Social issues...

[im_in_love]

I've been dealing with social problems for most of my life. I used to be outgoing with a great personality and good sense of humor when I was in Junior High and part of highschool. Then somehow, and I don't really remember when or why, I changed. I started not talking to anyone I didn't know, I started preferring to be alone, and eventually it turned into almost a fear of having to have an awkward interaction with someone. I never used to be awkward. I was actually very good at making new friends and making people laugh. Ive had the classic symptoms of bi-polar disorder nearly all my life, never been diagnosed though. This caused me to lose some of my friends due to my inability to control my moods/anger. They didn't understand why I was the way I was and just didn't want to deal with it I assume. Now, and I think it's because of that, I'm almost afraid to say anything to someone I don't know in fear that they won't think I'm funny or won't understand me. I feel like I have no personality anymore. I've recently started studying the way people talk and interact and I notice everyone has a type of personality to the way they speak. I don't have anything like that. I'm very awkward, often repeat the same words and phrases, and give short answers only when spoken to. I rarely prompt conversation or ask questions to get people to talk more: that is because I'm afraid of seeming nosey, it's not that I don't care about their personal lives. I feel like when I talk, I have an awkward flow to my speech, not a fluid consistent speech that most people have.

I'm currently in my mid-twenties and don't talk to very many people and avoid it if I can. Obviously I feel comfortable at home and around my family (everyone does) and my family all tells me that I have a great personality and I need to get out there more. They've even mentioned getting into comedy multiple times. I have a very sarcastic, quick witted humor that I don't let come out very often. It's like I have a wall that I can't get through when I'm around people I don't know very well. I'll make little comments very very rarely, but if someone ignores me or reacts adversely to something I say, that completely shuts me off. I start feeling like I'm some freak and am just too awkward for anyone to want to talk to.

I'm guessing my problem is that I live in my head too much. I don't ever say what I'm thinking, and I'm not too big on eye contact. I know a big reason why people don't really come up to me is because I am so quiet, they probably think I'm stuck up or something. I try to smile as much as I can, but I'm just too far stuck into my head to notice things like that. I've been told multiple times that my body language is very negative and off-putting.

I watch other people around me and how they talk to people and joke with them, and it seems so easy. I can tell they genuinely don't care what people think of them and that they focus on things other than themselves all the time. I'm the opposite. I'm much more aware of myself and how awkward I am, mainly when another person is around. If someone's standing near me, I get so awkward and don't know how to move, and I'll just stop whatever I'm doing because I'm so uncomfortable.

Sorry this is so long, but I guess what I'm getting at is, does anyone have any advice for this or anyone experience this? I know a lot of people will think "well who cares what other people think of you?" but I can't get that through my head. Most of the people I'm awkward around are people I'll have to see and be around everyday.

[r4mbo]

I can relate to almost all that you have said there and I know how you feel.
Here's a little about me so you can see how I can relate to it. I'm also in my mid 20's

With myself I was always a fairly quiet shy kid but not extreme. I too had a good mixture of friends and didn't have a problem making them. For some reason when I got to the age of about 16 things seemed to go down hill.
I have quite a silly personality in a sense that silly/goofy stuff makes me laugh. I'm also quite sarcastic but not in a nasty way but it's just one way I like to joke with people. I get on well with people who do silly immature random stuff like some of my friends and someone I work with. It's definitely not a bad personality and I know I just like to have a bit of fun. The problem is I don't show that side of me to many people. When I'm with my family and close friends we will joke about silly stuff and have a laugh. Occasionally even with them though I will keep myself to myself and not always have much to say. For some reason if I'm with a group of friends but with some other people that I don't know too, I find myself holding back. If I think of something funny to say I won't say it and then miss the opportunity. Same applies to a general conversation. I might for example have a valid point to make but for some reason something in my mind makes me not say it because I think I will look silly. This can affect me at work as often I won't always put my point across. It's not all the time as sometimes I will but mostly. Also where I work I might meet someone and have to help them out and they might just start making general conversation with me.
I find it pretty difficult to do that unless I actually know the person. I often give short answers to things and if I'm having to explain something to someone I will be analysing every word I'm saying before saying it but that can effect the fluidity of the conversation. I want to be able to just switch off and talk how I talk to my family. It's like I have it in my head that people are judging me as I'm talking and the only ones who don't are family and friends.

When dating a girl she would seem to think of stuff to talk about and make conversation to which I would join in but sometimes I would find it very hard to think of something to say. If I started to say something and got a bit of a odd reaction like she isn't interested it makes it worse as not only would I stop talking about that particular thing but then I would feel awkward saying anything else.

I also am very aware of my body language. When I sit watching TV or something I will be relaxed but I know that perhaps how I sit I might look a bit stiff and awkward. This gets worse when with a girl for example. Sat in a bar on a couch having a drink. I feel perfectly comfy but I can see that people look at me like I need to loosen up. I noticed the girl looking at my hands or how I won't just seem to relax. (in my mind I am relaxed though although I can see that they are analysing me) If I'm sitting quietly, I could very well be enjoying myself but for some reason people will think I'm bored and say "are you ok?" I tend to live a lot in my own head as well. I might not always join in a conversation but I will take all in what's being said around me.

What I would say did some good for me was the dating aspect. As I'm aware of the body language I was giving off I started to study what the girl was doing. Like when joking with me she would touch my arm for example, I didn't quite know how to react so would just laugh and I actually found it in me to do it to her.Whether it came across as slightly forced I don't know but as I joked with her I would just briefly touch and and lean towards her. Also I looked at how she would sit with her leg towards me so I started to sit more sideways to be facing and eventually it meant our legs would be touching. I'm not someone who is that comfortable with being extremely close to someone but having her to cuddle and kiss I started to feel much more comfortable after a few times seeing her. On the first dates when I sat next to her, I knew I should put my arm around her but something in my mind prevented me. Once I beat that thought in my mind and actually did it, it felt wonderful and I never hesitated again. Another thing I found as well was that I could get eye contact with her and keep it when talking to her. That's something I didn't think I could do but I made an effort to do it and then it just seemed to come more natural. One of the reasons why the dating was possibly short lived was because the girl never really got to see my true personality. Had I have been giving a little more time I would have opened up more, I guess first impressions count and being so closed off meant that even though I had improved vastly she couldn't quite figure it out. In fact I was told that I was really hard to read.

It's a real shame my dating was short lived but in that time I knew I had improved so much and my confidence had really been boosted. I believe it was exactly what I needed to bring me out of my shell. The fact that we would be going out to more places, later on I would have met her friends and been forced to interact with people I don't know whilst remaining confident with the girl and being able to openly show my feelings to her in public would have worked wonders. Problem now is if I don't start doing something soon again I will go back to just sitting at home and not really doing much and keeping to myself. Another thing that I think would do me some good (and probably you? ) with interacting with people would be to find something I enjoy like a hobby or activity and go somewhere to do it where I would meet new people. The only down side of that is I would be having to go on my own as I probably wouldn't be able to drag a friend along. It would be very daunting and I would probably look a bit awkward but those worries would have to be put aside if I'm going to improve myself.

I hope this little insight into me helps you some way. It's funny because in my mind I know that I have the confidence and drive in myself to make a change. It's all psychological at the end of the day.
It's easier said than done to make the change though. I think you just have to be thrown in the deep in like I was with the girl I dated. She was so full on and I was certainly not used to that but it did me some good for that exact reason. I was forced out of my comfort zone and once I got used to it I knew I liked it. Another example is if you had to work in a shop type environment where you deal with hundreds of customers it would do some good. We need to push ourselves out of our protective bubble and stop caring what other people think of us or the things we say. Once you believe in yourself the outer shell that other people see will be much easier for them to read then those people will show more positive vibes for you to feed off and feel even better in yourself.

[im_in_love]

Wow, everything you said, I've experienced. Even the part about dating. I've only dated people like that for some reason, who have such a strong personality. That caused me to open up to them quite a bit, but still not as much as I would a friend I've known for years and years.

When I was writing the original post, I was struggling with how to word things, but you've worded them perfectly. This is exactly how I feel. Like I look silly or stupid if I say my opinion or try to make a joke. Even just a little side comment about something I feel awkward saying. I have trouble asking people things too. This is a huge problem as I'm training for a new job right now, and no matter how many times the people there tell me that they welcome my questions, I hesitate for minutes on end to ask them something in fear that I'm annoying them or that they'll think I'm stupid. And when I do ask and get an answer, I'll just say "OK" and go back to what I was doing, very awkwardly.

I know what you mean about being aware of body language helping read others. I feel I'm very good at this, and have always been able to tell when someone has feelings for me, or when they don't like me. It's just this irrational thought in my head that everyone will default to not liking me or think badly about me no matter what. With my dating, though, I was never the one to make the first move with anything. I was very much in my head all the time, and could not just speak my mind with the other person ever, or do what I wanted physically (meaning sitting a certain way, touching them lightly, etc) as I was always constantly aware of my body language and what I was doing.

[r4mbo]

Likewise with my dating I wasn't the one to make any moves. That is why in fact the girl I dated recently was the first girl I've ever dated. Seems crazy but I've never had the courage to approach anyone in the past and this time she actually approached me. I couldn't believe how lucky I was. I knew she really liked me but in the back of my mind I knew that if I didn't loosen up quick enough with her I would lose her and unfortunately that's what happened.

I'm more upset about it because I knew at the time I was getting so much more comfortable with her and like I say I was starting to make the moves when needed. One of the worst things was when I noticed her studying my body language. Hers was very positive but I could see she thought I was uncomfortable. I was always open about my shyness and insisted that once she saw me a few more times she would see the real me but she wasn't convinced. Basically I blew the perfect opportunity by being too shy and not doing the things that I knew I needed to do.

[im_in_love]

My relationships have ended for the same reasons. I wasn't necessarily too shy with them, we always had a lot to talk about and had fun with each other. I just couldn't open up as much as they did. I also wasn't as comfortable enough as I should have been. I was always afraid that if I did something they wouldn't like it or would think I was weird, when in fact it wouldn't have been weird at all. Normal things like holding their hand or touching legs I would be uncomfortable doing because of that. It's very irrational now that I look back on it, but when I'm in the situation I just can't help but question myself.

I'm very awkward with my personal space with people in general. I don't like being too close to someone, or accidentally touching them at all. It gets very noticeable just how uncomfortable and awkward I am when someone gets so close. I feel like an idiot.

I know what you mean, though, about finally getting to a level of comfort with someone and then they leave you because you don't open up enough. I've blown a lot of relationship opportunities because of this.