Cant , and dont want to move on.

[613guy]

Ok well heres my story maybe some of you can relate.

I met my ex 4 and a half years ago, we fell in love with each other, it was awsome. I had relationships before and though i new what love was, but this was somtihng else it was the real deal we were great together, life seemed so much better, brighter somehow, like all my life before that was dark and i finnaly understood what love was.
We moved intogether after a few months.Times were tough but our love made everything better, we moved to differnt provences, went through tough times finacially, and family wise.
We were alone in the world however, nethier of our family are normal(drugs, disconnection,ext) so more than just a relationship were were like each others only supports in life, she needed it and so did I.
After a few years things started to get...odd. I all of the sudden and out of the blew started having panic attacks for no reason, i wasen super stressed or anythign, i dunno i think its genetic or somthing. So i went to the doc and was perscribed a anti anxziety medecation...this is were the problems started.
I was not a huge drinker but a few times a month id go to the pub, play some pool ,chill with my boys have, guy time i gusee.
It was after i was perscribed this medecation that i noticed my mood would change if i drank alcohol, and somtimes wen i was sober.Weird mood swings and stuff, and eventually i started having black outs and coming home and being...scary to her.
I couldent remeber a thing i ahd done but id wake up and she would fill me in, i pushed her a few times, called her names, was really angry, one time i threw a tv across the room, broke stuff , tottaly not my personality.
I tried to get off the meds but they are like the worst things to stop taking after you start and i need them for my condition.
It broke my heart at what i did to her, she was and still is my everything, so i tried not drinking, found it hard to do, not at home but when i was out with friends. The blackouts continued and obviously this tooma toll on our relationship, she didnt see me the same way, she always reemberd the way i would get wen i went out.
I didnt know what to do, i didnt want this to continue but i nned to socialize and alcohole is everywere.
Anyway she started going out with somenew friend that she met through me, and doing her own thing, wich i think is healthy somtimes, but as she did this she also started hanging out at this store e(painball store, im a huge fan) with my buddys gf/ her best friend at the time.
One of the owners of this store, started tking them out all the time both od them, i figured it was just frineds going out ext.
Well i was naive, the fights got worse and more frequent, and eventually she told me she had enough and we were breaking up for good.
This is were it gets really awful, we had 3 months left on our lease and we had to both pay rent till it was over...so we had to live together, me now on the couch in the living room , and her in the bedroom.It was very awkward but heres the kicker....the guy from the store starts picking her up and taking her out,"hes ust a friend and i need one right now " is what shed say, well im not that stupid i new this guy was obviously moving in and being a sholder to vry on and show me up, as he has moremoney and can wine and dine her better than i can.THEN he startw spending the night in OUR old bedroomm sleeping on OUR bed while im in the efing livng room on the couch!!! She said he satayed there b3cause she was afraid of me coming home form going oht with my friends, witch i could understand(by this point i was also getting help for the drinking mixed with my meds problem).
But can you imagine this girl you love with all your heart sleeping in the next room with a 43 year old fat man , in your bed in your room while your on the couch?!
Eventually we moved into differnt places(about five months ago) and she started offically dating this older guy, my heart was already broken but now its deystroyed, theres no way she coming back i cried about it( ill admit0 for months , tried dating but just wasnt tdoing it for me, i wanted her back, i wanted things to go back to before i got put on these stupid pills.
few days ago she calls me up saying things arnt working with this guy, and she dosent know what to do, and she really needs a friend , and that shes planning on moving back to calgary to live with her sis. She comes over and we talk, she says she needs a place to stay for a while, i offer my place thinking maybe we can at least be friends and maybe just maybe we might get back together, my heart was soaring i felt great, it was like a fresh start, just seeing her made me happy and she admitted she really missed me to.
We sleped together and thigns were getting great again, we were lauging , flirting just like wen we first met, i knew she still wanted to mov3 to calgary but i figured this was a good way to at least say goodbye and it was nice not to be alone3, i relised how much i loved her, also it started in the back of my mind to dawn on me that if she left we may never see each other again.
So this went on for about 5 days, she called her ex to get her stuff picked up,...then it was to talk with him...then they spent the day together, again this hurt bad but we wernt back together officaily so i was not happy about it but i didnt tell her because i didnt want to seem clingy or anything , and freak her out.
So the night she went out i went out also......fml bad mistake, by now i had switched to a slightly differnt medication that dosent react as bad with alcohole unlees you drink like a lot of it. Well i had a few beers and then my buddy pulls out some wisky...yea..i came home a wee bit drunk but still stable not blacking out or anyhing, she tells me she going to see him again tommorow, and i got kinda pissed, why is she staying with me, if shes gonna see this other guy and get back together with him or whatevger shes doing, i got angry said some stuff about him ,l, and her, insulted her ext. i woke up and she had alre3ady texted him he was picking her up that moring, not agian! i told her i was sorry for the night before but she said it was to late, i started crying i beeged her not to go( i know pathertic) i didnt want it to end like this, i wanted to have a good time with her untill she left, i love this girl and we have such a history. she cried to and we hugged for a few hours i looked her in the eyes and told her how sorry i was for all the bad nights, she said she knows and she still wants to kkep me as a friend, on facebook and talk to each other, we held each other both crying over our lost love, and (for me) out of the frustration of this stupid medication.

Then she left with him and he took hwer to her cuz, till she leaves for calgary, hes says he want to move ther 2 but hes a huge lier and i know hes just using her for as long as he can.

So its been five days since then and i am.....utterly deysroyed emotionally, iv spent the last five months getting over our break up and this just made it much worse because i relise what i have lost. my frineds tell me move on..well i dot want to, i love this woman with everything i am, i cant be with anyone else, and i know if cercumstanses were right we could have a amzing life together. but shes leaving in a few days and i havent left my house for 5 days since she left, iv been falling apart, littlerally its horrible i cant describe it, i sont want to live with out her, the usualll move on, get over it shit dosent work for me.

anybody been through similar situation? i dont know whats gonna happen but id like to hear some feed back, advice, whatever.

thanks and sorry the msg is soooo long, and sorry for my typing mistakes.

[613guy]

thanks for the reply man even though it got deleted , we swear a lot in Canada lol, it helped thanks again man!