Why would you want to be friends with your ex girlfriend?

[jessica danes]

Hello
I would appreciate a male's perspective. I'm guessing I already know the answers but am really intersted to know more...
My ex broke up with me after a long term relationship that lasted 4 years. We argued a lot towards the end and he had just had enough. He broke up with me but said he wanted to be friends (we were friends before we dated). This was one year ago now and he started a new relationship three months ago. He still wants to be friends and although we don't speak as much any more he always asks if there is anything he can do for me around my house (DIY stuff) and we plan to go out for the day soon - to a house in the country for a picnic. I'm not sure if his new girlfriend is aware if this or not. What's going on in his mind, guys?

[VincenzoG91]

Maybe he's hoping for some FWB action on the side? Or he isn't 100% sure about the current girlfriend and wants to keep you as a backup. Or it's possible that he really just wants to maintain the original friendship.

[jessica danes]

Maybe he's hoping for some FWB action on the side? Or he isn't 100% sure about the current girlfriend and wants to keep you as a backup. Or it's possible that he really just wants to maintain the original friendship.

Thanks - I think he just wants to be friends - that it's all innocent but my male friend is convinced he would never spend a whole day with his ex just the two of them when he had a girlfreind without there being some attraction still there. What do you think about that? I'm really not sure. I thought I knew him and would be shocked if he would contemplate cheating on his current partner.

[Wakeup]

Why wouild you go on a picnic as a friend with a man that you obviously have some feelings for still? Tell him No and that if he ever breaks up with girl No. 1. to give you a call and if you're still single, you'll go on a picnic with him then. How would you feel if your boyfriend went on an all day picnic with someone of the opposite sex that he had been intimate with? If you can imagine the emotion that would well up in you if he were to do that, then you'll not do this with him.

WTF is wrong with you young people that you continue to do date like things with people that you once ****ed under the guise of it being "friendship?" Drop his ass and tell him to respect his current relationship. You Op, respect yourself and quit pretending.

[Boisdevie]

Seems wierd to me. I have never been friends with a gf after a relationship has ended - what is the point? I already have friends.

[98db]

I am friends with an ex of 7 years. I completely blew her off the first year after we split up but since then we have been hanging out maybe once every 2 weeks or so. She really knows me, the good and the bad, and it is nice to have someone in your life like that. I think I may have went to far when I tried to get her and my most recent ex to hang out. Cool things is neither of them have completely shot down the idea.

[FeelingCalledL]

Hello
I would appreciate a male's perspective. I'm guessing I already know the answers but am really intersted to know more...
My ex broke up with me after a long term relationship that lasted 4 years. We argued a lot towards the end and he had just had enough. He broke up with me but said he wanted to be friends (we were friends before we dated). This was one year ago now and he started a new relationship three months ago. He still wants to be friends and although we don't speak as much any more he always asks if there is anything he can do for me around my house (DIY stuff) and we plan to go out for the day soon - to a house in the country for a picnic. I'm not sure if his new girlfriend is aware if this or not. What's going on in his mind, guys?

He still wants to be friends with you because he still gets something out from being friends. For one reason or another he doesn't see you as a good fit to be his girlfriend, but on the other hand there are some things you do that make him feel good and likes them and doesn't want to lose them. He wants the pie and eat it too.

I never ever stay friends with my ex's. If the want me they will have to get the whole package. Unless of course I don't care at all any more about them, in which again in that case I don't see a point in being friends with them.

Being in good terms and just saying a hello or smiling if I meet them randomly is a different thing. But friends.. hell no!

[steviej]

I'm completely over my ex and would like her as a friend, but out of respect for my current gf I won't do it, I just think how i'd feel if the situation is reversed and she was hanging out with her ex, it would make me feel very uncomfortable.

[wombat]

hmmm I am still friends with my ex-hubby (we were together near on 10 years) - it is ENTiRELY platonic (neither of us are interested in the other in any other way than as friends). As I also believe in honesty, anyone I am seeing as a potential partner knows that he is still my friend (and many have actually respected me more for it).

[Vanessa]

What Wakeup said. I don't really believe in friendships with exes. I'm on good terms with most but we're not friends. If I want to hang out with someone I've got my actual friends that I've never slept with/had feelings for.

[Incognito]

hmmm I am still friends with my ex-hubby (we were together near on 10 years) - it is ENTiRELY platonic (neither of us are interested in the other in any other way than as friends). As I also believe in honesty, anyone I am seeing as a potential partner knows that he is still my friend (and many have actually respected me more for it).

I'll bet anything that if you secretly offered to sleep with him that he'd do it. Even if he didn't the first time you offered he would eventually. If there wasn't still some kind of feeling there he wouldn't be friends with you.

To the OP: You need to avoid this guy. Have you ever considered the possibility that he was seeing his ex girlfriends when he was in a relationship with you? How would that have made you feel? As it stands now many would say that he is cheating on his girlfriend with you, even though it isn't sexual. Don't be the one that enables him to ruin a relationship, and hopefully this will discourage your future consideration of a relationship with this man.

[wombat]

I'll bet anything that if you secretly offered to sleep with him that he'd do it. Even if he didn't the first time you offered he would eventually. If there wasn't still some kind of feeling there he wouldn't be friends with you.

I get what you're saying, and maybe early on he would have if I offered - but years have passed now, we've both been in relationships since... we give each other advice etc but it's nothing more than friendship. We've always had a lot of respect for each other - too much to cross a boundary like that! We don't let our friendship get in the way of our current relationships though (current partners need to be respected too).

[Wakeup]

(and many have actually respected me more for it).

Yes, I suspect they respected you for being honest because then they could refrain from becoming to vulnerable to you so that an easy exit would be possible for them.

I don't think I know anyone who would be comfortable with an ex being a friend. Being "friendly" with one another is one thing. Being their "friend" is quite another.

Where are these men that "respected you for it" now? Not still with you I assume???

[wombat]

I likely didn't make the situation clear - it's not like we hang out all the time, we'll catch up every now and then (I'm actually quite close to his family as well - complicated, but they didn't want me out of their life completely, just because he and I didn't work out).

I still talk occassionally to them (I'm not the booty call kind of girl, and any guy who tries that line with me is instantly cut off), just because someone doesn't work outt on a relationship level, it doesn't mean they can't later become a friend. Had it ended on bad terms, then that might be different!

That said, I haven't exactly been involved with a tonne of guys - I am old fashioned/traditionalist in my ways - but grew up in a broken family where my parents remained friendly with each other (platonically!!!) - I learnt from them how to interact.

[Wakeup]

I likely didn't make the situation clear - it's not like we hang out all the time, we'll catch up every now and then (I'm actually quite close to his family as well - complicated, but they didn't want me out of their life completely, just because he and I didn't work out).

I still talk occassionally to them (I'm not the booty call kind of girl, and any guy who tries that line with me is instantly cut off), just because someone doesn't work outt on a relationship level, it doesn't mean they can't later become a friend. Had it ended on bad terms, then that might be different!

That said, I haven't exactly been involved with a tonne of guys - I am old fashioned/traditionalist in my ways - but grew up in a broken family where my parents remained friendly with each other (platonically!!!) - I learnt from them how to interact.

The point is that not too many people that you try to form a meaningful relationship will be happy with you hanging out, going on date-like activities and generally being and doing what "friends" are to, and do with one another. It just doesn't seem to sit right with humans who love in a very possessive manner. You See?