Girlfriend has crush on bisexual guy and kissed him but doesn't regret it.

[WalkOverMe]

Hello there,

I am new here and I need some advice. I decided to post the full story because it's all bit linked and complicated.
About me, I am a quiet more shy like guy, 27 years old, work as a programmer and have my office at home. I would consider myself okay looking, not overweight but also no model.

So here's the full story about my girlfriend and me.

In May we had a drunken accident. She and her close female friend went out drinking and came back totally drunk, but they didn't want to stop drinking when they were back, instead they took out a bottle of tequila and asked me to join them with the shots. We had a few shots and then they started to dance on the table etc. I really wanted to join and dance as well, but I am very uptight and shy when it comes to dancing and loosen up. So I had downed a beer and had 6 shots in a row on my own cause I wanted to loosen up quickly. About 15 mins later I was actually drunk and I danced as well.

At some stage I noticed how her female friend started touching her and tried to kiss her. This went on for a while until they ended up kissing for real. I admit, I thought it was hot, that my girlfriend kisses another girl, plus I was in-between them while they kissed. I never experienced any kind of threesome before, but it did turn me on a lot. But then I noticed they both started pushing me out of the way. They decided to have some more shots then and they kissed again in the kitchen corner where I was but then pushed me away again and when I tried to hug or kiss my girlfriend, I would be pushed even more away.

Their kissing went further and further. At some point the other girl was lying flat on the table while my girlfriend was on top of her, and they started undressing each other.
Once again I admit, I thought it was a turn on, but then when I tried to kiss my girlfriend or hold her, both of them pushed me away. My girlfriend then got up and pushed me to the sofa and gave me a really weird look. I didn't feel okay about it, mainly because it felt like she's cheating on me but she's total okay with it and I noticed the amount of alcohol I took in this short time was really getting to me. At this stage every thing got really blurry and I only remember bits and pieces.

I was disappointed and felt weird about them starting to have sex and kicking me away. I left the room to go on my laptop and write down in an email that i do not feel okay about this.
After 10-20 minutes I went back into the room to find them have full on proper lesbian sex. (licking and finger each other). I think they stopped when I came in. And next thing I remember my girlfriend saying we should all lust go to bed and sleep it off. I remember I went to my laptop quickly to see what I wrote, and after that I don't remember much. I can't remember leaving the laptop, or even walking upstairs. I am not a big drinker and my girlfriend knows that.
But now the ****ed up part starts. I went into my room where me and my girlfriend usually sleep. It was pitch black, I was totally wasted out of my head, could barely walk and all I remember seeing someone on the bed. I didn't even hop into the bed, but was on the side of the bed standing and then I started to go down on her. She started to moan and enjoyed it.
A few minutes later the door opens up behind me and i see my girlfriend standing there, yelling at me saying what the **** is going on etc.
I honestly do not remember if I was aware if it was the other girl that was lying in the bed, or if my mind was so ****ed up that I wanted to be with the other girl because I was pushed away. I honestly do not remember that. All I know is that it was pitch black, I was the most drunk I have ever been in my life and I know I would never ever hurt my girlfriend on purpose or cheat on her, nor was I ever attracted to her female friend and I also never thought about cheating on her, I am fully happy with my girlfriend. I am honestly truly in love with my girlfriend.

We had a huge fight about it. My girlfriend left for the weekend, she said she can't be with me at the moment.
After she came back we talked and she said she would forgive me because it was all a drunken mistake. I never really talked about how I felt what she did. But I agreed to not talk about it again and write it off as a drunken mistake.

I felt really bad about what I did and apologized to her many times. Over the next 2 months I would make the entire house work on my own, which we normally share. I'd spend about 1-2 hours a day cleaning the kitchen and living room from the night before, doing all the washes, fold her clothes, clean the bedroom, hoover the bedroom. Buy her flowers, make surprise breakfast and surprise candle light dinner. I even walk her to the bus every day when she goes to work and then collect her again. (I work from home, since I have my office here). So yes, I would say I put lots of work into it to apologize for that drunken night and I really want to make this relationship work.


2 months have passed and I thought it was all okay. Until one night when I sent her surprise txt message while she was asleep next to me. I realized I made a spelling mistake, so I took her phone and wanted to delete that message. I never even had her phone in my hands before. But then I suddenly saw tons of messages from a guy that she never mentioned to me, not once, and she normally talks about everyone she knows.
So I couldn't help myself and I looked at the messages. They were all flirt messages, very vague but definitely flirting. Like, yes lets meet up again, it was too short the last time, I need your strong hands, she giving her the address of our house etc. and then when I looked at the time and dates they said they meet, was weekends at night where I had to work night shifts.
And then I saw that he sent her a picture of him topless with his six pack ab. That freaked me out so I woke her up and told her to explain this to me. I was in tears and shacking, but she just smiled and told me it was a gay friend of hers and those messages are work related, and the picture is because he's proud of his body and needs female approval etc. apparently he helps her move furniture around and is very proud of his workout.
She showed me on Facebook that he is gay, and I believed her and left it at that.

But over the next few weeks, I got such a strange vibe from my girlfriend, like she's hiding something. I am very good in understanding body language, always have been. I just saw the way she acted, always a lot on her mind and dreaming away and also distant to me. When she got txts messages, it felt like she made sure I can't see it. Maybe it was just my paranoia that made me see it that way. But what definitely happened was that she was constantly on his Facebook profile looking at pictures. I honestly don't mind that, especially not if he's a gay friend, I am totally okay with that and I told her. I also never want to be a control freak in a relationship, we all should have our space and even small secrets as long as they don't make your partner uncomfortable.
But I noticed how she quickly hides the windows on her laptop when I walk pass her, or when I come close that she just switches windows etc. It felt like she's obsessed with his facebook page.
This has been going on for weeks and I honestly started being paranoid about her hiding something about that supposedly gay guy. Still strange that she hasn't mentioned him, nor ever talks about him. Although she gave me her password to her laptop, I would never invade her privacy. I feel bad enough that I looked at her phone.

I got at that stage where I couldn't sleep and wasn't hungry and had nightmares because I started having doubts. I confronted her then saying that I had a nightmare about it. But she just assured me nothing has ever happened and that he is 100% gay and they are just friends.
So once again I left it at that because I do love her and I want to be able to trust her.

Then yesterday I was on Facebook talking to one of her friends that she works with. And as it happened, i got a bit curious and asked her friend if she knows that gay guy. The girl then answered me, she has seen him a couple of times and she would assume that he is gay, but she never knows, he might be bisexual. And then she ends the sentence with, I should not worry, my ex girlfriend is not looking for anything serious at the moment.
So I was confused�. my ex girlfriend? I talked to her and It turns out that my girlfriend that I am living with, tells her co-workers that she is single! Apparently since that drunken incident over 2 months ago! She told her that I cheated on her, and that it's over and I will be moving out of the house.

I confronted her about that the second I picked her up from the bus stop. But what happened was that she got really upset within seconds, yelling at me telling me, asking how dare I ask her friend behind her back about stuff like that. She yelled and said she feels like I invaded her privacy. She totally tried to turn it on me, how I am the one being wrong here, not trusting her, and how I should apologize to her and her friend for even asking about that gay guy.
I couldn't believe how upset she got and honestly tried to make everything look like it's my fault. Her answer about why she tells people she is single, is that because she cried once at work and didn't know what to say, so she said I cheated and her and now she's single again. She only said that to make it less complicated and have people not ask about her private life, since my girlfriend is the manager of the store and she needs to keep some distance between her private life and professional life, that is what she said anyways.
I actually yelled at her for the very first time. I told her straight out that I do not understand how this is helping her professional life that she tells people from work that she is single. It's not okay that she tells people I cheated on her and then pretends to be single at work.
We argued for over 2 hours, and she told me over and over how paranoid I am, and there has nothing been going on with the gay guy and that I should apologize to her, and that it's her business what she tells people at work about her private life.
At some stage it all got to me, because from her body language I knew she was hiding something. So I broke down crying telling her I am sorry for being so stupid and I hostly do not know why I feel that way. For some reason she came over to me and was holding me then and out of nowhere she told me�. okay, I made out with that guy�
I was sooooooooo relieved! I got up and hugged her. I don't know, why, but I hugged her and told her thank you for telling me. For some reason I found peace with it.

So we talked for another while and she said he's actually bisexual (ouch not helping me!) but he is in a relationship with a guy and they adopted a little girl. She said they only kissed once, and since then they just hang out a lot. Mainly because he loves art, old movies and makes jewellery and my girlfriend is fascinated with everything he does.
It sounded to me like she has a crush on that gay guy.

I do not know how a womans mind works, and i do want to trust her, and I think I can, because she finally told me the truth. But there are several things I can't get over with.

When I woke up this morning I kept thinking about the entire past 2 months, when I was doing all the house work, buying her flowers, making candle light dinner etc. and basically put so much work into our relationship after I felt so bad about that drunken night.

But now I find out that the entire time while I tried to make it work, she was spending lots of time with that guy and even kissed. It's not even the fact that she was kissing him, but it was the lying to me every time I confronted her. She made me feel so small and useless when I started having doubts, and during the entire time she blamed it on me, saying I am just paranoid and stupid.
I feel betrayed and used
And on top of that she lies to her co-workers saying we're broken off because I cheated on her, while in reality, I now feel like she cheated on me twice, once with that girl and the second time with that guy.

We came to an agreement yesterday that it's wrong of her to tell her co-workers that she's single.
But she also told me she really likes that gay guy and she won't stop hanging around with him because she gets on fine with him, and I should not worry about that kiss.

I would love to trust her, but I have to be honest, I feel weird about it. She hasn't even apologized about lying to me for the past 2 months nor that she actually kissed the guy. All she did was agreeing that it was wrong of her to say that she's single.
But she did hold me very tight all night long, which she never does, and she did give me a giant hug and an "I Love you" this morning before she went to work. So I can see that she wants to set things straight hopefully.

I also know that even if she has a crush on that other guy, that she still loves me a lot and I know she wants to spend the future with me. As I said before, I am not sure how a womans mind works when it comes to stuff like this.
I am just a bit worried about her hanging out with that guy, and I still feel very small and sad that she lied to me about it for so long and made me feel like I am worthless. Im also not okay that she pretended to be single at work.

How do I move on from her? I do really appreciate that she told me, and I can finally find peace again with myself, but I am not over the things she has done to me. Plus it feels she doesn't really regret it that much, at least not as much as i did when I did the house work for 2 months after that drunken incident.

Can anyone give me advise on how to handle this. I don't know where to go from here. I feel like it's not over, it's still constantly on my mind that she lied to me for so long.

[VincenzoG91]

Cool story, bro!

[WalkOverMe]

Cool story, bro!

I'm glad my misery entertains you, but I was actually hoping for some real advise.

[tallyho]

In my opinion if she can't respect you enough to stop seeing that guy because its clearly bothering you, then her priorities are messed up. She is obviously putting her own lust before her relationship with you.

Man up. TELL Her she needs to stop seeing that guy because it's making you too uncomfortable or find some kind of compromise. If she doesn't budge at all I think it means she doesn't respect you.

Also, women tend to fall in love through courting. The more and more they hang out the more likely it is their relationship will get too strong for you to break, keep this in mind. This is exactly why I told my Ex (Ex for different reasons than your issue) I don't mind if she hangs out with guys, but if she hides it from me or starts hanging out with the same guy repeatedly you bet your ass I'm going to make an issue of it.

Show your girlfriend you can be secure, but show her you won't let her walk all over you.

[Simsala]

There's a name for it, and it's called "emotionally cheating". She clearly kept it a secret that she was spending time with the other guy, most likely because she likes him more than just a friend way. And even if they would never have kissed, I would definitely have confronted my girlfriend telling her that I would feel uncomfortable when she hangs out with a guy and never tells me.

I am sure, if you would spend lots of time with another girl, she would question it as well and get jealous. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking your partner why they would spend so much time with someone else. If she feels offended when you ask her about why she spends time with another then there is something wrong in your relationship.
And even now that she told you that she kissed him, I can totally understand that you do not want her to meet him again. If she doesn't see that, then she has her priorities wrong.

But let's move on to the next thing. If I would ever find out that my girlfriend has a double life where she tells others that she is single... that's a definite deal breaker. At least here you should pull the emergency break and have a serious talk. It is totally not okay of her that she tells other people that she is single, even at work. Dude, you gotta do something, that doesn't sound right at all. This is the way bigger deal breaker for me. Sounds to me like she wants a single life, and at the same time she doesn't want to lose you.

Talk to her and ask her if she wants to be in that relationship.

[Cerby]

You, my friend, are a doormat. Everytime you attempt to balls up and actually confront her, she cries, you apologize, and she wins.

There are countless times in this thread you should have ended this. She doesn't deserve your respect, so make your escape plan, nail her one last time, and make sure you dump her within 60 seconds of finishing.

Grow a pair and get out of there.

[IncognitoSir]

Dump her, right now. Call her up, dumper her, tell her why, tell her not to call you ever again. Then work on that doormat issue you have. Should of spoke up when she kissed a girl right in front of you the first time.

[bulrush]

Your girlfriend (or ex) can cheat but you can't? She's really messed up. Dump her and find someone more like you. Like if you want your new gf to make out with other girls, look for a bi girl who is open-minded. They are out there, just hard to find.

Or if you want someone who is calm, and more even-tempered like you, and who can commit, then go find that person.