what does he want?

[princessmolly]

Hey guys

I really need a man's point of view on this one. My boyfriend and I (I guess "ex-boyfriend" is more suitable) broke up almost nine months ago. We've been friends ever since, but of course, in the back of my head, whether I admit it or not, it's always been because i've always had some kind of hope everything would be alright again.

He never gave any indication or good reason for the break-up other than "he wasn't as mad about me anymore as I was about him". (the whole story is posted under broken hearts, the name of the thread is "broken heart and the thereafter" or something like that)

Anyway, we've been friends for nine months now, we've kissed twice since the break-up, he still sleeps over regularly (nothing ever happens), but he still comfortably lies in my bed without offering to take the couch, he just naturally steps into my bed in his boxers, as if everything is the way it has always been. When I don't text him for about ten days he usually texts me first, or puts things on my facebook to get my attention. Everytime we're at the same party, he comes over and pays attention to me all night.

WHAT-DOES-HE-WANT? it confuses me. I'm trying to move on (which clearly I haven't) but it seems like he won't let me?

Thanks!
Love
Molly

[Mathias]

He wants the comfort of having you around, with the freedom to pursue other girls.

Get away before you REALLY get hurt.

[HeartIsAching]

1. Try asking him. Clear and honest communication.

2. If he doesn't want to continue with you, stop being "friends" with him. Don't let him come over and stay. If he approaches you at a party or other type of gathering/public place, tell him politely to get lost. He's interfering (probably on purpose) with your ability to find someone else.

[Wakeup]

If you want to move on then I have to ask why you allow him to sleep in your bed and why you pick up his texts when he sends them? You're hoping for something and you're also enabling him to have his cake (the comfort of familiarity, which is You) and to eat it as well (his freedom to persue other women). I agree with mathias... tell him to leave you alone and quit allowing him to do what he pleases with you before you really get hurt.

[IncognitoSir]

You don't actually want to move on, you're just saying that. You guys have communication issues. If he won't communicate what he wants or expects to come of the two of you, it's time to move on. Stop placing yourself in limbo. It's like you're hanging yourself here. You're trying to hold on to something that's not their.......and for 9 months, you're killing yourself here. Either you guys need to give it a serious try or you need to remove him from your life so you can MOVE FORWARD because he's holding you back in a lot of ways.

[Simon_ricci]

Ask him what he want, not us My advice.

[squire654]

What I'm wondering is - why did you two break up? "Not mad about you as you with him?" Not sure what that means really. I've been in unequal relationships before where my lovely girlfriend seemed to care about me more than I her. And I've been more intense about a relationship than my girlfriend - but I didn't keep visiting and sleeping in my boxers on her bed - in either case. There is something still there - obviously. And it isn't just friendship.

You need to talk to him about this, especially if it is driving you crazy. You need to be free of the doubt so you can make clear and healthy decisions. You might invite him out to dinner - maybe not your place - and talk about how you feel. Don't be too direct. Like "Do you remember what caused you to rethink our time together? I'm just curious." Might be a good tact. If were me, as I'm a control freak, I'd write out a bunch of questions and pick out the best ones to start a dialog.

A glass or two of wine has always proved useful to me in the past, in these types of situations.

[princessmolly]

@ Wakeup: I know I shouldn't allow him to sleep in my bed and I know I shouldn't hang out with him, but we were friends before we were together (even though I was always in love with him) and I guess I just miss him all the time. Not just as my boyfriend (which I admit, of course I DO miss him as my boyfriend), but also as the guy I used to hang out with and the person he is. and the person I am when I am with him.
I have tried the whole ignoring him thing and it just made me feel worse than forcing myself to be okay to be friends with him, even though that hurt a whole lot.
But maybe you're right, and maybe it'll be like a bandaid, maybe it'll hurt more in the beginning, but will be better for me in the end.
thanks for you advice!

@ squire654: I have NO idea why we broke up in the first place. Maybe he's just scared? I don't know, it's been nine months now that I've been asking myself the same question over and over and over. We were great together, we really were. We never once fought (on hindsight i think maybe we should have fought just a little bit more, it's healthy) .
I'm glad that in you're opinion there still is something there, and that I'm not the crazy ex-girlfriend imagining things. I just wish I knew what it meant.
I have talked to him about this actually. We've talked about it for hours and hours. We were on the roof of my appartment with a couple of beers, just hanging out, it was all really relaxed. We were talking about other couples, friends of ours, when I asked "So, why aren't we a couple anymore, really?" and he just answered a bunch of confusing things, without ever really saying he didn't have feelings for me anymore. It didn't change the vibe or anything, and I was happy it didn't get awkward but I still didn't really get out of him what I wanted. And I don't plan on asking him again I guess I just need to forget about it and move the hell on, like everybody says I should.

Thanks for you advice everybody! I appreciate you all taking the time to read all this!

Love
Molly