.. Attain David Deangelo's Double your Dating/Deep Inner Game. Get it on DVD's. Watch these, take notes, do NOTHING else when you watch them. You will thank me down the line.

[devonbrown]

There is nothing wrong with being friends with someone, so I don't see the issue in you continuing to be friends with this woman. The thing is, don't let it keep you from possibly pursuing other romantic interests. If this woman doesn't like you romantically, maybe she can set you up with someone she knows? I agree with MerryH where you should think about how you will feel as she dates other guys. Because that could get really awkward and rough for you.

Good luck.

[bulrush]

Songman,
I kind of agree with TheDanish. You can't be scared of rejection because people, especially men, get rejected a lot, for various reasons. My advice: if you are ready for more, go for a dating relationship. But we cannot decide for you. Yes, if you date her and it doesn't work out, you can still be friends, or not. It's a risk we all take. I'm still friends with 2 of my ex girlfriends. One I write once every few months. We're not close friends, but more like casual friends. Of course, we ended our dating on a good note.

I am attracted to her and i love spending time with her and i wouldn't mind being more, but i don't have strong feelings for her.

This is confusing. How can you feel close to her but...Do you feel a little close but not really close to her?

[songman13]

okay, so to give a little more insight, we are songwriters. So, there is more to lose than just friendship. And i think that's why we've become close, we connect on a different level. But we don't just write songs all the time when we are together. we go to the movies, concerts, just hang out and talk and whatever. We both have this dream of moving to nashville, that's why we are thinking about becoming roommates and pursuing it together.

i guess the thing is, is i've been single for so long and i want to find someone to be with, but at the same time, just hanging out with her kinda fills that void. i just feel like i should want more because she's awesome and i don't know if it's fear of losing her or just being content with the way it is, that i've shut off how i should feel. I know it sounds strange.

[TheDanish]

okay, so to give a little more insight, we are songwriters. So, there is more to lose than just friendship. And i think that's why we've become close, we connect on a different level. But we don't just write songs all the time when we are together. we go to the movies, concerts, just hang out and talk and whatever. We both have this dream of moving to nashville, that's why we are thinking about becoming roommates and pursuing it together.

i guess the thing is, is i've been single for so long and i want to find someone to be with, but at the same time, just hanging out with her kinda fills that void. i just feel like i should want more because she's awesome and i don't know if it's fear of losing her or just being content with the way it is, that i've shut off how i should feel. I know it sounds strange.

It doesn't sound strange at all. But I have to stick with what I said. All i hear are vague reason why you just want to friends, but somehow not. If you only wanted to be friends, you wouldn't be conflicted. You might not be sure you want to be more, but you will never know unless you take it there.

However, and excuse me, it doesn't sound to me like you have the tool socially to actually follow through on this. I would really recommend you study the area, and as I said, David Deangelo's seminars really helped me. I use to be just where you are, emotionally anyway. Please, give it a go, if not that, then ANYTHING. Read psychology, animal behavior, anything that can give you insight. If you are like me, you simply need to understand how things really work. Once you do, you will be a beast.

It hurts me to heard you keep going on in this vague tune, because I have been there, and I know the void you are talking about. But the thing is, the void isn't the woman you are missing. Its the inner man, its the man in you that you never got to know, the man who leads you through your social experiences with women (vague metaphor, I hope you can follow me here). Its the boy in you that never died, and thus allowed the man in you to fly.

I know that you probably won't hear me, either thinking I'm wrong, or that your afraid of it, or you just can't be assed to do it. But I will make this last attempt to help you. Please study this area. It will be a long road, but if you don't, you will have that void feeling (and you might think she feels, but thats only because you haven't experienced it all gone yet) for the rest of your days, and you will fear death, and you will mourn your own death, just wishing you could do it all over again, and just take thus chances, and do thus things. Because by then, thus risks will seem trivial.

You will NEVER get a second chance, and to be honest, you are 30. Your one chance is soon up. Get giving, learn to life, and get the full experience that life has to offer.