He's the workaholic but I'm the breadwinner

[lucid]

I live with my boyfriend of several years and our two dogs. I work full-time and make pretty good money, especially for our needs.

He is a part-time student (graduating in a few months), volunteer firefighter (pulls shifts at a station 50+ hours a month), and has two part-time jobs. One of these jobs may benefit his future career plans, but both of them pay poorly and have hours opposite of mine. He has a very hard time saying no to people. The only real reason he works one of them is because a self-employed friend asked for his help, and he always ends up picking up shifts that he doesn't want or need at the other one because people know when they want a day off or have a scheduling conflict, he will almost never say no.

His goal is to become a career firefighter which is a very competitive field. At any given time he is in 2-3+ hiring processes with various fire departments all over the state, each with their own lengthy processes that often involve multiple written and physical tests, interviews, even polygraphs.

If you do the math he makes about $3-4 an hour if you combine his volunteer work with paid employment. Most of that ends up being spent on gas anyways because these places are not very close.

I have expressed my displeasure with never seeing him for no good reason several times. He swings between apologizing and promising to make efforts to spend more time with me, and justifying it by saying we need more cash. We've been tight occasionally, but have no debt and this argument drives me nuts when I've gone without new clothes or a new bra in over a year and went 9 months without a haircut to save money, but he buys unnecessary toys like bb guns and splurges on food like ridiculously expensive organic trail mix.

When we actually do spend time together, we have a great time. We have shared interests. I'm at a loss as to what to do anymore.This is all compounded by the fact that I've recently started having a medical problem (no... we don't need money for that nor does it threaten my job) that causes chronic pain. I don't get out and about as much, so many days after work I come home, sit on the couch in pain, wait for hours for him to come home, eventually give up and go to bed alone in tears.

[vashti]

If his volunteer jobs will make it easier for him to get in to a department, I think you should back off. He is *supposed* to be trying to develop a career, and you shouldn't be trying to hold him back. He can't do anything about your pain, anyway, and he isn't your nurse.

If you are unhappy with the amount of time he has for you, then maybe you should consider a timeline, such as "I am willing to tolerate this for 2 years while he invests 100% of his effort into getting his dream job, and then he either has to get a regular job with regular hours, or I am leaving."

Your income is really irrelevant, IMO. Just because you make more doesn't mean you own him.

[IncognitoSir]

If his volunteer jobs will make it easier for him to get in to a department, I think you should back off. He is *supposed* to be trying to develop a career, and you shouldn't be trying to hold him back. He can't do anything about your pain, anyway, and he isn't your nurse.

If you are unhappy with the amount of time he has for you, then maybe you should consider a timeline, such as "I am willing to tolerate this for 2 years while he invests 100% of his effort into getting his dream job, and then he either has to get a regular job with regular hours, or I am leaving."

Your income is really irrelevant, IMO. Just because you make more doesn't mean you own him.

I'm really surprised by your response to this vashti. Bottom line, if it's bothering you this much maybe he's not the guy for you. I mean, he's in school and he is developing his career after all. Being a firefighter is like being a policeman. These guys are considered "heroes". A person who would run into a burning building to save a complete stranger......very special and unique people to say the least. As a firefighter, he's probably always gonna have a crazy schedule. Are you ready for that down the line as well? This is his dream! You're trying to make him choose between career happiness and his gf. Not fair.

[vashti]

I'm really surprised by your response to this vashti. .

Why? Did my response seem unreasonable?

[KingZ]

Why? Did my response seem unreasonable?

No, you just have a habit of siding with emotion over logic, particularly when it comes to a woman's whining.

[Cerby]

If you're not happy you obviously have ever right to address the situation. That said he is chasing his dream and you have no right to take that from him either. You might be able to convince him to give up his useless part time job, but he might feel that he is doing that to contribute to the two of you and your living situation.

This is tough, you both could be right depending on how you bring it up. But I think if you ty to kill his dream he might be the one who decides to leave you instead.

[vashti]

No, you just have a habit of siding with emotion over logic, particularly when it comes to a woman's whining.

Liar. I'd be offended if that weren't so obviously ridiculous.

[KingZ]

Liar. I'd be offended if that weren't so obviously ridiculous.

Just look at the Israel-Palestine issue. You're completely incapable of not using logical fallacies. All you do is "BAWWWWW" and then wonder why nobody takes you seriously.

[vashti]

Just look at the Israel-Palestine issue. You're completely incapable of not using logical fallacies. All you do is "BAWWWWW" and then wonder why nobody takes you seriously.

And yet, you keep coming back to discuss it with me time and time again.

You are a bad liar.

[KingZ]

And yet, you keep coming back to discuss it with me time and time again.

You are a bad liar.

Your irrationality amuses the shit out of me.

Anyway, lucid, for what it's worth, you're absolutely entitled to a good relationship. You should let him know the damage he's causing you with his behavior. Give him an ultimatum.

[Mathias]

Giving him an ultimatum is ridiculous. If he caves, you'll be controlling him, and that's far from fair.

If you want out, get out. Don't be that chick though.

[IndiReloaded]

Giving him an ultimatum is ridiculous.

No its not. He'll dump her or suck it up until he gets his fireman job and THEN dump her.

[Mathias]

No its not. He'll dump her or suck it up until he gets his fireman job and THEN dump her.

You don't think "Do this or I break up with you" isn't just forcing him to do something he'll resent her for later?

Talking about it like adults seems like the better solution. If he ends up being not right for her, she can leave then. An ultimatum seems like a temporary fix for what's obviously a long-term problem.

[hello1]

Ok I find it very hatd to believe that your boyfriend works 50 hours at the firestation, has two part time jobs and is a part time student. Sorry but it is just not possible at all. Even if it was, he have no time for you or anyone and he certainly have no time to pass his part time course he is doing

[IndiReloaded]

Ok I find it very hatd to believe that your boyfriend works 50 hours at the firestation, has two part time jobs and is a part time student. Sorry but it is just not possible at all. Even if it was, he have no time for you or anyone and he certainly have no time to pass his part time course he is doing

God, you really ARE stupid. She said 50 hours A MONTH. That's one volunteer shift a week.