best friend driving me nuts!

[MaidenMinx]

Didn't know where else to post this, and since I don't have many female friends I guess I figured another female perspective on this might help.

As I have said elsewhere, I have 1 (count them one) really good friend, other than my husband. I first met this friend when I was 16 and she was 14. We actually really didn't like each other when we first met. A few years later we ended up at the same school and lived only a 10 minute walk from each other. We became great friends. We have very little in common but the bit we do have in common is enough to generally keep us talking happily. We have had 2 major fall outs in the past that have resulted in us not talking for up to a year and we swore we would never let things get that bad again.

And here is the problem. Right now, I would happily punch her.

I might add here I am currently weaning myself off anti-depressants to see if I can cope without them. Overall I am doing fine. It seems all the meds did was stop my emotions from hitting the extremes, and I'm surprised at how well I am coping in general. I think this would have pissed me off even with meds.

So here's the scenario, not long before my wedding (which was June 13) my best friend managed to betray her boyfriends trust. he tried to break up with her. She begged him for a second chance. This has been an ongoing drama. I never know from day to day if they are broken up or not. This in itself is draining because I can never figure out what level of support she is after. My support is slowly turning into me delivering blunt opinions on the situation and then crying with her when I realise I have been to blunt with her. This is her 5th major break up in the time I have known her. I'm starting to tire of the routine. Emotionally support her through her break ups and then slowly get her back on her feet. Once she's on her feet, watch her throw her heart at someone new, then spend the whole time they are together regularly being let down by her. It's frustrating.

And now here is the crux of the problem (if I was the Hulk I'd be turning green right now. Sorry for the bashing, Keyboard). On my wedding day the Hotel I'd booked the tiny reception and a room for the night in f**ked up royally, left, right and centre. I complained heartily and they offered hubby and I a complimentary night. The soonest we could organise it for is the first weekend of August. My best friend instantly offered to babysit and I have been looking forward to the respite soooo much. I love my son, I do, though I also love my private time with my husband. A second wedding night isn't offered very often.

Last week, she called to tell me another bought of horrible things he had said. She said she really thought it was over. I sympathised and moved the conversation on to something more pleasant. After a bit she said she had to go and I said "Oh, just quickly. The hotel weekend is a fortnight away" "what date is that?" She replied. I told her and she said "Oh I won't be able to. I'm going to the snow with (him) that weekend"

I was gobsmacked. If she had been infront of me I would have slapped her out of impulse. I simply couldn't believe she started the phone call with we're basically over and ended it with I can't keep my promise to you because I'll be too busy chasing a dream. It now looks like my dream second wedding night is going to be a mini family adventure (yay! a 6 yr old in a honeymoon suite with us. Can't wait. /sarcasm)

I am furious with her. I want to tell her I can't believe she is being this stupid. I want to tell her that since I cannot count on her for support (having a child with Autism is a situation that needs lots of support) I don't want to hear about her bullshit problems any more. I know I have to say something but I know I can't say that. I also know if I don't figure out what to say and how to say it soon, I am going to end up giving her a rather nasty serve.

Help. How can I tell her how furious and disappointed I am without saying it angrily? Also, do I have a right to be so upset? Am I taking this too personally? Should I be supporting what she wants? Am I being selfish by thinking she should respect the fact that she promised to give my husband and I a night to ourselves? Should I be saying "great. Go save your relationship" even if I think there is nothing for them to salvage?

(Might also be relevant that the (him) in question is actually a friend of my family and is very close to my brothers. Anytime I have spoken to my brothers of late if (him) comes up they change the subject. Before all this they were happy to express their opinion of things, which was always positive)

[smackie9]

Write her a letter expressing everything....how tired you are of her constant emotional drama about the failings of her relationship with said dude. How selfish she is for backing out of a very important promise. And now that you have said all that, it`s time for you both to part ways for this friendship is now done. As we move on in our lives, we out grow certain friends. She is self centered and rude.....just like any bad relationship, it`s time to break up.

[MaidenMinx]

Thank you for affirming that me being upset is not an over-reaction. That's a good start.

It's unlikely that I'll no longer have anything to do with her, but I will admit I am taking a strong step back. I'm tired and I'm not going to be her emotional prop up any more. Especially while she refuses to help herself and get back into counselling.

I do like the letter idea. I have been considering writing her an email. I guess I worry I'll hit the bitchiness to hard and be too blunt. I guess I don't want to actually hurt her feelings, I just want to wake her up to the fact that she is being a shockingly shitty friend.

[rafterman]

Who needs enemies, when you have friends like that. Sometimes people can be selfish and they dont realise it,untilthey are alerted to the fact.From my experience,I try to stay out peoples relationship issues, because you can sometimes end up looking like the "bad guy".You dont need that BS when your coming off Anti-depressants.Maybe its time to front her and explain the other side of the coin.

[MaidenMinx]

To be honest, I'd love nothing more than for her to deal with her relationship crap herself, AND to make a decision and stick with it. Unfortunately I am the only friend she has that can she feels comfortable venting with. *sigh* to make matters worse, when she and (him) got together I did interfere a bit. At that point because (him) is a family friend, he was visiting regularly hoping she'd be over, so I am technically in the middle of things. Early on, there was once or twice I'd give him some advice and then she would go nuts at me when I told her. He came to visit to congratulate hubby and I for getting married (was small and secret) and afterward she had a go at me for NOT talking to him about her.

I want to talk to her. I don't know what to say. Right now it would come out as "I'm over it, chicky. I don't know how you expect people to respect you when not even you can respect you. You ****ed up and he doesn't trust you. LET IT GO!!! And for the record, I don't know what type of friendship we're going to have any more because your inability to respect your plans with me has just hit a new low and I'm not going to take that crap any more. If you don't want to be not only single but lonely, keep treating me like this, because unlike you I do have enough self respect to not allow myself to be used". I don't think that would be the greatest wording.

[pisces25]

You need to get this off your chest that's for sure. Don't do it whilst emotional wait until you are clear-headed and then either write or speak to her calmly. ALL relationships are a two-way street and she is not participating. Give her a chance to make changes and become a better friend, if she doesn't cut her off. Life is hard enough without having to deal with selfish, emotionally draining peiople.

[rafterman]

The problem is when you set people up, they have a tendency to then use you as a moderator when things flap up. Maybe dont approach her right now,cause you you sound real pissed ATM. No offence.You may say things you regret in the heat of the moment.But as you said, let her go to the snow and try to save a sinking ship.Atleast it will be just you and hubby and no whinging from drama queen. What happens if she does go with you and Hubby and she starts with her crap? Second Wedding night flapped up courtesy of drama queen.

[smackie9]

Write your letter, leave it for a day or so and read it again.....make changes.

You may not completely write her off, but the time you spend with her might be less.....you have started a new chapter in your life...you are married! From what I can see you don't want to deal with this immaturity and bull s hit. like I said, you change as you move on in your life and sometimes you out grow your friends and hopefully make new ones.....positive ones.

[MaidenMinx]

The problem is when you set people up, they have a tendency to then use you as a moderator when things flap up. Maybe dont approach her right now,cause you you sound real pissed ATM. No offence.You may say things you regret in the heat of the moment.But as you said, let her go to the snow and try to save a sinking ship.Atleast it will be just you and hubby and no whinging from drama queen. What happens if she does go with you and Hubby and she starts with her crap? Second Wedding night flapped up courtesy of drama queen.

I am NEVER setting up 2 people again. I actually did try to prevent this from heading into a relationship but I did encourage her to date him as she was getting over a break up. I thought it would boost her self esteem. Seems she feels like she has to fall head over heels for every guy who boosts her self esteem (and I think I just hit on why she has such a jealousy issue - she gets jealous of porn! - obviously she doesn't understand that someone can be attracted to someone without having to rip their beating hearts from their chests for them). Right now, I am not too pissed off, I have vented. I don't know how to approach her though without putting her on the defensive, because ONE word of defence out of her mouth and I'd be wanting to rip her head off and vomit down her throat. Actually, I am pissed off. It's just under the surface and the surface is very thin today.

But the main reason I quoted you was to clarify I needed her around to babysit. Not much of a second wedding night when you have to enjoy the spa in swimmers with your 6 yr old son, no matter how much we love him. *sigh* I think that is the first thing I have to get my head around, accepting that fact that it's now a family adventure. I think once I can shift the upset over what I'll be missing out on, I'll be able to talk to her without resorting to nastiness.

[MaidenMinx]

Thanks Smackie. I remember reading once that as you move through the stages of your life you need to evolve your friends with it. Eg when you're young and single so are your friends, when you're settling down so are your friends.

I do know that some pulling back does need to happen. As you said, I'm married now and even though we've been together 8 yrs, engaged for 3 of those and only married for one month, there has been a change since we married. We feel more solid, and some times I feel like my best friend is thoroughly envious of what hubby and I have. On the flip side of that equation, she recently got a promotion and a pay rise which puts her alone (who lives with her folks) at double the income of hubby and I combined. I didn't think I was jealous until we went shopping together and everything I liked but couldn't afford she'd talk about buying for herself. She didn't on the day, but I'm completely waiting for her to go back and get a few pieces. It does feel like we are drifting apart, and I feel weird saying this on a forum designed for sexual relationships, but it hurts. I don't make friends well and I wouldn't know where to begin. I find it difficult to find people that accept me.

[MaidenMinx]

And may I also add I am disgusted in myself for sounding like such a pathetic sop...

[misombra]

well you depended on her so it's not surprising you're hurt and pissed.

i would put her on the back burner. don't call her and when she calls you during a break down tell her you're sorry but you have other important things to do.

i have a friend who pisses me off with her attitude, but she is always there when i need her and is very dependable. i can put up with her attitude because she is good to me in general. i would be leaving that bitch alone. i understand that girls enjoy the company of guys but i can't stand the ones that can't be without one and **** up their lives and relationships to be with one.

[rafterman]

So it sounds like you just need a babysitter not a friend. Cant you hire a babysitter for the weekend.

[MaidenMinx]

I would like to add here, when she's not so completely self absorbed she can be a great and generous friend. Unfortunately those times are getting fewer and fewer and briefer and briefer. She is one of the few people that stuck by me when my son was born early and sick. She was a wonderful support then. And I know I can be a burden of a friend myself at times. I'm not the most stable person on the planet and when my son is being stressful, I'm not much good to anyone because I am spending all my energy on him. She does generally try to be understanding of that. She also considers the friendship one sided at time because I don't go out to visit her. I've told her when she moves out of her parents house I'll have no problem visiting her. Just saying all this to illustrate that I can be a bitch too.

Misombra, that is actually the type of approach I've been thinking of taking. It feels a little passive aggressive though and makes me wonder if I'll just be delaying the inevitable. She is starting to get under my skin with her constant mopiness and inability to function with or without a man in her life. I do not understand how she can have so little self respect. Another source of frustration is her unwillingness to DO anything to get herself better. She went to one counsellor who retired and she refuses to go to another even though she acknowledges she was getting somewhere when seeing him. I think it's time for me to acknowledge that while she has emotional crutches like me she won't get anywhere. I did most of my best healing when I felt my most alone. Maybe she needs to be thrown in the deep end to learn how to swim.

[misombra]

if you have a child with autism then you have enough to deal with in your life. it's okay to love someone from a distance and admit to yourself that you just can't give your energy and not get any back. i've tried to be friends with people who i really just did not like and tried so hard to like them but was always disappointed. like tom petty says all it ever got me was down. you don't have to end your friendship officially or anything, just don't mess with her if she's going to hurt you all the time.

i'm sorry you're going through this. i went through the same drama with a good friend recently (see my "ex-friends" thread.) it sucks, i know.