What should I do? I cheated months ago. (Long Description)

[Anon.Girl]

My boyfriend and I got together over two years ago. We were really happy and willing to make things work. The one thing that has always hindered our relationship was the amount of trust in the relationship. My boyfriend feels that I am too gorgeous to be dating him and worries about other men constantly. And on my part, it was always how he could never commit the amount of effort I put into our relationship. I sacrificed my studies and friends so willingly to just be with him and make him happy. I forgot about myself.
Close to our one year anniversary being a couple, we were constantly fighting about different things, mostly petty, young relationship things (aka our problems mentioned above). I remember not being sure if being in this relationship was really what I wanted. At the party after a few drinks, I ended up cheating on him after a big fight during one of my house parties (we don't live together). I told him the next day, and he was a complete wreck. We decided to try to make things work and things got a little better. We still argued a lot for the next several months, about the same old things: him being so worried about me and other men.
One of my biggest problems with our relationship is that my room mates are my two close friends. They've seen everything go down and heard all of my relationship woes. They try to help, but I don't always follow their advice.
Five months after I had cheated, we got into another huge fight. At this point, I had still been putting everything to do with him first, and anything to do with me last. I had lost myself. I ended up depressed, and realized he was not reciprocating my love. I knew he loved me though, so I stayed. I found it hard to tell him I loved him anymore too. I ended up cheating on him once again after this blowout fight and many drinks and felt terrible. But told the guy that I didn't want to ruin my relationship and to leave as soon as possible. The next day, I ended things with my boyfriend and said that it wasn't permanent and told him that when he learns what he needs to do to make things work, we can fix things together. I couldn't muster the strength to tell him what i had done the other night, and figured it wasn't worth destroying his heart even more.
We ended up back together and things have been better since. Another five months have passed and we recently got into ANOTHER big fight, which was bad because it was a drunken fight at another one of my parties. I did not cheat on him, I'm completely done with that. I want to make things work with him. But now my room mates are really upset with us and can't seem to see how the hell we stay together. We have worked things out and things are only looking up after that big fall. I do love him after all of this, although I may not say it very much. We have both been damaged by the things that we've put upon each other, but one thing no one understands is the amount of real effort and communication we have behind closed doors in order to make us work. He knows everything I have to say about our relationship, and vice-versa. The only thing he doesn't know is this one painful detail.. Both situations were drunken one night stands. Anyway, my room mates aren't talking to me anymore. My one roomie just came up to me a few hours ago and told me she doesn't want to deal with us anymore and that I should tell him about the last time I cheated asap.. Even though we are just recuperating from our recent fight. After everything that my boyfriend and I have been through and fought for and all the positivity that came from it, the guilt from that one night has dissipated. Mostly..

I don't want to tell him because for every step forward that we make, something always brings us three steps back. This will be another one. I don't think he will end things, but I really don't want to injure his spirit anymore. I want us to keep moving forward. We have had several big fights, but we always stay together. After my episodes, I've realized he isn't worth losing and I finally got myself together enough to know that I don't want any other men in my life. My roommates were my close friends, but they don't support us anymore. We both want to make things between the two of us work. I can't see this ending our relationship because of how much we want things to work.. But I can definitely see it bringing us down a LOT.

I hope someone can give me some words of wisdom, or advice. I really don't know what to do. A part of me wants to tell him only to make my room mates see how serious I am about the relationship. But I shouldn't need to prove that to them, or care so much about what they think, since I myself know I'm serious about my relationship without having to tell him. I just want to let you know that I don't intend to end things, even though I'm aware that my relationship is rough. I simply want things to work because I know there's more to us than the fights and negativity. Like any relationship, we have a lot of great times too.

Please help.. Thanks so much.

[kageri]

This relationship is taking way too much effort. It shouldn't take that much communication behind closed doors to make up for fights all over the place and multiple cheating events. This is also a very unhealthy relationship that is ending all your contact and support from others and causing mental illness. There's a reason most relationships end after cheating. Most really should. It generally points out nicely that something is seriously wrong and usually will never work out right no matter how much talking and forgiveness everyone tries to do. Fights, cheating, drinking, depression, loss of friends... it's time to move on and find a relationship you can be more grownup in instead of devoting your life to what is probably going to keep unraveling until at least one of you hates the other enough not to care anymore.

[Anon.Girl]

Thanks for the input. I've already thought about this before, but I just feel that when you love someone, you will do whatever you can to make it work when times are hard. I have always felt that the grownup relationship is there, even though it may not be so evident yet. (And I will admit, I'm in my early 20s.) I know I'm there and that he's getting there and I know how committed he is through everything we've been through.
I may come off naive, and my decision to stay may be naive, (and trust me, I feel naive) but I know what I want and right now I just want to figure out what is the best decision to keep things rolling. When we get through all of our obstacles, I've always had a gut instinct that our love will thrive..

[IncognitoSir]

I don't understand why you're here. You've told us exactly how horrible this relationship is and then you tell us you're not going to break up with him? Yet you're seeking advice? You're basically telling us to help you feel better about your decision to not tell him the truth and that everything will work out in the end. He's clearly very insecure and you're a cheater. That's being honest. You're also a liar. You want to continue a relationship with a big fat lie sitting in the corner that only you and your roommates know about. You don't want to tell him the truth because it will only fuel his insecurity issue with the relationship. How selfish of you. Not to mention the insecurities he's already dealing with, they're not going ANYWHERE. HE needs to work on that. If he was insecure before you told him about your first go at cheating on him I know he's got to be at least twice as insecure now. It's sad to say, but weather you tell him the truth or not, this relationship will probably self destruct on it's own. I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but it's the truth. You two aren't working out and you hiding the truth from him, isn't going to help the situation. Now you've lost the support of your roommates. Who are you going to turn to the next time there's a big fight five months from now? Probably another guy...

[DeFrank]

Would you stay in a house if it were burning down? Or would you take yourself and leave?
Unfortunately your actions have consequences. He will most likely always dis trust you when you are away from him. Even IF you are done with the cheating. If you cheated in the first place, things were not good. Yes, maybe you talked it out, but the damage is done. IMO you should do him the courtesy of leaving him be. If you both take time away from each other and both mutually decide you need to be together after time apart, that is great! You can't have your cake eat it, regurgitate it, and expect him to eat it. If the roles were reversed, I'm sure you would be devastated and your trust for him would be gone.

Give yourselves time to be alone.

[oldskool83]

i guess i dont understand your need to go drink yourself silly at a party after a fight and then go cheat on him, seems like a bad pattern on your end. Might want to rethink things here some, from what it sounds like the real problem is you. and if you wanna stay with him eat your guilt.

[Georgianna]

This sounds vaguely like one of my old relationships. I was unhappy... I had a hard time telling him I loved him anymore. I tried to break things off, say how I felt, but we stayed together because he talked me into it. I ended up cheating and I broke it off with him after that. I never told him. I felt bad, but I felt great that I was finally free. From your description it sounds like you will feel the same way I did once it is over. When you get out of that mess of emotions and look at it objectively you will be happy you ended it. Just make sure you ACTUALLY end it and do not have contact. Whether the problems are your fault or not, you are not happy and your heart is not in this. The fact that you cheated proves this. Don't waste his time or yours.