Advice needed - Trust issue :(

[juddyau]

Hey all
As I posted in the introduce yourself section, I have been in a loving relationship with my girl for 18 months (I moved interstate away from everyone and work away 2weeks on 2weeks off), however due to my own, I guess, self-confidence issues (never confessed always tried to act confident) I've been emailing an old female friend - never to actually achieve anything, not so much to feed my ego.. I'm not that kind of guy.. not quite sure why though.

In any case, my girlfriend found out I didn't have a driver's licence, and when I had a car accident for some reason or other she checked my phone (I'm guessing because of the other lie). I've had anxiety issues and have been a bit boozy lately. I'm a triathlete and due to being injured haven't been able to train and just been a bit down. In any case upon checking the phone she found a few texts (which were harmless ones really and misinterpreted), but found a message on my facebook between myself and this particular old friend. During a time where I temporarily was back in my home state to consider our relationship I asked this girl if she would ever go out on a date (at the time I was undecided if we were going to be together anymore).

Our relationship did improve though, so no more was done on my part, but I never thought to delete anything really. Just to set the record straight, I never did, or considered cheating on her at all. I have had that done to me and wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but she broke up with me over the trust issue.

I actually want to make a change in my life and be honest and open with her - I've since gone on medication to help with anxiety and am staying away from the booze - so I know I can do the right thing.

We do still love each other and have decided to give it a try, but we obviously need to work together to help the relationship back to where it should be, and we have been happy in the past so that's not an issue. She says she feels a bit numb and betrayed.

I know now everything is in the open that there will be no issue on my part with working this along, but maybe some advice or insight as to how she may be interpreting this or how she may be thinking? I've laid the blame on the messages completely on myself so there has been no attacking her about it or making her feel inadequate, quite the opposite - I've told her that she's the one I can see myself spending the rest of my life with.

I know this is long, but its a convoluted one!
Cheers if you managed to stay awake reading this.
J

[rafterman]

1) Well your first mistake is contacting that girl via email. Although you meant no harm buy it, insecure women dont see it that way.
2) Facebook is evil. I loath it.
3) Stay off the booze.
4) Seems like your in damage control. Just start repairing your relationship and prove to her that you are sincere.

[juddyau]

1. Yeah, I guess I should have seen that one coming - but the trouble is I didn't see her as insecure she's quite a confident person, but I've since now found it it's a facade for something deeper which is cool with me.. Just didn't know.
2. Agreed. I'm beginning to feel that way about facebook too.. it just seems to cause issues!
3. Yes
4. The problem is, I'm not sure where to start.. it's hard when you're interstate, I usually reside over there though.. I'm not sure at this point we should keep bringing it up, maybe just continue life as normal and let her discuss it is she feels like doing so? Otherwise might just keep her thinking about it. Not quite sure where to start the reparation... Just want to reinforce that she is the only one I wanted and not anyone else... and that she can trust me now she knows everything.

Thanks for the reply - it's kind of a strange situation in that there was no intent to cheat on my behalf but was perceived that way..

[rafterman]

I was in a similar situation. Told my ex that I ran into this girl I knew in Brisbane, and next minute WW 3 breaks out. Sometimes the "What they dont know, wont hurt them" policy comes into play.
Send her some flowers or a gift and keep up the ,email phone calls etc. In relation to FB if you want to read something funny go to these sites and have a laugh....1. what the facebook...2. lamebook
What do you do for a job can I ask?

[juddyau]

Yeah it was a bit like that.. You don't know till war erupts.. but anyway.. we're talking about topics other than what happened and trying to move on it seems.. but as I said I'll let her bring it up if/when she needs to and really listen this time. Yes.. agreed sometimes too MUCH honesty can get you into trouble.
Well I'm going to KL next week so might see whether I can get her a nice pair of shoes or something.. if they even have them in her size .
Alright I'll check them out.
I work in HSE on a mine site in WA.

[rafterman]

I had a feeling you were in the mines by your roster. Im a Diesel fitter in QLD mines. Good $$$ but straining on relationships.

[juddyau]

Definitely hard.. she's pretty good because she's got things to keep her occupied and the roster is much better now than the 8/6 i was on.. What you on?

[rafterman]

Definitely hard.. she's pretty good because she's got things to keep her occupied and the roster is much better now than the 8/6 i was on.. What you on?

I work for a subbie. Depending on the site it varies.7/7;4/4 not bad. Yeah I have a cousin that works in the pilbara for Rio as a planner. He shops around and jumps ship alot to get good rosters and $$$. Rio fly him from melbourne.

[juddyau]

Wouldn't mind that.. I do salary sacrifice flights. This has turned into a mining thread hasn't it!

[rafterman]

Well yes a little. But I can understand your predicament because of OUR jobs. Its hard to be there for someone when your not physically there, especially if theres been a bit of "stormy weather". Can you talk to her on skype?

[juddyau]

All good mate. Yes it can straining, but we do it for one reason only really. Yeah just had a chat on the phone, basically just asked where I could support her better etc and as you say it's about proving you're sincere about it.

[rafterman]

And what was her reaction when asked that? Did she sound happy that you were showing you cared about her etc. Thats a good roster but 2/2. Dont worry if we go off topic, no ones jumped on us yet. Moderation is good on this forum.

[juddyau]

She seemed okay with it, I've basically just said that I won't keep bringing it up, so when and if you want to talk about it I'm here to do so rather than keep harping on about it, it's all about moving forward right?
8/6 is good if you live in WA, but I don't so the constant flying back and forth across to the east made life a bit hard, because I was only getting 5 days at home, 2 weeks away is hard, but the 2 at home is good.
Not sure if that's the right way to play it, but who ever does in this game, right?

[rafterman]

Yeah my cousin started off in melbourne, on a 8/6, and found the same thing as you. So he moved to Perth (Rio funded). Then had to move back to melbourne, then he was 7/7, but travel in work time. He seems to be able to negotiate a bit with rio and they come to the party......Yeah dont mention the subject of other girls. I think time will heal that wound. Are you on shift ATM?

[juddyau]

Rio seem pretty good with that, mind they are a lot bigger than the company I work for. I guess it depends on your position and 'hierarchy' within the company too. Yeh, no discussion about other girls, quite frankly I'm not interested in anyone but her anyway!
Not at the moment, got break until 24/8 - Going away on Wed morning O/S for a few days.. be a good break I think. You on swing?