New girlfriend needs time

[JJC11]

I am 37 and met this great woman in my class. We had been in classes together but I finally found the nerve to ask her out. Even before we went out, we talked to each other on the phone for hours (rare for me) and got real close. When we finally went out it was like a dream for both of us. I could be myself and be totally honest as could she.There was a spark between us and we fell in love only after a few weeks. I have dated quite a few woman and have been married before but never have I felt so close so fast to a woman. It all just felt so right.We would literally "make out" and both felt like we were back in High School! We spent almost all our available time together and were both happier than we had ever been.
There were a few issues though. She had been in a relationship with a deeply depressed guy for a year and had slowly been distancing herself from him and him from her.She was not happy with him and they had downgraded to the "friend" status a few months back.When we started dating she told him she was moving on and that it was best if they did'nt talk anymore.Of course he began stalking her,notes,emails,stopping by her house and leaving things.They had been in a bible study group together and she stopped going because of him.He has not bothered her in a few weeks because we filed a police report.
She was upset a week or go and after talking she said she was afraid that I would "run away" because of her activity in her church.I told her not only would I encourage her to go(she had not gone since we started dating)but that I would be open minded and go with her if she wanted.She had said numerous times that she missed the people at the bible study and that some of them would be at church.
A week ago I felt a change in her.She was'nt stone cold but was'nt as affectionate as usual, and it seemed that she wanted to spend time without me(we only get 2 days a week).
I went over her house Saturday and things seemed almost normal. She has been reading a book about co-dependency and has been confused as to why she had been in previous relationships with guys who had problems and could not give.When we woke up Sunday she said she had lots to do. We went to church together and it was rewarding.After church I asked her what was wrong and she said that she was confused and needed some time away from me, for herself. She does'nt know what is confusing her. She said that it did not have anything to do with me,but I am not sure if I should beleive her.She called me later that night and said that she needed time and this was only a speedbump in our relationship.She was confused but not sure what about.I tried to talk to her but she did not know the answers to my questions,I did not want to pressure her so I told her I would give her time.
I saw her today in class and she seemed so nervous,Her face was full of worry.I hugged her and gave her a kiss and told her to call me if she wants, but that she did'nt have to.She seemed uptight.
Well help me out ladies(or men) Can you fall out of love that quick? Is it normal for a woman to be totally in love one week and need some space the next? How should I handle it-I am backing off and giving her space because sometimes I talk too much and ask her what is wrong.
I have never had such strong feelings for a woman before-the last month and a half we have been going out has been amazing AND I DONT WANT TO LOSE HER!! WHAT SHOULD I DO??

[chelsee]

ok, this girl has some serious isues that she needs to resolve with her past relationship. It has nothing to do with you. She is just trying to make it better so that she doesn't make the same mistakes over and over. You just have to take things slow and give it time. Remember this is her problem and not yours. Just try to be understanding of what she is going through and reassure her that your a nice guy. Do something nice for her to prove to her that your not like the other jerks she has dated.

[cycletease]

I think she is doing the right thing for herself. She is becoming self-aware and analyzing her tendency towards unhealthy relationship. She has some things to work through, which if she doesn't will mean that your relationship never will be healthy.

I suggest being assertive about this. Talk to her tell her that you sense her apprehension and that you want her to be happy. Tell her if she needs space or time that you are willing to give her whatever she needs. Then back off and give her time. Be there if she needs you, not if she doesn't. If you really love this woman you will have to do things on her terms for now.

Being confused about ones feelings is not isolated to women. People are unsure of themselves and their relationships all the time. What makes a strong relationship is being able to work through these things.

Good luck!

[D'Artagnan]

you should be happy, she obviously wants to address her problem(s) before becoming deeply involved with you. as has been suggested, lay low, keep an eye out for her, she'll call you if she needs help. painful as it is, time needs to pass. hope it works out well.

[JJC11]

Thank you all for your insight and support.But all hope is lost. Minutes after I posted here she called me.She said that she had done some thinking and that she cant suppress her feelings for her x and she has to deal with it. She said that she might try it again with him at a later time but wanted to be alone.She said that she could'nt see me anymore at any capacity. I told myself at first that I might be a rebound.But she always reassured me that it was over.She said she had called him and talked to him yesterday. THIS IS THE GUY WHO WAS STALKING HER,ACTING SUICIDAL, and that I helped her file a police report to stop his stalking.SO SHE CALLS HIM? All the talk of how he was terrible to her, no affection, no sex(or an orgasm,ever)was not good to her daughter, depressed, and unstable and everything else.Boy that co-dependancy stuff really prevents her from being in a healthy relationship. I just dont understand! She loved me to death a few days ago, and now she wants nothing to do with me.I asked her that question and she said that she just could not answer it.I asked her about her feelings for me and she said she cared for me but did not really know what her feelings were for anyone. Sorry I am rambling but I am really hurt.I feel like I really opened up my heart and was the nice,sensitive,affectionate guy a woman would want, I was honest and myself. Now I feel like she did'nt like the real me, that she found some flaw that she did'nt like.What is so wrong with me that she would choose an unstable selfish guy over me? I went thru a divorce a few years ago and this feels worse.I was talking to my brother and got a vile taste in my mouth and had to get sick, I was sick for a couple hours,This just does'nt happen to me. I know I really love her because I want what is best for her, I am really worried about her.I think of the sadness she has in her eyes now and before we were together, and remember the happiness and smiles on her face when we were together and wish she was smiling again,even without me. To top things off, she called me an hour before my law exam.I just have too much to say........

[schueys_girl]

They say love is blind. This woman clearly still has feelings for her ex whatever the reason. For all you know mate she could have been telling little fibs about the sex and orgasms and stuff...but anyway this doesnt matter now.

She has told you what she is doing, and there is nothing you can do about it apart from move on and concentrate on your own life. You have done nothing wrong. Just cut all contact with her, clearly its painful for you to talk to her so respectfully ask her to stop calling and stuff and move to a different seat in the class you have with her.

I have to be brutally honest here (altho i accept i could be wrong) when i say she didnt really love you. She couldnt of done after her actions here. What she experienced with you was different from what she had before, and clearly it filled her with new emotions which she confused with love. I highly doubt she could really love you and then do this.

I know its hard mate, but u need to cut all contact and get on. You can do it and you will. focus on your law stuff and enjoy your life without her, who knows what may happen in the future, at least she was honest with you about her ex and didnt string you on for years.

As for nice guys finishing last this is not true. I have the nicest, most thoughful loving and caring boyfriend in the world and i recognise this and appreciate him more than anything. All you need to do is find someone who can do this with you...and you will!! take care xxxx

[JJC11]

Thanks Shueys Girl for taking the time to respond.This has been extremely hard for me. But your right she was problay never mine.It hurts to think that one of the most happiest and fufilling times of my life was kind of a lie.It does really help to post here, it takes up my time and lets me deal with this.

You said to cut all contact with her, this is tough. I have her in my math class this morning, there are only 8 people in the class, and I have been paired up with her for group work. I guess I will see how it goes,but I think I might drop the class.I hate to hurt my 4.0 G.P.A. I am so confused on this.She said that we can be adults and still be in the class and not to drop it.I dont know.Part of me wants to stay in the class with her so she wont forget me.As a reminder of how good a relationship may be.

You dont think it is good to still have some contact? No emails or calls?I am so worried about her.I cant help but want to be there for her in some capacity.For what reason should I cut all contact? Is it healthier for me, or is it a good way to let her realize what she lost?

I opened up with her like I never have with anyone else.I am afraid now to let a woman see me real self because she might reject me.I just cant help to think that if we had met at a different time, we would be together.The hardest part of this is realizing that I was(am) in love with someone who did not love me.

She is such a special woman. I dont know if I will ever find someone like her.All my hopes and dreams are shattered.

Thanks again for the replies,I really need someone to talk to.

[JJC11]

Thanks Shueys Girl for taking the time to respond.This has been extremely hard for me. But your right she was problay never mine.It hurts to think that one of the most happiest and fufilling times of my life was kind of a lie.It does really help to post here, it takes up my time and lets me deal with this.

You said to cut all contact with her, this is tough. I have her in my math class this morning, there are only 8 people in the class, and I have been paired up with her for group work. I guess I will see how it goes,but I think I might drop the class.I hate to hurt my 4.0 G.P.A. I am so confused on this.She said that we can be adults and still be in the class and not to drop it.I dont know.Part of me wants to stay in the class with her so she wont forget me.As a reminder of how good a relationship may be.

You dont think it is good to still have some contact? No emails or calls?I am so worried about her.I cant help but want to be there for her in some capacity.For what reason should I cut all contact? Is it healthier for me, or is it a good way to let her realize what she lost?

I opened up with her like I never have with anyone else.I am afraid now to let a woman see me real self because she might reject me.I just cant help to think that if we had met at a different time, we would be together.The hardest part of this is realizing that I was(am) in love with someone who did not love me.

She is such a special woman. I dont know if I will ever find someone like her.All my hopes and dreams are shattered.

Thanks again for the replies,I really need someone to talk to.[/QUOTE]

[schueys_girl]

Ok, i answered some of these questions in your new thread (how can i handle the pain) so instead of using two different threads on the same subject head over there and il try and help you some more