How do I tell him I'm not Jewish?

[runningto]

About 6 months ago, my cousin invited me to a party a Jewish organization she belongs to was having. I had nothing better to do so I went. I met a guy there and we spent some time together afterwards and began dating 3 months ago. We have gone on 7 official dates. Last weekend, my cousin commented on how nice it is that I am dating a "nice Jewish boy." It was only then that it hit: me being Jewish is probably a major factor for him.

THE PROBLEM: I'm not Jewish. I was raised in a Jewish family, but about 7 years ago, I stopped observing Judaism. It was a personal decision that was based on some feelings I have about religion. I basically do not want to belong to one. I do not consider myself Jewish or observe Jewish holidays, traditions, customs, etc... I am a very spiritual person who believes in G-d and I pray to Him at least once a day. My family has no idea that I "gave up" Judaism. I just pretend with them that I am still observant.

The guy I am dating is Conservative Jewish and really passionate about Israel. He lived in Israel for several years, is involved in pro-Israel activism and visits Israel every year. I don't know how to reveal to him now that I'm not Jewish since it's been 6 months. He obviously assumed I was since I was at the party and it never occurred to me that me being Jewish might be a major thing for him since religious affiliation in a guy I'm dating is such a non-issue for me.

What do I do now? I have no idea how to tell him after all this time.

[Cerby]

Try the roundabout approach, ask him if he has ever dated a non-jewish girl before you. Play stupid to the fact and act like it was no big deal.

The truth is, if this IS a big deal for him, the relationship is over. Hiding it will only delay it longer, but he WILL find out. Waste no more time, just make it seem like it was such a nothing issue to you that you just never brought it up.

Plus, after 6 months you think you two would have talked about faith, this might not be an issue for him either.

[vashti]

If you were born Jewish, you ARE still Jewish, at least until you convert to another religion (and even then, according to the Orthodox, you would still be Jewish, albeit a "bad" Jew). If you were raised in a Jewish house, I am quite surprised you don't know this. (This is one of the most basic thoughts in Judaism, and the fact that you didn't know this indicates you have no significant Jewish educational background.) You need not be observant, nor do you need to be dogmatic about any belief to be considered Jewish. (Judaism is not a faith-based system, so LOTS of Jews are agnostic, and even atheist.) You would be considered a non-observant (or secular) Jew. Israel is teaming with non-observant Jews, so that won't be a problem, I wouldn't think.

I suggest you learn more about your religion - and the wide variety of "beliefs" in encompasses - before you make any decisions about anything. If this guy is important to you, you should want to do this, and if you need help in figuring out how to do this, send me a private message, and I can hook you up.

In the meantime, if he is conservative, he likely keeps kosher and you will have to decide if you are willing to accommodate this.

And yes - especially if he is Israeli, it will probably be very important to him that you are Jewish.

[devonbrown]

I think vashti made some really important points here.

I am wondering how you have been dating this guy for six months and some aspect of this HASN'T come up. If he is conservative, and his religion is that important to him, I would have thought something would have come up at some point. A show happening on a day that he wouldn't want to go. A food concern. Something... It makes me wonder how serious you are with the guy.

Good luck.

[HeartIsAching]

You never told him you were Jewish? So you haven't lied, except by omission, and by your account that was accidental.

Before you go making assumptions about his feelings, ask him. He may have noticed that he never sees you at Synagogue. He might be even be ok with it if you tell him that you have a personal relationship with God and don't feel that you need a go-between. Maybe I'm wrong there - but you'll never know if you don't ask.

I'd suggest talking to HIM about this.

[Incognito]

If you were born Jewish, you ARE still Jewish, at least until you convert to another religion (and even then, according to the Orthodox, you would still be Jewish, albeit a "bad" Jew). If you were raised in a Jewish house, I am quite surprised you don't know this. (This is one of the most basic thoughts in Judaism, and the fact that you didn't know this indicates you have no significant Jewish educational background.) You need not be observant, nor do you need to be dogmatic about any belief to be considered Jewish. (Judaism is not a faith-based system, so LOTS of Jews are agnostic, and even atheist.) You would be considered a non-observant (or secular) Jew. Israel is teaming with non-observant Jews, so that won't be a problem, I wouldn't think.

I suggest you learn more about your religion - and the wide variety of "beliefs" in encompasses - before you make any decisions about anything. If this guy is important to you, you should want to do this, and if you need help in figuring out how to do this, send me a private message, and I can hook you up.

In the meantime, if he is conservative, he likely keeps kosher and you will have to decide if you are willing to accommodate this.

And yes - especially if he is Israeli, it will probably be very important to him that you are Jewish.

Hopefully I don't take us off topic, but isn't there a difference between being Jewish (as in an ethnic group) and being Jewish (as in a practicer of Judiasm)? I find it hard to believe that someone could say that they were Jewish (speaking of religion), yet be an atheist. That would be an oxymoron. Unless you're speaking of people who still observe all of the various traditions but don't believe in God. I'm sure that there are plenty of people in that category, but I hardly think that means that Judaism isn't a faith based religion. Religion and faith go hand in hand.

[vashti]

Hopefully I don't take us off topic, but isn't there a difference between being Jewish (as in an ethnic group) and being Jewish (as in a practicer of Judiasm)? I find it hard to believe that someone could say that they were Jewish (speaking of religion), yet be an atheist. That would be an oxymoron. Unless you're speaking of people who still observe all of the various traditions but don't believe in God. I'm sure that there are plenty of people in that category, but I hardly think that means that Judaism isn't a faith based religion. Religion and faith go hand in hand.

No they don't, at least not in Judaism, and what I said is 100% accurate, which I know because I am Jewish, have sat on a temple board, and have worked in Jewish education. YOu are basing your ideas about religion on a Christian model, which IS faith-based (meaning if you don't believe in Jesus, you aren't Christian). Judaism is a law-based religion, where behavior is elevated, and belief is very secondary - it may be a desired attribute, but it isn't necessary, not by any branch of Judaism. And I personally know a few atheist rabbis (there is a whole branch of Judaism that is atheist), and I believe that the majority of Reform rabbis, and MANY conservative rabbis are agnostic.

[MaidenMinx]

Interesting. I am suddenly wanting to educate myself further about Judaism.

[KingZ]

Interesting. I am suddenly wanting to educate myself further about Judaism.

Don't bother. It's a waste of time.

Vashti isn't really Jewish because she wasn't born Jewish. You can't convert to Judaism because belief has nothing to do with being Jewish. What's mostly required is giving Israel your money.

[Sonrisa]

it's really the same as starting going to a black church and calling yourself an african-american

[MaidenMinx]

Oh when I say I'd like to learn more it's only to further educate myself.

I just had my mum tell me today that if she could afford to she'd have the genetic tests to see if we have Jewish DNA done as our ancestors left Prussia in the 1700's and we have what is often called a "Jewish sounding surname". (Wiegold for those interested)

[Riggs]

He will consider you Jewish but if he is religious and you're not you might as well end it. I'm the same as you and I disagree with Vashti. Judaism is a faith, that is all. you are what you want to be. If you're not Jewish, than you're not Jewish. I was raised Jewish. I had a bar mitzvah.... I'm not Jewish.

[MaidenMinx]

it's really the same as starting going to a black church and calling yourself an african-american

That reminds me of the comment I've heard before...
Going to church doesn't make you Christian just like standing in a garage doesn't make you a car.

[vashti]

it's really the same as starting going to a black church and calling yourself an african-american

Actually, saying you aren't Jewish when you have a Jewish mother is more like a white person going to a black church and denying they are white, at least according to Jewish law.

I'm the same as you and I disagree with Vashti. Judaism is a faith, that is all. you are what you want to be. If you're not Jewish, than you're not Jewish. I was raised Jewish. I had a bar mitzvah.... I'm not Jewish.

There isn't a rabbi in the world who would agree, and what I say is not a matter of opinion. It's jewish law. I don't happen to agree that it SHOULD be a law, but it is. But feel free to categorize yourself however you choose. Just know that Hitler would have considered both you and the original poster Jewish enough for the ovens because he understood jewish law on this matter.

Doppelmakesmelol - shut up and stop trolling me.

[Riggs]

The point is that I don't care what the Rabbis think. I'm outside their bubble. Their law is NOT my law, and who they consider Jewish and not Jewish is irrelevant to me. And things were different in the 30's and 40's. if a neo Nazi was to walk up to me today and ask if I was Jewish, all I would have to say is no and he wouldn't be able to prove otherwise. People back then had their religion on their I.D. cards. and if those were faked all they had to do was pull a guys pants down. they can't do that now because circumcision is so common.

As for the advice runningto was looking for.... If he is religious you have to keep in mind that it will be a problem for him. He will try and bring you back into the faith. If you wind up with him you can look forward to keeping kosher for the rest of your life, wearing a wig after you marry him, going to temple and keeping the Sabbath every week, and having a SHITLOAD of kids... Amongst other things.