Just need help seeing the situation

[jer1023]

Hmm....it's really difficult to compress this to 5000 characters or less but I'll try.

While in Arizona last July, I met the girl of my dreams. The feeling was mutual. We spent a magical night together, and then kept in touch by texting and calling each other upon my return to DC. She came and visited for a week, and I visited her in October and November for weeks. We truly had something special.

Things got tricky at the beginning of December. I had been planning a trip around Europe, Asia, and Australia since High School. After graduating college, I'm 23 and she is 25, I decided I would use the money I've saved working and leave for 10 months. This was brought to her attention in July, the first time we met, that I would be gone for 10 months beginning in December. She accepted this as she believed we were soul-mates.

The last time we saw each other in November, a number of things were discussed. I offered to cancel my trip, and she refused to allow me to do that. I asked her to be my girlfriend, and she said that would complicate things. She loved me but didn't want to put rules on the relationship, as that would complicate it if either one of us broke one. So we had an open relationship.

3 weeks into the trip I got drunk and made out with a girl in Amsterdam. Feeling guilty, I told her that we needed to re-evaluate our open relationship as I didn't feel comfortable being in one. She asked why, and I told her what happened. She cried, as did I, and we both felt terrible, but moved on.

In order to make this thing work, we decided we would meet once in February (me flying back to DC) to meet her for 10 days, and once in June (her flying to India for a week to meet me). About 8 days before I flew back home to see her, she told me she wasn't ready to see me, and would be canceliing her trip to see me over what had happened in Amsterdam.

This pissed me off not only cause i missed her so much, but also because she waited til I booked the ticket and planned my trip to see her to tell me this. I was frustrated cause she was the one that demanded the open relationship in the first place. We argued, I got depressed, but after 3 weeks moping, moved on, left DC, and flew to Israel.

The day I landed in Israel, somewhat over her not visiting and being gone from my life, she sent me a message saying she made a mistake and should have came. Of course, I was upset it took her until the day I left to realize this, but I still loved her and within a few days it was as if nothing happened.

I loved her so much, and she promised me she wouldn't break my heart again. I apologized for obsessing and being overly depressed over her not visiting, and she admitted guilt as well. I asked if she was still coming in June to India, and she said she couldn't cause she didn't ask off of work in time. This broke my heart, and we both decided to have me come home in July, instead of October, forcing me to cancel lots of places on my itinerary. It was worth it, though.

From March to June, things were great. I was lonely, but I had her on skype and the thought of seeing her helped me through those lonely times.

I booked my ticket to see her June 10th. She was so excited that I would arrive July 6th, and spend 10 days with her including her anniversary. She started counting down and she was so happy and excited I was actually coming.

2 weeks later I recieved a facebook message. Summarizing it, it said "I don't know how to say this. I recently met someone new and my feelings for you have faded. It isn't a good idea for you to come to Phoenix. I am sorry". I was completely dumbfounded. Not only had I spent the previous 8 months counting down to see her, but I also shortened my trip. This message reached me when I got to Hawaii, after flying across the Pacific.

I begged for answers and begged for her to retract her statement. She didn't. She said that it wasn't a new guy, but it was the fact that she couldn't take the pressure of someone moving to Arizona to be with her. She would feel guilt if it didn't work out. She was afraid that I would be heartbroken and get angry like the last time. She couldn't have kids with someone who got depressed and angry when their hearts were broken.

She completely screwed up not only my trip, but the best thing in my life. We saw each other for a day, as my flight was booked to see her. We spent it crying, making love, and laughing, but she still made me leave that night.

Since, I have been somewhat obsessive, insulting her past (she was a dancer), as well as telling her I hate her and to F herself. She did something so selfish to string me on and have me stay loyal to her, and wait until a week before I got home to pull a complete 180 on her decision.

I need advice, please, just what would you do in my situation? My friends are all pretty inexperienced with this kind of stuff, and their advice is just to call her a c*nt and be done with it, which regretably I have, but i am not done with it.

I still love her and miss her so much, despite the fact she's treated me like absolute crap. I'm sorry for the long message but i'm kinda obsessing over this.

[Cerby]

I read the whole thing, and there simply isn't any reason for you to continue. Its over, she made it clear that she didn't want you to be with her anymore, not that you really were, you didn't exactly see each other.

Plus, I mean common, she asked for an open relationship and then threw a fit when you kissed another girl? If I was dating a girl that wanted an open relationship I'd be out sleeping with everything that moved because I had the green light to do so, and if she cried about it, it was her own fault.

This relationship was a wasteful lesson for you. Next step: find someone you can actually see more than once every 8 months.

[Vanessa]

It sounds like she was either never sure of what she wanted or not taking things seriously. It's not ok for her to treat you like a yo-yo, saying she wants to see you one minute and telling you not to come the next. I can't give you any life changing advice. Everyone would say it's best to move on but nobody has precise instructions. All I can say is that it'll get better in time, you won't spend your whole life suffering because of her. There's not much you can do, she's made it clear you two can't be together anymore. Try finding things that bring you comfort, keep yourself busy, be grateful for the good things you have in your life and look forward to what the future holds. At some point in time this will only be a bad memory.

[Dank]

you're far to nice someone better will meet you on the way keep strong!