Realizing my "Pattern"

[critter1984]

Hi everyone. I am having a bit of a hard time even committing this to words but I am going to try and see if I can't get some helpful advice without sounding like a ninny.

So, a little history about myself:

I am notorious for many, very brief relationships throughout my life so far (I am 26 and have been dating since I was 15).
Most of these relationships have lasted anywhere from 2-6 months. There was one that lasted for 2 years and I was married for about 9 months. I am now currently divorced and have been for a little over a year. Since my divorce I have begun to notice my "patterns" in relationships and even though these realizations have been enlightening, I can't seem to overcome my pattern and better myself. I keep repeating the same mistake with every man I get involved with even after a horrible divorce and tons of failed relationships. Here’s how it goes…

1) Sleep together - which I KNOW is my first downfall, above all!
2) Guy falls madly in love with me, I can't fathom why (probably something to do with sex) but I’m addicted to this feeling and therefore pursue a relationship with said guy
3) Rush into a relationship - "I love you" after only a few weeks or months
4) Things go well for a few more weeks or months, we discuss a possible future and all seems well
5) I am suddenly completely unattracted to this person on all levels anymore
6) I keep them hanging on because I am afraid of hurting them and being alone at the same time and, even though they know a break up is eminent, they usually keep hanging on with false hope
7) I eventually break things off with them
8) After a few weeks or months I become lonely again and seek a relationship once more
9) Repeat pattern

So, I have realized my pattern. I know what I am going to do before I even do it. I just go into every new relationship hoping that I won't repeat this pattern.

I am currently dating someone as of about 3 months ago. We are both pretty recently divorced (within the past 2 years). His marriage was horrible. His wife took advantage of him and cheated on him. Not a good situation at all. So he is looking for new wife material. Someone who is the complete opposite of his ex. Apparently, I fit the bill. He believes that I am perfect. I, however, don't feel that way at all.

Here is a little history on me and this guy:

We met in a bar about a year ago. We didn’t go home with each other that night but went on a date about a week later. We slept together on our first date and, even though the sex was very good, I didn’t see myself going anywhere with this guy. So when he asked me on a second date, I refused and told him that I wasn’t interested in a relationship with him. He pursued a bit more after that but eventually left me alone for a while. He did begin pursue once more but I was in a relationship at the time so I wrote him off. When that relationship ended, I became lonely again and Mr. Pursuant came to mind. So I contacted him (DUMB mistake, I know!) and we began a regular ritual of sleeping together (not dating). This continued for a few weeks until Valentine’s day approached and he asked if we could spend it together. I was completely hesitant but agreed, only to realize that this was a huge mistake because I didn’t have feelings for this man. So I cancelled our V-day plans.

I went on for a few months without speaking to him but one day I got a wild hair after not being able to get him out of my head and sent him a text. He was happy to hear from me, although hurt from before and we made plans to hang out that weekend. We spent the entire weekend together. He made reservations at a nice restaurant and we had a great time. At the end of the weekend he told me that he really liked me and wanted to have something more than just sex with me. He proceeded to explain that he had other girls who were interested in him but he didn’t want them. He only wanted to pursue me and I that I needed to decide if I wanted to be with him or not. He basically gave me an ultimatum: Be with me now or never see me again.

I told him I HAD to have time to think this over. I had never felt anything more than sexual attraction to this guy since the beginning so why should my feelings change now? After a few days, I called him. I told him that this was not a decision that I was comfortable with but I didn’t want to never see him again. We agreed to give things a try and take it slowly. Well, don’t you know my pattern kicked in as soon as we made things official. And now I am here in this boat again.

I am fulfilling my pattern in this relationship already. Even though we still sleep together at least once a week, I have become completely unattracted to him, both physically and emotionally. I really feel like he is a good man. I just don't have the desire to continue on with him. I know that he knows how I feel. We have recently discussed this and I told him that I had been thinking of breaking up with him for various reasons. He stood his ground and said that he didn't deserve this. If I didn't want to be with him, I should be honest with him and myself (and I fully believe that he is 100% right!). But when it came down to me leaving, he begged me not to go. We talked some more and I convinced myself to give this another try. The rest of the weekend went well but when we hung out again after that all of my original feelings came back. Him begging me to leave didn't negate the fact that I don't want to be with him anymore.

He is constantly doing things for me and buying me things and I just don't understand why he feels it necessary or what I do to deserve it. I have asked him and he says that I do little things for him like, cooking him dinner or being there for him. In my mind though, those deeds still don't warrant all of the doting he does on me. I can't possibly return all of his gestures so now I am left feeling totally guilty for accepting all of these things and I am beginning to think that he continues these things in order to keep me "happy" (even though we both know it's only a temporary happy) so that I will stay with him.

I have been letting myself fall into this trap for too long. I am not a materialistic or selfish person and, while all of these things he does and buys are nice, it isn't fair for me to go on like this with him.

I know that I need to break it off with him but I am being so selfish. I am just terrified of that "break up feeling" and starting this pattern over again.

I know that I need to just be alone for some time and figure things out and just let a relationship happen and I have convinced myself of this before but still rushed in with the first guy who showed any interest. I need help escaping from this pattern, I think. I just don't want to hurt anyone else along the way.
I know what I need to do, I guess I am just being a chicken about it. He deserves to move on to someone who really loves him and cares about him.

I just need some words of advice or comfort, maybe for someone to tell me that I’m not completely crazy and there is hope for me. I’m feeling so completely confused right now. It doesn’t seem like there is anyone else that can relate to me on this. My friends and family think that I am just a selfish brat who can’t see something good when I have it. And they may very well be right. I really need to figure things out for myself before I drag anyone else into this mess again.

Thanks for reading this. Any advice, even the cold, hard truth would be helpful.

[devonbrown]

Here is my advice - re-read your post. You say in there that you understand your pattern and know what you need to do to change it. So instead of repeating what you wrote, just follow your own advice.

The only other thing I would suggest is to look at the type of guys you wind up falling for. Perhaps there is a similarity in them that makes you fall into this pattern. Examine yourself completely, including before a relationship. Become happy with yourself first and stop looking for a relationship to fill a void of loneliness, because it never will.