Getting over it...

[forgotten]

I would probably have to start from the beginning for anyone to be able to give any advice as to how I am supposed to get over everything that has happened.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years now and he asked me to marry him several months ago, but we're still paying off the ring and he asked me at the worst time possible, so he's going to do a real proposal at some point.

Anyway, our relationship had started out pretty strangely. He has severe OCD and tends/tended (?) to use that to control others, which I, regrettably, allowed him to do to me. Because I hadn't met anyone that I care for enough to be intimate with before that time, I was a virgin when I met him. We dated for 8 months before we had sex the first time, which was not my choice. He was very strange about me being a virgin. The night that I lost my virginity was not at all an enjoyable one for me, though I pretended otherwise for ages. It was around 4 in the morning on my birthday. He was playing a violent war video game and I wanted to go to sleep. Those games always gave me horrible dreams if I slept while he was playing them, so I stopped trying to. I asked him several times to turn it off so we could to go bed because I was exhausted. Finally, he went off on me. Said that I didn't know what he had planned, yada yada yada, and walked out to another part of the house. I sat there for a long time, utterly bewildered, and then went and apologized, said that I was tired and was going to bed. After a while, he came in and said that he had planned on having sex with me, then asked if I wanted to. Really, after the way he acted, I was tempted to say 'No, when you can be nice about, sure, but not after all of that.", but I said yes. After that he literally pulled off his pants, put on a condom, and shoved it in. No foreplay, no kissing, no lube, nothing. It was more painful than it had to be and I was torn up pretty bad. It took a while to heal up.

After that, our sex life was still very strange. He couldn't have an orgasm because of a mixture of the condom and intimacy issues. He acted like sex was a chore, even though he always jerked off to porn and got off afterward and claimed that I was just using him as a dildo even though the majority of the sex was centered around pleasing him. He frequently blamed me and lashed out at me because of this.

Then he had been unfaithful about 2 and a half years ago. We had had an argument because all of the signs were there that he was being unfaithful. Instead of talking to me about it, he went to say goodbye to some friends, so I drove off. He thought I was leaving him instead of just going to my sister's to calm down. So, he slept with some random woman. When I got home after 2 in the morning and he wasn't there, I knew what he was doing and considered leaving before he got home, but I stayed because I had to be sure he was okay. He didn't get back until after 5 am.

I ended up staying with him, obviously, even though he had treated me very horribly for some time after that. He had been much better to me for a while now. I'm not really sure how long, but then I got pregnant. When I told him, he went right back to treating me horribly for three days, until it was too much and I ended up in a mental institute. After that, he visited me and was being much better again and had even become very happy about the prospect of having a child.

Then, a few days ago, he decided to confess that he had been sending messages to women and had even gone out on dates with them while we were together. The very same women that I suspected he was being unfaithful with. I had been spot on all along. I had every reason to suspect that he was being unfaithful and he talked me into blaming myself for him sleeping with that woman that night two and a half years ago. He claims even now that he did nothing with them. He said that he didn't even hold hands of kiss any of them. I'm having a hard time believing that.

When he told me this, he blamed the strained sexual relationship that we had at the time.

I looked at the messages and it all started six days before my birthday. Six days before we had ever had sex. Keep in mind that we had waited that long because he wanted to. I pointed this out to him and all he could basically do was stand there looking ashamed.

I think about it and it seems like I should be able to feel better about all of this because he's been so much better to me lately. He seems to have actually changed, but he had said that he had changed before and had gone right back to being horrible and abusive. It felt better blaming myself for him cheating that once than knowing that he was being unfaithful that whole time.

I'm pregnant and devastated and I just don't know if I can get through this, but I thought that maybe someone would be able to give some suggestions that would help me work through this and move on.

Thank you.

[Wakeup]

Leave him. Call your family and tell them how abusive he is, how he does not value you, how he cheated on you and ask for their help. You do have a mother and father I presume. Surely one of them will help you?

If you have no parents that you feel safe fleeing to then call Social Services in your area and tell them everything you wrote in your opening post and ask them to help you disengage yourself from this man and if they can direct you to a therapist that can help you with your own confidence and self worth.

The relationship you're in is not based on love. Neither of you love one another, rather its based on fear and codependency. Your first step is to garner the strength to overcome your fear of not being with the man that keeps you captive.