Can I trust him again???

[doublerainbow]

This guy and I are co-workers(both single, 40), same department, very well placed. He started giving me signals 5-6 months back, the affection in his eyes cannot be misinterpretted, he did everything possible( non-verbal, and (indirect verbal) to make me understand that he was interested in me. My guards were up initially (due to personal losses,I did not date/consider someone for past 9 years) but then I started liking him, too. Gradually, I developed feelings for him, got emotionally attached to him. He did see and acknowldge this change. We had not really dated, yet.
Then, the unexpected happened. He shut down completely on me, stopped talking to me, started ignoring me. I did try to ask but did not get a concrete answer. (During that period, twice I felt that he was making fun of me, while talking to his friends)I so wanted him back...things back to normal, but apparently he did not know what he wanted.I was obviously very hurt.Soon after this, he went out for a 2-month out-of-state assignmentI had used this period to heal from this shock...i kept reading posts at diiferent online forums and saw how much pain people go thru in such relationships where one of the partner is not sure about himself. Then I thanked my stars that at least it was not a relationship yet, otherwise even more emotions invested.

I went over(with myself ) the pros and cons
CONS: he is unpredictable, not sure about himself, AT WORK RELATIONSHIP IS USUALLY A DISASTER,all the stress definitely effected my work before(my company has no policy of dating coworkers) i am not even completely healed, and what if after a few days/months, he again acts the way he acted before.
PROS: He is the one I opened my heart to, after a decade, I REALLY like him..and I know that I HAVE almost turned back to being stone-hearted.

NOW THE MAIN REASON FOR THIS POST:
He came back 2days ago, called me, asked me to meet him,there was a lot of desperation, sincererity and urgency in his tone. We met and he apologized for the past behavior
His words seemed genuine,I wanted to believe him but was reluctant to! I listened to him patiently,did not give my input at that time.He asked what do u think about me now...I had nothing to say, he understood, probably.
I still really like him,but after the emotional turmoil I went thru these 2 months
I am finding hard to trust..

Guys please suggest what should I do??
Thanks so much!!

[Biene]

That's a difficult one to answer. I can read that you are afraid of getting hurt but that can happen in every relationship and if we don't try we will never know.

I think the bigger problem is that he is a work colleague and if it doesn't work out it could become a big issue for you as you would still have to see him.

Why do you not meet him but take it very slowly. Tell him about your concerns and don't get into it too quickly. Watch his behaviour over the next few weeks and see how he acts and reacts. If you think that he now knows what he wants then take the risk as without being willing to take a risk sometimes you won't be able to find what you are looking for.

[bulrush]

He is unsure about himself? His insecurity will affect almost everything, but it will affect his relationships with you the most. Do you really think he is the best match available? Now that I'm older, I have made a list of several critical items that my date must have, if they don't meet these criteria, the relationship is over. That means, I find out how the person is on the first or second date.

but then I started liking him, too. Gradually, I developed feelings for him, got emotionally attached to him. He did see and acknowldge this change. We had not really dated, yet.

PROS: He is the one I opened my heart to, after a decade, I REALLY like him

It looks to me like you are getting emotionally involved too early. You haven't even been on a date yet, even though you might think you know him.

I also want to say I understand, because I'm a little bit like this. If a person meets my minimum requirements, then I will sometimes just give my heart to them and really open up to them. This can cause me problems if I do it before I get to know more details about the person.

Issues my date needs to agree with
for a long-term committment to work

July 2011

The top 3 issues couples fight about are, in no particular order:
o Money
o Sex
o Kids

- Communication.
Communication must be clear. They must be able to talk about anything, including conflict resolution and sex. They should be honest about themselves. That does not mean I need to know about all their ex's. If I ask them if they have ever done drugs, they should be honest.

- Problem solving.
The person I date should be able to rationally look at a problem and possible solutions. They should be able to talk about them calmly like an adult, and come to a compromise. Both people may be get everything they want, but each person should get SOMETHING from the compromise.

- Sex.
Sex is important to me. No need to get into details on this forum.

- Money.
My date should have similar views about money as I do. This is one of the top 3 things couples fight about.

- Kids.
A couple should agree on how many kids to have, what religion to raise them under, and how to do discipline. Two different discipline styles can cause a lot of fights.

- Marriage.
Do you two want to get married, or live unmarried? With US divorce laws today, the man is at a severe disadvantage to get married, so many men really don't want that.

- Acceptance.
The person I date should like me for who I am, how I act, how I dress, the job I have, etc.



These issues are just what I need, as a bare minimum. Often I get my answers to these before the first date via lots of emails or chatting online.