What compatability makes for the best long term relationship?

[Phoenix23]

I've found you've got two kinds of relationships, however I'm not sure what would be best long term.

1. Opposites attract. You have the capacity to be very strong together as a complimentary force, each making the other stronger when you work together, but the fact that you are two fundamentally different kinds of people also makes for a much higher possibility of conflict. What can be a great positive force can just as easily turn destructive if not managed properly and worked at.

2. Likes attract. You are more like best friends who want to do everything together.


Or is there a third option, that ultimate bond between two individuals, where you can be complimentary opposites yet still close and similar enough you are like friends who want to do everything together?

I'm almost inclined to say that the third option is what an opposites relationship will look like if the individuals can find a center meeting point and get in sync around that.
It's when they don't get in sync around common ground that the relationship becomes explosive.




I guess I'm looking for some perspective because I'm trying to decide if my current relationship can last. We are opposites, but the relationship has more highs and lows of volatility, because she isn't as emotionally stable as others I've been with before and I've found it harder to find common ground in interests with her compared with others.

Although I believe if we can get things in sync we'll be very strong together, I wonder if that is even possible at this point.

I have other friends who are girls that are sometimes just more of a joy to be around because we get each other better, we have more of the same expectations and interests.

[VincenzoG91]

There are different kinds of opposites. I think that it's important to have shared goals and values, but other traits can be opposites, like an introvert with an extrovert. Without shared goals and values, you would end up fighting over the really big issues, like getting married and having kids.

[HeartIsAching]

Personally, I think the "opposites attract" thing has little to offer long-term. If you've got little or no common interests, little or not common ground, what do you have to talk about?

My wife and I are very alike in most ways, with a few fundamental differences. I mean, she likes root beer... ewwww...

Oh, and she hates confrontation and I like it too much.

[MaidenMinx]

I think it really depends on what the differences are. I'm over- emotional, generally pessimistic and highly spiritual. My husband expresses very little, is an optimist and an agnositic (he says atheist but I've seen the spark of curiosity when I'm discussing spirituality with others).
We both love music, our tastes meeting at heavy metal and a lot of it's sub-genres though we are both open to learning what each other likes about music we don't like. We both love a concert and try to get to atleast one concert a year. We both love to read and we have other complementary interests like him enjoying card tricks and me enjoying balloon modelling, so we both enjoy certain types of stores. We both enjoy art.

As you can see I focus on our similarities rather than our differences.

[Phoenix23]

Well the more I think about it, the more I think that the real problem is not so much compatibility as it is different maturity and some emotional issues she hasn't worked out yet - Which manifest in a way that makes our differences become more pronounced, not allowing us to get closer on the common ground and develop it long enough before we end up getting into a conflict again.

I guess in my experience there are less likely to be problems arising from different maturity levels if you've got a lot in common.
Although, now that I think about it... That's probably not the case either. Because there was one girl I was once with who I had a ton in common with, but because of her broken emotional state she allowed our differences to drive us apart instead of focusing on letting our similarities bring us together.

back to the one I'm with now:
She has severe trust issues combined with a lack of confidence in herself, having been hurt in past relationships. It makes it difficult to get close before she's pushing me away again by either taking what I say the wrong way, being untrusting when I talk about hanging out with platonic female friends, making assumptions she should know better than to make by now, or even going so far as to accuse me of not really wanting to be with her.
I'd love for this to work out, but without an internal change on her part I'm not sure it can.

[kageri]

You need to have some differences but the opposites attract idea is flawed. Opposite personalities tend to just argue because both people want to do something different and they are never thinking about things in the same way. One person often ends up not trusting the other because the other person is more laid back about things and doesn't realize when they do something that might stress their partner. Any type of complete opposite in the personalities (cleanliness, sexual interests, emotional closeness, extrovert/introvert....) can lead to major arguments. The more of these you have and the worse communication you have the more likely you are to end up with a bad relationship. Of course there are times when being too alike causes arguments but not nearly as often. People who are very similar tend to just come to the same conclusions without needing the same level of communication to settle every little thing. My husband and I discuss very little. Generally we both reach the same conclusion and choices at the same time. Marriage is always the biggest example because it was not a big proposal event or worrisome moment. The topic came up, we sort of shrugged at each other, and the next month it was done. His moving in to my house was no different. He started not leaving at night and around the same day he was getting ready to complain about the time it took to drive to his place and then to work I told him there was an empty set of bathroom drawers and dresser for him. We never get to the discussion and complaint part because our thought processes and cultural views are so similar both people realize something needs to be done and agree on what before either has to say anything. In 3 years we have rarely argued. I doubt you could even say we have had a full argument. We've had moments when we got annoyed and each made a comment to each other. Then we move on and within an hour it's forgotten because it wasn't a big enough argument to think about. Love was hard and I was set on never getting married and probably never having a serious relationship again instead of just fun until I met someone who thinks exactly the same way as me.

[Phoenix23]

One person often ends up not trusting the other because the other person is more laid back about things and doesn't realize when they do something that might stress their partner.

That's the case here often.

Any type of complete opposite in the personalities (cleanliness, sexual interests, emotional closeness, extrovert/introvert....) can lead to major arguments.

I don't think that's as much of a problem.

The more of these you have and the worse communication you have the more likely you are to end up with a bad relationship. Of course there are times when being too alike causes arguments but not nearly as often. People who are very similar tend to just come to the same conclusions without needing the same level of communication to settle every little thing. My husband and I discuss very little. Generally we both reach the same conclusion and choices at the same time. Marriage is always the biggest example because it was not a big proposal event or worrisome moment. The topic came up, we sort of shrugged at each other, and the next month it was done. His moving in to my house was no different. He started not leaving at night and around the same day he was getting ready to complain about the time it took to drive to his place and then to work I told him there was an empty set of bathroom drawers and dresser for him. We never get to the discussion and complaint part because our thought processes and cultural views are so similar both people realize something needs to be done and agree on what before either has to say anything. In 3 years we have rarely argued. I doubt you could even say we have had a full argument. We've had moments when we got annoyed and each made a comment to each other. Then we move on and within an hour it's forgotten because it wasn't a big enough argument to think about. Love was hard and I was set on never getting married and probably never having a serious relationship again instead of just fun until I met someone who thinks exactly the same way as me.

I can tend to not be very communicative, so I think that is really probably something I need.

I try to be communicative and can when I make the effort, but she isn't that always that communicative, and we both have trouble understanding each other or seeing things from the other's perspective.

Although because I'm more laid back and understanding it doesn't really bother me. She tends to be the one who starts the arguments over misunderstandings.

[Phoenix23]

I'm torn about what to do at this point.
I've got conflicting feelings of love, and seeing what we COULD be together; combined with a realization that this relationship can never work out in its current state.

I think our issues have less to do with compatibility differences than it does being at different maturity levels which makes the differences hard to resolve.

She has a lot of emotional baggage she hasn't learned to let go of yet. She has issues of trust from being cheated on. The idea of me even talking with female friends can upset her. She has issues of self confidence which make her constantly doubt how I feel about her or the fact that I would like for the relationship to go somewhere serious eventually once I'm sure it will work.
She is in state of mind where she will actually sometimes take what I say completely out of context or read into it what her mind expects I was saying rather than what I actually said and meant, and then once she becomes upset by that she can be impossible to reason with until she calms down.

The relatinoship has high highs but low lows, constantly going back and forth.

Although I do think we'd be strong together as a couple, I don't think she's ready for it, and this saddens me because there's nothing I can really do to change her to bring out the best in her. Actually there is one thing I know can change people like that and do it fairly quickly; A relationship with christ. But she's only a nominal believer at this point, with no relationship that I know of.

I was originally guarded towards her in our relationship because I didn't want to get too close and get her hopes up only to realize later it wasn't gong to work out. I fear I may have already done that, so if I do have to break it off it will devastate her. Which I really don't want to do.

[Raul87]

I believe opposites are the most fun in the short term, you have different opinions and things to talk about. But in the long-term, you end up getting fed up of eachother because you're so uncompatible. You don't like to watch the same movies, don't like to listen to the same music, don't like to do the same things, don't agree or things. It just causes strife once the novelty is gone.