Obsessed, possessed, or plain crazy?

[Benni]

This is a long story but I’ll try to shorten it best I can.......

I left an abusive marriage 14 years ago and remained celibate by choice. No desire for a man whatsoever. A few months ago, I began getting sexual stirrings and feeling lonely.
I joined an online dating site and met the most wonderful man, we hit it off right away.

We had so much in common that it was downright scary. We instant messaged/emailed for 2 weeks and this man kept me in tears from laughter, he was so much fun! We met and still clicked in person. On our 2nd date, I went home with him.

What a disaster! After so many years of no sex (which he knew about up front), I was sooo dry-- even with lube-- and sex was very painful. It took a long time for him to even be able to penetrate. We did manage to climax together and he was very understanding and tender with me.

I didn’t hear from him for 2 days and then it was an email stating all I did wrong that night.
--I kept clamping down on him, vaginally, not allowing entry so that meant I really didn’t
want him.
--I didn’t fondle his penis-- I was in such pain that I couldn’t focus on taking care of his
needs as in fondling him/his penis.
-- I went to bed in my underwear (“Who goes to bed, for sex, with their clothes on?”). I told
him I like to have them taken off, a form of foreplay for me.

I was very hurt by all the criticism but we eventually got it all sorted out. I had to start hormone treatments for my dryness and he was very patient and would wait for me to heal. We saw each other a few more times.

Then, out of the blue, he asked me to move in with him. I told him I wasn’t ready for that and explained how my lifestyle is-- very organized, all of my little idiosyncrasies, and he made fun of me, putting me down, my ways were stupid. That upset me and I told him I didn’t need any more criticism from him. He told me he didn’t want to see me anymore because of my attitude, that he didn‘t think my temper was ‘cute‘ and that I had no reason to be mad! What????!!! So, that was the end.

That was over a month ago. Now, I’m healed and very sexually ready-- it’s all I can think about, like I’m obsessed! I want to get in touch with him again and try again to make things right. I want to show him I am much better in bed than he ever thought of. Plus, I miss him something terrible.

Am I crazy for even wanting to do this?

[leoben]

You aren't crazy, just don't expect things to be different if you end up back together. By putting up with his laundry list of sexual criticism you set a horrible precedent and lost his respect. No amount of fantastic sex will get him to stop being critical of you now, the only thing it might do is keep him calling.

[Cerby]

Sounds like you hit it off while he was still in the "get her in bed" portion of the game. One of the major points in an early relationship is the days that follow the initial sexual encounter.

In this case, him sending you a nasty email telling you everything you did wrong is complete BS and you should have told him "Yea, you're right, I didn't really want you, you sucked too". And then left him.

You were taken by his charm, and turns out he was just a jerk trying to get laid. Find a new guy, a better one.

[Vanessa]

The way I see it, it's not as if you had any kind of life changing relationship with this guy. Do you have deep feelings for him or was the sex mind blowing? You might just be set on contacting him again because of all the criticism he gave you, so you can show him you're not actually like he said. Is it worth it though? I'd say it's not. You don't have to prove yourself to him. If you're eager to start your sex life again, there are plenty of other men out there. Some better, some worse, but at least take a chance and try to find a decent guy. You already know this one's a jerk.

[Benni]

Ya'll are so right! Maybe that's what it is-- my need to prove him wrong about the sex issues. I have few opportunities to meet new people/men and was falling back on someone I already know. I guess I'll have to continue handling my needs myself but I really yearn for a man's touch.

[Vanessa]

You don't ever have to see him again and be reminded of the nasty things he said to you so you'll forget in time. You said you met him through an online dating site, maybe you could try that again and hope for better luck? If you just wanted to have a couple hours of sex I highly doubt you'd have trouble finding a man, show me one who'll turn down an offer to get laid. But I suppose you're looking for more.

[Benni]

Hahahaha! Yes, Vanessa, I'm looking for more. I want a long-term relationship but no live-in situation. I've been independent for way too long to want to live with anyone again. But, the idea of a couple hours of sex does sound appealing right now.

[Hollowfox]

Looks like you went straight back to an abusive relationship and feel like going back again to it too. One where you need to gravel for approvement you'll never get and one where her has the power to break you if he feels like it. Don't go there anymore, it's very self-destructive. You don't have to prove anything to him, you are fine just the way you are and you will make incredible love again to someone who respects you. Who cares what he thinks?
Going back will only make you his little puppet on a string, always hungry for some self-esteem-boosts he'll give you once in a while to keep you going whilst serving him.

[Benni]

Hollowfox, you make some very good points. I thought I had risen above the abuse issues after 14 years of being a strong, independent woman who would take no shit from any man or anyone. Apparently, I'm lapsing right back into previous behavior/feelings that have been a huge no-no for me! I don't understand what has weakened me-- loneliness, maybe? But, I do NOT want to be like that again- ever. I need to straighten up my act and get it together! Thank you!

[Hollowfox]

I'm very relieved that you agree, because it is very hard to see if you're the one smacked in the middle. I'm guessing that you need to get your self-image straight first and keep it straight too when you start seeing someone again. A very hard thing to do, since nothing is more personal than a relationship and nothing can be more destructive than that either. Stay focussed on who you are and try not to get sucked into old patterns. Very hard, but a second opinion, such as you can find here, combined with your obvious common sense, will sure do the trick.

[Benni]

I'm guessing that you need to get your self-image straight first and keep it straight too when you start seeing someone again.

That's what is throwing me for a loop. I had a very strong self-image, lots of confidence and high self-esteem, and falling for this guy undid all of that. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought. Yep! I need to work on that some more.

[Bluesidhe]

I've experienced something similar to your story. I left an abusive relationship 5 years ago but for some reason I keep dating men who exhibit possessive and emotionally abusive behavior. I tell myself I'm choosing men that are the exact opposite of my ex (my ex was blue collar so I'd date an intellectual, etc.) it doesn't matter how "different" they are, the end result is the same.

I don't know what advice to give you because I haven't solved this for myself. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone with this issue. I talk to my therapist and it helps. I'm also putting in more effort to be discerning and really get to know men as friends before allowing myself to become too romantically attracted. Also, never ignore the warning signs. They're always there.

[Hollowfox]

It's very hard, I can relate... It's just that when you fall for someone, you lose all sense of reason and then old enemies like low self-image get a green light if not carefull... I hate falling for someone, because the consequences can get so disastrous due to lack of controll. But we have to keep trying. The nice guys are out there and who knows you should be that lucky...

[Benni]

Thank you Blusidhe and Hollowfox. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this. Ya'll are great!

[amy86]

he sounds just like your ex husband. F*ck him off!