Lies...

[birdyword]

About 2 years ago, I told my Husband some lies about one of my former lovers. I told him lies about things my Ex did. VERY bad things. These things I have said affected the course of our marriage. I do not know what I was thinking when I said those things!

Now I want to come clean about this- it stays on my mind even today and I feel so bad. I have never lied about any thing else during our relationship of 5 years total.

I am afraid of my husband thinkeing I am lying to Protect my ex, or he may think I am lying about the things not happeneing (If that makes sense).

I think telling him could cause a lot of problems...our relathtionship is based largely on our honesty with each other. I know telling him I lied will cause a very large fight and I am scared he will not trust me any more. I know it will hut him greatly. I am so scared of telling him that I hve put it off for this long.

Please help, I need some advice! What should I do??

thanks birdyword x

[Superfantastich]

Why did you tell him about these fake "Bad things" anyway? Did it serve any purpose whatsoever?

[HeartIsAching]

I think we need more information.

What did you tell him? Why did you tell him? What did you hope to accomplish by telling him these things? Does your husband distrust you so much that you can't tell him the truth?

[birdyword]

I lied and I told him it was because of my Ex's Actions towards me that I felt frightend of inimacy. That wasn't the reason at all but when I told him those things it changed the way he looked at me. I am constantly scared of a family member bringing up my EX, just to have my Husband recount a horrible story that makes my family freak out- A story about something that never even hapenned.

[birdyword]

I said my EX sexually assaulted me. I told my husband I filed a report against my ex, and I said I didn t tell my family becasue I was scared. I expained my fear of intimacy with a lie. it was spur of the moment and I feel so horrible for it, even today.

[HeartIsAching]

Hooooo boy... you told him that your ex sexually assaulted you, and he didn't?! Yeah, I can see that causing problems.

Um.. ok. The only way out of this that I can see, is complete and total honesty. Tell him that you lied, to explain your fear of intimacy. Tell him the REAL REASON for your fear. Ask him first to hear you out and to try to understand. Talk about your feelings, not about him.

[birdyword]

The thing I'm afraid of is telling my husband that I lied, and him thinking I'm lying ABOUT lying!
He might think I'm lying because I "enjoyed" the sexual assualt, or seomthing like that.

How can I make him believe that I am sincere and telling the truth, afteer I've told him I lied about something so big?

[HeartIsAching]

No man in his right mind thinks a woman enjoys sexual assault. If he says something like that, ask him how he thinks he'd like being raped.

[birdyword]

That's a good point.
How can I expect him to trust me after I tell him this?
It will really hurt him.

[HeartIsAching]

Possibly you can present it as:

"I'm sorry I didn't trust you enough to tell you the truth the first time, I'd like to change that."

You WILL have to work on trusting each other for a long time after this.

[birdyword]

If he really loves me, I think he'll listen to my explanation and apoligy and at least tr to understand.

Thank you so much for your advice.

It will be hard, but I'll try my best to tell him as soon as posible.

[misombra]

______________________________