Advice needed: deep feelings for man with gf..

[Hollowfox]

I'm 27 and taking evening classes for music. Since January we recieved a substitute-teacher, since our regular teacher went on maternity-leave. In the beginning I didn't like the substitute too much, I just thought he was arrogant and a bit trying too hard to be impressive.
But graduately I started to notice good qualities about him and started to find him responsible, caring and incredibly funny. As I became aware of these thoughts, I also learned that he had a (newish) girlfriend, so that made it very easy for me: closed chapter, I didn't even consider anything more with him.

But the schoolyear passed and every class we couldn't help ourselves but engage in deep conversations or laughter. We really enjoyed eachothers company. I knew I had a crush and I knew he felt very friendly toward me, but still, nothing in my mind made me do anything about how I felt. He was taken, end of story.
Untill by the end of the schoolyear a few occasions happened where I could not have been mistaken that he showed sincere interest in me. Although he did not come on to me. He is not the cheating-type, I consider him in fact a very reliable person.

Still, I figured it was just whishfull thinking of my behalf, untill my best friend, who's in her fifties, in class suddenly mentioned to me how good he and I would be together. I was quite surprised to hear about this, since I really tried to hide my feelings.
Turns out she had caught up on feeling from my side a little, but she said it was unmistakable that the substitute had sincere feeling towards me, that is was very clear. But of course that it was also clear that he tried to hide those feelings.

I explained to her that he was taken and that even if he would act on his interest while still in a relationship, I could never trust him in the future in our own relationship. Plus, he seems like the type of guy to me who wants to treat his current gf fair and will want to know he tried everything he could on that current relationship before calling it quits.

Now my friend tells me that she thinks he's just waiting for a clear signal from me. Although I know for sure his current relationship won't last, they're really not a good match, I still have the above concerns.
Plus I will be moving away (1.5 hour drive) in two months and if there is any chance at all with him, I would like to have the time to see what we have, before we have to deal with the long distance-stuff.
To be honest, I've never been interested in anyone since two years and he is really a good match for me. I really have deep feelings for him too, but I am very scared about the whole thing and the fact he has a girlfriend, going well or not, really bothers me

What are your thoughts on this? Should I show him how I feel and make things complicated for him, or should I just wait it out, even if it means I already moved away. Or should I just ask him along on nights out with friends, so we can get to know eachother even better... while of course he still has that gf and I feel like I keep torturing myself... urgh... help?

[Vanessa]

Hm. It's always complicated in situations like these. You haven't spent much time together so I guess neither of you really knows if it's a temporal connection or something deeper. If you really really think there's potential for a relationship, as in you're convinced it's not just a bit of attraction accompanied by the forbidden fruit syndrome, you can try to get him to hang out with you and your group of friends so you can both explore whatever is going on between you. See where things go. But be very careful not to cross the thin line to becoming 'the other girl'. If he's truly a decent guy like you described, if he shares your feelings he'll make sure it's over with his current girlfriend before starting anything with you. I think that's what I would do.

[mylameusername]

I can understand why you would want to tell him before you move because long distance relationships stink, especially for a new relationship, but... I wonder about the kind of situation you put yourself, and him, in by telling him. You said that a school year has passed so I'm guessing he's been in a relationship with this girl for more then 6 months? If he's in a relationship with her still, even if they really aren't a good match, then chances are he has feelings for her. Maybe he has developed, or is developing, some more then friendly feelings for you too. If he is, then things are already complicated for him.

Be honest, after you tell him how you feel, you expect him to make a choice, right? I've never seen anyone in this situation tell the person how they feel without hoping they end their relationship with the other person. Do you know if he is happy with this girl? Is it okay with him that they're different from each other or does he also feel like they are a bad match? Personally, I don't think it is fair to ask someone to leave a relationship that they want to be in. I'm assuming he wants to be with her because well, he is. And if that is the case, and he stays with her, what will happen to your friendship? You can take the risk and it could work out, or you can at least gain closure, but realize that your friendship may get awkward.

I suggest that you wait it out. If he decides that he'd rather be with you and he is an honest guy, then he wouldn't stay with another girl. That would not be fair or respectful to her or to himself. If you hang out with him, do it in groups. One on one get to others will be more tempting. Try not to flirt or spend too much time talking just with him. Keep things platonic. His girlfriend will get suspicious and you don't want to become the "other girl". More importantly though, it would be disrespectful to their relationship for you to act on your feelings. As his friend, try to respect his relationship regardless of your feelings. I realize how agonizing that is, but he is choosing to be in that relationship, he must care for her. If not and he's in it anyway, then you are probably better off without him.

I hope things work out for you and that I was helpful.

[Hollowfox]

Hm. It's always complicated in situations like these. You haven't spent much time together so I guess neither of you really knows if it's a temporal connection or something deeper. If you really really think there's potential for a relationship, as in you're convinced it's not just a bit of attraction accompanied by the forbidden fruit syndrome, you can try to get him to hang out with you and your group of friends so you can both explore whatever is going on between you. See where things go. But be very careful not to cross the thin line to becoming 'the other girl'. If he's truly a decent guy like you described, if he shares your feelings he'll make sure it's over with his current girlfriend before starting anything with you. I think that's what I would do.

You make an excellent point about the amount of time we spent together. I am convinced that he is a person I could have a long lasting relationship with and it's not just some attraction. Of course, I can't speak for him, but according to my friend it is very obvious he feels the same way. To be honest, I got that vibe too, so I think that's nothing to worry about anymore, but indeed important to have figured out. I also asked myself if I didn't do it on purpose, because he's taken and in that way safe, since I have trouble trusting a man, but that is not the case here either. It really bites that he has a gf. I definitely do not want to end up as the other girl, never in my life and that is of course why I need a second opinion, so I won't cross that line. I think indeed hanging out in group some more, see if it goes anywhere, is the best idea. I think you might be right that if we are good enough together, he'll end things with his gf anyway. Good advice, much appreciated.

I can understand why you would want to tell him before you move because long distance relationships stink, especially for a new relationship, but... I wonder about the kind of situation you put yourself, and him, in by telling him. You said that a school year has passed so I'm guessing he's been in a relationship with this girl for more then 6 months? If he's in a relationship with her still, even if they really aren't a good match, then chances are he has feelings for her. Maybe he has developed, or is developing, some more then friendly feelings for you too. If he is, then things are already complicated for him.

He is indeed with this girl for over six months. My guess is about eight or so. He is not the type to fool around, so his intentions with her are honorable and I think it would be weird if he didn't have feelings for her of course. But I do know for sure that his feelings for me are more than friendly. I just didn't think about it that it already is complicated for him... that's something to consider indeed and maybe I shouldn't show him anything, since he's is already struggling with the issue.

Be honest, after you tell him how you feel, you expect him to make a choice, right? I've never seen anyone in this situation tell the person how they feel without hoping they end their relationship with the other person. Do you know if he is happy with this girl? Is it okay with him that they're different from each other or does he also feel like they are a bad match? Personally, I don't think it is fair to ask someone to leave a relationship that they want to be in. I'm assuming he wants to be with her because well, he is. And if that is the case, and he stays with her, what will happen to your friendship? You can take the risk and it could work out, or you can at least gain closure, but realize that your friendship may get awkward.

I would never directly tell him, but show him he has options. Of course I would hope for him to chose me, but I'm realistic that that might even never happen. He is not happy with his girl. She is an confirmation-addict, smuthers him and is always kranky. She's a bit of a drama-queen and the way he talks about her makes it look as if they were married for fourty years (and not happily). He doesn't disrespect her, but you can tell he grows really tired of her behaviour. She is also a whole lot younger, she's only 20. If this were any other relationship, I'ld still not expect for it to work out. I'm not so concerned about the friendship. If I move away, my friendships from here will most likely fade away in time, so if he's not sticking around for anything more serious, I'll probably hardly ever see him again anyway.

I suggest that you wait it out. If he decides that he'd rather be with you and he is an honest guy, then he wouldn't stay with another girl. That would not be fair or respectful to her or to himself. If you hang out with him, do it in groups. One on one get to others will be more tempting. Try not to flirt or spend too much time talking just with him. Keep things platonic. His girlfriend will get suspicious and you don't want to become the "other girl". More importantly though, it would be disrespectful to their relationship for you to act on your feelings. As his friend, try to respect his relationship regardless of your feelings. I realize how agonizing that is, but he is choosing to be in that relationship, he must care for her. If not and he's in it anyway, then you are probably better off without him.

I hope things work out for you and that I was helpful.

I believe you're right. I will maybe try to get him to hang out with me, in group, more. Just to enjoy eachothers company, not to hit on him. I should indeed not make things worse for him by putting him on the spot and telling him how I feel, nor should I try to break him up specificly. I'll take both your advise and just go with the flow. If he like me enough and he realises his current relationship has no future, he will automaticly break up with his gf and come for me.

Thank sguys, now I feel a little less crazy and I feel a lot calmer about the whole thing now I know what I have to do (or don't do )