Confused feeling betrayed

[Kyrina]

A few of weeks ago i went on our computer, something i rarely do but for the last month i had the feeling my Fiance had been doing something we had both agreed we wouldnt do while we were together, Cybersex. I had been asking him throughout the month if we were ok.He always replied we are very ok and it didnt sate the feeling in me. Im ill will a diseased spine and suffer a lot of pain so we are always together.His pc is in our bedroom, our sex life suffered and any suggestion i made for us to do other things was met with a "i dont like seeing you in pain, i dont feel right to have you suffer pain just for sex".Sounds sweet but annoyed the hell out of me because he really made me feel a woman when we did have sex and not a burden to him.
Anyway he was playing a online game,and he and a woman in his guild started to cyber,they took the cyber from ingame to msn.When i read the history of their messages she often referred to other men in their messages,the usual cybersex on the things they want to do to each other even sending pics via email.
in his messages he tells her about the lack of sex between us because it hurts my back even adding a lol to the sentence.She writes back sex talk etc and keeps bringing other men into it in the appearance to make my fiance jealous which he states to her he is and how he wants to wake upto her in his arms.
He claims he doesnt remember writing these things to her, i even read abstracts of it to him and he says it has no feeling from him to her.I find this difficult to believe because they would often chat while i was in the room under the pretence of levelling characters, the thing is when he and i met we did the same thing.I was in a unhappy relationship my ex had discovered cross dressing.Anyway i dont believe my fiance anymore i no longer feel safe in his arms.
Am i over reacting? is cybersex really an affair?,i know i probably deserve it back, karma and all that but my ex and i had pretty much stopped any resemblance to a relationship months previous to my present fiance relationship beginning.
We have been trying to regain a relationship, but i just cant trust him,i can know longer go for long hot baths to ease my pain i dont know what he is doing on the pc.He cant use his pet names for me he called her them too.Both destroyed a relationship that both my fiance and i believe was perfect except for the disease Do i just leave him or try and rebuild without trusting him i opened my heart and soul to this guy and said dont hurt me it will destroy me it has i cry a lot and have lost a stone in weight in just a month.
thanks for your help

[Ruby62410]

A relationship that started with cheating will NEVER survive. If i was in your position I would never be able to get over him calling her pet names that he calls me or telling her he wants to wake up to her because to me that would be like him putting her to my level as his fiance. I know this must be hard but end it now save yourself future pain. Yes karma is a bitch but that doesn't mean you need to put up with his cheating cuz yes that is cheating. Everyone deserves happiness. In a relationship partners are in charge of each others happiness and he's obviously putting his before yours. Move on and stay strong.

[devonbrown]

I don't know that a relationship that started the way it did with the two of you CAN'T survive, but the odds are against it.

And while some people would say cybersex isn't cheating, it is. At the very least it is emotional cheating.

I can't tell you how to repair the damaged trust, but I can tell you that unless you BOTH want to work hard on it and show each other major changes in your ACTIONS, not just words, then it really is just a matter of time before the relationship is done.

[Kyrina]

I feel so emotionally cheated i still love him but i dont know if i can believe him or trust him again.Im so confused i feel as if i did something wrong but i didnt game or use the pc very often in 2 years we are together.He says he doesnt understand why he did it ...is it really possible that he doesnt know why he did it,can he really be so oblivious to his actions?????
thanks for your help

[Incognito]

No he isn't oblivious to his actions. Cheaters always say "I don't know why I did it" or "I didn't do it" once they are caught. If you aren't married to him yet then don't marry him. Leave him. If he's bold enough to cyber with this woman while you're in the room what do you think will happen in the future? He have sex with someone else eventually. Do you really want to be a part of that? I'd hope not.

[Kyrina]

Incognito, i would hate to be a part of that i have already called off our marriage for next year because of it, he was cybering this her while we were arranging our marriage.When we talk about it he constantly says he was happy in our relationship and didnt want to do it he doesnt know why he did, then his next breathe he says maybe i needed that something else on the web.We live together and now i feel completely alientated in my own home.I feel so guilable and would love to believe him but how can i. Can a relationship come back from this kind of assualt???

[devonbrown]

Short answer - It is probably over, so it is best to end things with him right now.

As for him not knowing why he did it, he actually means that he can't believe he was so sloppy that he got caught. And if he REALLY doesn't know why he was doing it or why it was wrong, then you don't want to be with him anyway.

He doesn't care enough to be honest and respectful to you. Have enough respect for yourself to kick his ass to the curb.

[Mathias]

Can a relationship come back from this kind of assualt???

That, on top of the fact that he's lying to you - no.

[Incognito]

Incognito, i would hate to be a part of that i have already called off our marriage for next year because of it, he was cybering this her while we were arranging our marriage.When we talk about it he constantly says he was happy in our relationship and didnt want to do it he doesnt know why he did, then his next breathe he says maybe i needed that something else on the web.We live together and now i feel completely alientated in my own home.I feel so guilable and would love to believe him but how can i. Can a relationship come back from this kind of assualt???

He is telling you by both his actions and his own words (seen above), that you aren't enough for him. Don't take that personally either because no woman would be enough for him. It seems that he is a web addicted man who is so insecure that he has to carry on a fantasy relationship in addition to a real on in order to feel whole. On top of that he is being grossly disrespectful. Even if you two were only dating for two months I'd suggest you dump him if he were cybering. You two were making plans to get married and he was doing so. Huge red flag! This guy doesn't respect you, is manipulative, and doesn't seem to fully understand what he wants. If he understood what he wanted as a man he'd either choose you or choose a single life wherein he could have as many online relationships as he wanted. Its time you make the decision that he doesn't have the balls to make.... To end this unhealthy relationship.

Trust me there are men out there who know how to treat you with love and respect, but you won't find one until you unload this worthless, disrespectful guy.

[Kyrina]

Incognito,even during these hard times and with the help of you and the others this betrayal is a little easier to bare, i sleep badly since this and he still lives with me i have shown him out of respect not to hurt him that i have written things on the net concerning him so that i cant be accused of keeping secrets if he was to find out.I dont believe any secrets should be kept in any kind of relationship whether it be strong or as weak as ours is.i have been hurt so many times before and he was hurt badly from an ex in RLwho slept around and i believed he meant everything he said, i believed he was ready for a real commitment.You last comment on him being web addicted man is so profoundly correct he says he will give up the pc for me but he loves gaming and i believe if i said to him that i wanted the pc out of the house and he did it he would just becoming bitter to me and forget the reason why i wanted the pc out he really wants to work at this relationship and i know i still love him but love wasnt enough to keep him from cybering so how could he expect me to believe in him when respecting and trusting are just as important in love.
You say there is men out there who know how to treat me with love and respect.I wish i could believe that M broke all my walls down with this belief and his actions and words for the first year and half he was the perfect candidate for this fantasy but it seems i wasnt what he wanted....you give such uncanny advice its almost as if you are in the room and seeing it with your own eyes thankyou

[Incognito]

Thank you for you high praise. I truly do appreciate it. I am just a guy who came to LF seeking advice and stayed to offer some as well.

Back to your situation though you ultimately have to make the decision regarding whether to stay with him or not, but I'll point out a few more things.

1. He was cybering openly, with you in the room. When someone is that open about their lack of commitment and respect it is typically too late for the relationship to bounce back. I really think that his reaction "to give up the pc" is just half assed attempt to keep you in the relationship.

2. You are right about him eventually resenting you if you have him remove the pc from the house. His addiction to the internet and to online relationships is his problem, and he has to choose to give up those things for himself. Otherwise he's doing it solely to appease you. Eventually resentment will set in and that will cause other problems in the relationship. If his online gaming continues he will probably still cyber and/or maintain an online relationship through the game site. Your best bet seems to be to cut him loose and let him grow out of these unhealthy habits.

3. There certainly are men out there who will show you the love and respect that you deserve. Your current guy could even be this man IF he cleans up his act on his own. Again, don't try to change him by making him choose between you and the computer. Have some time apart, and tell him why its happening. If he changes his ways, then you'll know that he's ready for a real relationship. If he doesn't, well simply move on.

[Wakeup]

the thing is when he and i met we did the same thing.I was in a unhappy relationship

Oye Vey! I'm sorry but you know what they say. If he'll do it with you, he'll do it on you. Karma is a bitch, What goes around comes around. None of which is helpful of course but nonetheless, tiss what "they" say.

Honey: Get yourself some personal counceling so that you have a good and healthy sense of self worth and you'll then be able to have the strength to tell loser men to fk off before they devestate you. You'll see them for what they're worth (little to nothing or their actions aren't matching their words) and you'll exit stage left quickly and eventually you'll connect with one of those fine men that Incognito mentions. You need to look after you and your own best interests and be able to see a red flag when it hits you in the face.

Sorry this happened to you but I'd never (and I mean never) consider staying with him unless he gets his own therapy to learn to give up his addiction known as cybersex and his computer gaming. He is as hooked as any heroin junkie could ever be to his choice of drug.

[Kyrina]

Incognito and Wakeup .... He is returning to Germany in a couple of weeks until we make a final decision on the relationship.Im sorry it happened too as i said this cybering was how we met in a game but i stopped both when he moved here.We had been talking for over a year and half before he moved here so that we had a good enough foundation to build from.We both agreed not to cyber because he couldnt deal with so i left the pc and any temptation.A year after he came i was diagnosed with MS and the real possible of needing a wheelchair due to a diseased spine on top of it.I know it was hard on him but he had been pre warned and given the chance to leave the relationship before he came to England.I wasnt naive in jumping into this relationship, i questioned everything from him just wanting me for my country etc and he knew i was abused and beaten in a relationship for 10years before i eventually left then i was single for 3 yrs and well all the dirty laundry was seen.He said i cybered and i did but i took care to say ok i can do that but there is no chance with me in RL and if you look like your getting attached to me then im gone.With some of these men i actually helped them to get off the game and spend more time in RL because like most men they bitch about their wifes not understanding them etc and the cyber would stop and i would ask them why do you think your wife is bitching bascially helping them to see the female view when possible.Even to the extent of their wifes making toons or just talking to me via mic and being their agony aunt.I love to help people and i was on lovingyou.com forums for years.But he had only known this woman a few days and they were like fleas on a dog in cyber.I do love him and i wont be the fool he thinks and treats me as.Icant thankyou guys enough you have said what im thinking and being outside thie farceyou gave me strength to see past emotion i was able to clarify my own thoughts better.*hugs* and vast thanks for being who you are and caring enough to help me please dont change honest people is what the rest of the human race is looking for even f they dont know it yet.x