I'm a self absorbed, validation whore, and I need help.

[THX]

I've had a long time obsession with myself.It's effect is it more often than not leaves me feeling alone, hopeless and desperate. I'm obsessed with people liking me and thinking I'm important.

I wake up most mornings with one overriding thought on my mind is, "What are you going to do today to avoid dieing alone and insignificant?"

I am judgmental in that I rank people in a social hierarchy.Then I contemplate where I am in that hierarchy.Then I go about trying to figure out what skills and people can help me climb it. When I'm at a social gathering my interactions are like a chess match. I'm always thinking ,"How am I doing? What is my next move? How will that move effect my status?" I find it hard to hold conversation because I am constantly self censuring myself. I'll think of something to say back and my inner voice says, "Veto!! What your thinking of saying is going to make you sound stupid."

I often use alcohol as a social crutch. If I'm calling a girl on the phone for the first time I will catch a 3 drink buzz before I call. I've always had vastly superior conversations when I drink. It pulls me out of the ego protecting strategy mode and lets me run free, in the moment. All the sudden I'm a social butterfly. Witty, outgoing and saying all those things the "Veto voice", said was stupid and it fits in just fine.

The problem is I can't go around in my life drinking all the time. I need to learn to be self validating and not needing it so badly from others. I want to put an end to manipulation, plotting and being self absorbed. Where's the off button? I want to move on with my life.

[lahnnabell]

You sound a lot like my ex. He was a gorgeous guy and very intelligent, but he had this way about him that was very elitist. He could be a very kind person, but other times he seemed more interested in watching baseball and hiding out at home. The only time he got really social was when alcohol was involved and it was getting the point where he was driving drunk sometimes or calling me late at night to drunkenly tell me that he missed me and loved me so much. I wanted to be there for him, but I kept having to readjust my life for him. I was heart broken when we broke up, but I realized that his bad habits were only going to hinder our relationship. I certainly wasn't going to be able to fix him.

You have to figure out the source of your insecurity. Therapy is really the only best way you can get a look at yourself since you are so afraid of the opinion of others. I knew my ex would never go into therapy because he had all sorts of negative stuff to say about people who did. He thought it would make him seem weak. It's not a bad thing to need someone to talk to, and in this case, you need an unbiased professional that knows how to work with a person like yourself.

[pisces25]

The fact you admit you have a problem and want to change is a great step in the right direction. Consider it the first stage of the new you. I agree with lahnnabell in that a qualified therapist will be able to find the source of your unhappiness and provide you with the tools and techniques to change things.

Good luck.

[Boreos]

I get depressed if nobody thanks me for my posts.