Problems trusting or possibly I am crazy! Help!

[simonmagus]

Hello everyone. I recently posted here about how I didn't trust my GF to go on vacation without me. She returned from said vacation yesterday and nothing seems amiss so far. However, while she was gone I did a little self examination and have determined that the problem might not be with her but with myself, or possibly some combination of the two.

First, some background, when I was younger (20, I am now 32) I had a GF of 4 years who devastated me with an unexpected breakup and I kinda went psycho-stalker on her and after about a week of that she refused to talk to me. Never talked to her since. I was voluntarily committed to the nut-house for a couple of weeks to get off beer (self medicating addiction) and to learn some coping methods. Later on I had 2 more serious relationships and both of them were polar opposites from the previous girl and both of them cheated on me, I still did not dump them, and they cheated again and eventually dumped me. I went for about 4 years being single and learning who I really was and gaining my self confidence back. I think I did a pretty good job recovering and becoming normal again.

Now onto the current relationship... When we were just friends everything was OK. I knew that she lied to and cheated on her ex-husband but somehow looked past that. Now we have been dating for about 2 years and I just don't trust her. Matter of fact, I don't really trust anyone. I think I may have a problem because when she was out of town I tried very hard to analyze myself and noticed that I think everyone is against me, saying or doing things detrimental to me, I think all women are cheaters, I refuse to go to some social settings for fear of bad or awkward situations. But when it comes to trusting her.... oh boy!?!?!?!

When she was gone for 2 weeks I basically sat at home and constantly thought about what she was doing, who she was with, why I didn't get to go on the trip, is she cheating.... these thoughts over a couple of days turned into "she is cheating, I hate her for doing this to me, i don't want to feel this way, i am gonna dump her when she gets back, shit maybe I should just go dump her stuff off at her house and dump her now before she even gets back." Needless to say, my brain went way overboard with this type of thought. It was literally debilitating, I did not want to go to work, did not want to go have fun, and in general did nothing but think about her. I don't know why after so many years of conquering my fears they have come back in full force.

She has done a few small things that make me not trust her (odd phone #'s being called, white lies, past behavior, flirty text msg. to her boss), but now I am questioning my own sanity and don't know if I should have the level of mistrust that I do or if I am just crazy. Some people say that I am just insecure and it is all my problem, others say to just talk to her about it (I do not think this is a good idea because insecurity is not attractive to women), and yet other say that all women cheat and to just dump her.

Does anyone else have the type of thoughts that I do? Where does the line get drawn between insecurity and rational doubt? On top of all of this she has stopped bringing her daughter around me anymore which suggests to me that she doesn't expect to stay with me much longer. Then last week she found out her ex-husband is moving in with another woman and BOOM! now she wants to get married, but the $11000 she put on a credit card for the vacation is "none of my business." I don't even know what is going on anymore.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

[Kyrina]

I dont trust either i think im insecure and i tried to make my guy happy with everything he loves doing so i cant really answer that he's a liar and cheat but would love to know the answer if you find it

[Wakeup]

I have to ask you, OP why you would pick a woman to be with that you know has cheated on HER HUSBAND. You were cheated on twice before and you pick a woman with a history of cheating? That's foolish in my books. Seems you are attracted to woman who are incapable of being monogamous and you need to hone your picker and have enough self-worth to break things off with a women when you discover that she is just another one just like the other one(s).

Now that she's in 11,000 dollars in debt for a vacation that she didn't invite you on she wants to marry you? I'd avoid that subject until she's paid off her credit card debt.. You're in the States and from what I hear your country is one of the worst for inequality when it comes to splitting assets and liabilities when a marriage dissolves.

Get some help and start working on your self-worth so you don't fear letting go of a woman (or anyone for that matter) who is disrespecting and not showing you that she values you.

[simonmagus]

The reason why I would choose to be with a woman that I know has cheated on her husband is because we were friends during the time that they were married and he cheated on her and then, you guessed it, she cheated on him with me a few months later, albeit after divorce was filed but not finalized. At the time, in my love struck mind, I did not view it as cheating, but logic has since taken over and I know that it was.

It don't think the $11K debt is the reason for her wanting to marry now, it is more the fact that her ex is moving in with another woman, the debt would be something else for me to deal with, but I don't think it is her motive to get me to pay for her trip. Essentially, I think she only wants to get married to make him jealous or beat him in getting married before he does. She has previously been very wishy washy on the marriage subject, some days she wants to some days she says she will never marry again.

I already know the techniques and methods to get over feelings of inferiority and insecurity. I think that I have had some sort of emotional relapse after I found the flirty text message to her boss though. I am more hesitant because I am getting older and don't think there are many quality women my age who are available. Honestly, if this relationship doesn't work out I have no intention of trying to meet another woman... so I might as well deal with this one.

[rafterman]

Then last week she found out her ex-husband is moving in with another woman and BOOM! now she wants to get married, but the $11000 she put on a credit card for the vacation is "none of my business." I don't even know what is going on anymore.Any advice would be much appreciated.

If you marry this woman that $11000 will be every part of your buisness,make no doubt about it. If you have half a brain your head you will listen to what people are saying. There's so many red flags here, its not funny.........Good luck.

[Wakeup]

LoL... Well then sir.. happy trails. Be prepared to be angsty and jealous. Of course you'll be that way when you admit the only reason she now wants to marry you is to beat her ex at it. Good lord.

Honestly, if this relationship doesn't work out I have no intention of trying to meet another woman... so I might as well deal with this one.

Pfffft. No wonder the divorce rate in your country is over 50% when I hear people with that attitude of willing to settle.

*whispers* Hide.Some.Of.Your.Money.

[JadenMia]

Yeah the last thing you want to do is marry this woman, there does seem to be a few red flags by what you have told us, but i think the most important thing right now is to work on your insecurities. From someone who has insane insecurities and trusts absolutely no man on this earth, i know how horrible and debilitating these feelings can be.
Dont lower your standards and say you're going to deal with this one, if she isnt meeting your needs then you need to leave and find someone who gives you all the reason to trust her, not a previous cheater..

I think you have a lot of thinking to do and be sure to discuss your concerns with her, communicate everything through and then you can get a clearer vision of how things are going and how she is feeling too. Its the best thing to do, after talking to her, decide what it is you want to do in this relationship, remember, you deserve the very best! Good luck.

[gigigi]

whoa $11,000 on a vacation??? omg where did she go and what did she do that cost so much money??? it doesn't sound to me like either of you is very stable, to be honest...to me, making a huge impulsive purchase like that is a bad sign for someone's overall stability and their reliability as a partner. definitely agree with everyone else, do not marry her.
i think the deepest issue is not whether you're insecure, since we all have insecurities and issues to some extent, but why you are picking women that feed your particular insecurities. it might seem like it's just coincidence, you and she happened to be friends, etc., because you're so deep in the situation, but i feel like it's no coincidence who we are each drawn to- for example, out of all possible women in your surroundings, you have tended to be drawn into relationships with women who have cheated or who are secretive in some way. i think it's worth really examining why you have this self-destructive tendency so you can be free to purse relationships that build you up, not tear you down..

[simonmagus]

Pfffft. No wonder the divorce rate in your country is over 50% when I hear people with that attitude of willing to settle.

I fail to see how NOT pursuing a hypothetical future relationship could in any way be the cause of America's high divorce rate. Staying with someone even though there are problems is more of an indication of NOT divorcing when bad times come around. I believe the divorce rate in America is due to bad morals and values not being taught to children. Heck, if everyone followed the advice of these forums then everyone would split up! It seems that the most common advice I have read here is "Just dump them." Could be wrong, but that is my experience.

To all others, specifically JadenMia and gigigi, thank you for the excellent advice. I will do my best to work on my own problems before going any further in my relationship. Once I get my head clear then I will approach her for a good long talk about our situation.

[Wakeup]

I fail to see how NOT pursuing a hypothetical future relationship could in any way be the cause of America's high divorce rate. Staying with someone even though there are problems is more of an indication of NOT divorcing when bad times come around.

I beg to differ. You marry and then you find out you can't stand what you thought you could and you end up divorcing.

I believe the divorce rate in America is due to bad morals and values not being taught to children.

Yea, that too.

Heck, if everyone followed the advice of these forums then everyone would split up! It seems that the most common advice I have read here is "Just dump them." Could be wrong, but that is my experience.

If you're in here with a problem that you and your SO are'nt able to come to resolution with then yea. The best advice is to break up because you're going to eventually anyway or, you're going to live one pissy life together and you'll be in here wondering why you allowed yourself to be a doormat and used for your money. P.S. I didn't tell you to break up with her, I told you to avoid the subject of marriage with her until she's paid off her vacation debt.

To all others, specifically JadenMia and gigigi, thank you for the excellent advice. I will do my best to work on my own problems before going any further in my relationship. Once I get my head clear then I will approach her for a good long talk about our situation.

Good luck, and don't forget to hide some of your money in a Swiss bank account.