Relationship Slowly Ending?

[GagaRoma]

It’s almost been a year and a half since I’ve been with my boyfriend. I’ve always been the type of person to do anything for the people they care about. So naturally I’ve always wanted to do so much for my boyfriend, and I have done so much for him. I’ve made so many sacrifices when it comes to my time and school just to be with him as well as other things I do. I just feel like sometimes I go way too far out of my way and try so hard and I don’t feel like he does the same for me. At least now I am realizing this.

When my boyfriend and I first met we were in high school. He was a sophomore and I was a junior. A 15 month age difference, it wasn’t so bad. Most cases that wouldn’t be so bad but I seem to be getting older and more mature meanwhile he is very immature. It was nice and so great at first because we were both in high school and had the same schedule. Now I am going to college and this will be his senior year. So things are different but have potential to work out but lately I don’t even feel like his priority, or at least even one of his priorities. For example, I’ve been telling him I just want to see him a little more because I start college really soon and I thought it’d be nice to see him a little more before my schedule totally changes and I won’t be as free. Because he starts school a week after I do. But I told him how I thought it’d be nice if we hung out a little more before I’d leave and nothing has been done about it on his behalf. Like I feel like I’m the one trying to make plans to see him and he doesn’t seem to care too much or take it seriously. Last week I was sick and I didn’t see him for a few days. The first thing I wanted to do was spend time with him and to see him again. When I was finally better, that same day I had asked if he wanted to do something and he made all these excuses that he was busy all day. Then he eventually told me he was afraid of getting sick. Which I explained what I had wasn’t contagious and he said he wasn’t lying to me and that he wouldn’t lie in order to not see me and that he was genuinely just busy. So he was “busy” all day but then meanwhile later that night he went out with one of his guy friends. It was so nice he was too “busy” to see me and knew I wanted to see him but meanwhile he saw his friend that night. So that made me a little angry because he knew I wanted to see him, so everything he said about being busy seemed like some excuse to just not see me. It was weird because before he had never been too “busy” to see me. The other day we discussed college because he is thinking about what he wants to do. The one college or career choice he was thinking about was in a totally different state and the program is 2 years. I told him if he picked that since it’d be long distance that I don’t think our relationship would work out. And to which he said “I’d still have you in my heart” but it’s like he’d have no problem leaving me and going that far away. I picked a school close to home so I could be with him and I decided to commute to school too and not live on campus because I also wanted more time to be able to spend with him. And I understand he just wants a good job, but I feel like he’d even do that at the risk of our relationship. So it makes me think or feel like he’s not really into us being together. Then today, I took a practice run to my school on public transportation. I just wanted someone to go with me to help me out and be there and when I told my boyfriend how my brother suggested I take him (by “him” meaning take my boyfriend) my boyfriend said to me “well both my parents are out and have the cars and I can’t drive alone”. And then when I explained to him I wouldn’t need a car and that he wouldn’t either, we live fairly close all he would have had to do was walk to the trolley station and meet me. When I explained that to him he replied with how his dad just got home and how he could go if I wanted. But I was frustrated and I already had asked another friend which my friend responded first so I went with my friend instead. But I thought it was weird that one minute his dad wasn’t home and then miraculously when I said we wouldn’t have to drive anywhere he said that. I don’t even know if I can believe what he says. Sometimes I feel like he makes up things so he doesn’t have to see me. It seems like bullshit excuses sometimes. He always tells me he wouldn’t lie to me like that though, but sometimes I don’t really believe it.
I just feel like sometimes he can be a complete dick to me. Or I feel taken for granted or not appreciated or like I am way more into making the relationship work than he is. Also, now I often get frustrated now over how he acts or things he says and I know that can’t be normal. But lately I don’t seem to really care what happens. Like I used to be all excited to see him or try to plan when we would or look forward to the next time, But ever since that day when he said he was too “busy” to see me and went out with someone else that night anyway I just sort of don’t care anymore about making plans or if we hang out because I don’t feel appreciated.

I don’t know if these are things I should work out with him or if I should just put up with, or if I should just move on. I know I can’t change him. But I still love him.

[simonmagus]

Do him and his friends all hang out drinking and smoking weed by chance? Your situation sounds exactly like how I treated my high school girlfriend. She dumped me and I have most definitely learned my lesson about treating women the way you have described. There are a lot of guys who, when still in high school and college, get accustomed to their GF being there for them and take it for granted. They get their priorities all mixed up. This is also a time in a guys life when he is subconsciously seeking the approval of his male peers as well. Don't dump the dumb guy yet, just be "unavailable" for a few weeks and see if he comes around. I wish my high school sweetheart had given me that opportunity to change...

[GagaRoma]

He doesn't go out and drink or smoke though, he isn't into that stuff. But lately he seems to be seeing his friends more. A relative suggested I let him "miss" me and just not to hang out with him for a little while. I've talked to him about it and what's been bothering me and how I feel. So I am trying to give him a chance, I really am. He can be so sweet it's just certain things he doesn't take seriously or totally understand.

[simonmagus]

High school senior guys don't usually have the emotional ability to "understand" when you talk to him about this. He probably views the "talk" as nagging, bitching, or something to that effect. Good that he doesn't smoke or drink though! At least you aren't with an alcoholic druggie. But yes, I do think that you should be less accommodating to him for a short while and see if it has any effect. Perhaps he will realize that he is losing you and change or maybe you will see that you don't need him and leave like my high school GF did.

I know it sucks to hear this but the vast majority of high school romances do not end up being lifelong relationships. However, you should never give up just because some jaded old people on an internet forum said so... only you know all of the particulars to your unique situation.

[GagaRoma]

I think in ways I am just ready for a more mature relationship. When we've had other problems he's tried really hard to change or has done a good job at for the most part. But some things seem to remain the same or they'll seem to change but only for a short amount of time. I feel like he rationalizes what I say with weird excuses or reasons sometimes too. LIke the one time I said I wanted to feel appreciated and I feel taken for granted his excuse was "it's because we haven't seen each other in a while". Like as if he doesn't get that his actions or behavior could possibly make me feel that way.

[simonmagus]

That is a rather odd excuse for him to give. I should also point out that guys, on average, mature a couple of years behind women and you are already a little bit older than he is... maybe he is just a little immature. Then again, almost all guys that age will be. He very well might not get it. I empathize with him because I was once just as stupid.

Also, can someone else reply here and give her a female perspective on this? I don't think I can offer any more advice... if I did it would probably be wrong!

[GagaRoma]

Your advice is good so far! It's nice to see a male perspective of the situation because then I can sort of see why he might think the way he does or what goes on in his mind. I would want to work it all out, I wouldn't just leave him. Well I mean unless things over some time didn't change and I was continually unhappy. He tries, and I love him. I know he loves me but sometimes it's hard to deal with because I will say things and he won't totally understand or seem to take them seriously. He is pretty immature. But he may possibly start to grow up a little the more he gets older or through this year when he has to start considering college and a job.

[MaidenMinx]

Hun, you are too young to be sacrificing so much of yourself for a boy. Choosing a college based on him? Ridiculous at your age.

If I were you I'd tell him to shape up or ship out! He is not respecting you, and he is too much of a child to realise his actions do have an impact. It sounds like he has already detached from the situation. Now it's you turn.

[GagaRoma]

I know, it's crazy. But I wanted to stay with him, but of course at this age for school I should have put myself first. I genuinely wanted to stay local though, not just for him but for my own comfort and to be with my family as well. But I know I shouldn't be willing to sacrifice so much like that just for a relationship at this age.

I am going to start to detach. I'll see where it goes from there or if he will be willing to be a little more serious and respectful.

[MaidenMinx]

Good girl! (I hope that didn't sound patronising)

Glad to hear he isn't the only reason for staying local for school.

Good luck with it all. If detaching doesn't bring him round, I hope you'll have the strength to do what you need to do for you.

[GagaRoma]

I've been thinking a lot lately about it though. Because just all the things that have been happening it's like I am realizing I need to be happy too and not sacrifice and give so much if I am not getting the same in return. A relationship is half and half and it's not fair on my part if I am the one making all the effort to make time for "us". It ultimately just is disappointing at that rate, well I realized, because then it's like I expect things that are nearly impossible from him. If he doesn't work on those things or realize how it's been on our relationship then I have to move on. I would like for it to work out but meanwhile everything that's happened lately I haven't quite exactly felt the same about him. My attitude is starting to change.

[IndiReloaded]

He's entirely correct to think of longterm job prospects over a high school relationship. He's looking after his longterm interests, you should too.

Detaching sounds like a good idea b/c based on your post it sounds like he's already going that route. Nothing lasts forever, particularly at your age. You have sooo much to look forward to. Don't put your eggs in one basket.

[GagaRoma]

I just feel it slowly declining. For the most part we have the same goals, love the same things, want the same things in life, but sometimes I feel like it's still not on the same path even though we have so much in common. I don't feel as appreciated or respected enough or as "wanted" as I had felt before. And he honestly can't even see that or why I'd feel that way. All he said was "well I feel like we put equal effort in. We just need to spend time together so we feel connected like we once did". In a way he seems to be detaching but then at the same time he almost seems desperate to have things how they "were" but meanwhile I don't feel like anything is being done to get back to how it was. I'm not even sure if it could return to how it was. Young and in love I thought it could be forever, but as more time goes on I almost think "are these really qualities I want in a partner?" and I don't potentially see it lasting forever.

[GagaRoma]

Sorry for this back to back posting. But I saw him tonight. It was so frustrating because it was all so disorganized as to how it all worked out. Days ago we planned to hang out tonight because tomorrow I start going in for college and have an orientation. Then the 22nd my classes start so this was sort of like my last whole day off of summer. We met up later than usual because he kept saying how when his parents got back he'd drive to pick up something and then pick me up. Well his parents didn't get back until an hour later (this point it was 3pm) and then he told me "well now my mom is making something so we can walk to meet up instead". So then I said I'd just drive over there but how it was sort of ridiculous because we could have walked and met up earlier at that point if ultimately that would have happened. So it was like 3 something when I got to his house. We pretty much just sat there. Then an hour later we were in his room and he went on about how he "saved himself for me" meaning he hadn't masturbated at all that morning so I could get the "full performance". Sometimes he does save himself for me, but I always thought it was odd how he'd tell me when he would masturbate or before or after he'd have sex he'd say something like "this is my 2nd time today" and when I'd ask "what do you mean" he'd go on about how he couldn't help himself so he had to pleasure himself and how he'd be sorry about it. Anyway, back on topic. So after about an hour of love making followed by an hour nap we went downstairs and again just sat there. He kept saying he wanted to go out and do something with me today but it wasn't until like 8 at night that we went out. He wanted to go to the woods with me at night but I was afraid of ticks and other bugs being a problem. So instead we walked to the graveyard. In the graveyard he said to me "one night in the fall we should go to the woods at night. From sunset until it'd get really dark. It's really cool and you'd really like it" and I said "that'd be really nice" thinking it'd just be something me and him would do together he then said "and I'll bring paul and rachel" which are two of his friends. Which then I said "you wouldn't want it to just be us?" and then he said "well the first time we go into the woods at night it could just be me and you then. The next time we would after that I'd bring paul and rachel. And you could bring your friends too". And then he said "I've been hanging out with paul a lot more now" which he has. Probably a little more than he's seen me in the past couple weeks. Then after the graveyard it was about 9. It wasn't late at all, well for me, and I asked "well what do you want to do now?" and he was all "do you want me to walk you home?" so we started walking but I kept on saying "it sucks the first night I am not getting a ride home and I can stay out late and we can't think of anything to do" and he didn't respond when I said that. I had to say "did you hear what I said" and then all he replied with was "yeah". So that was a little frustrating because it's like he didn't care much. I wanted to do more things and I kept saying "it'd be nice to do more but we can't think of anything". So I tried to think of things and couldn't. I don't even think he thought of anything or tried. And what frustrated me the most was that literally 2 blocks from my house my boyfriend said to me "I didn't know you wanted to stay out later with me. We can do more things if you'd like" but at that point we had walked all that way and were so close to my house that I just was like "forget it". It was so frustrating because I kept saying and hinting how it'd be nice to stay out later and do more but how we couldn't think of anything. So it's either like he didn't get the hint or didn't care that I just wanted to spend more time out tonight. Then his friend Paul texted him on our walk back asking about how the "woods" were even though we didn't go, so my boyfriend must have been talking to him earlier. But it just seems like lately my boyfriend is so much more into seeing his friends. And that's nice, I want him to be happy, but it seems like they come first now or that I am the after thought or he asks me if I want to see him after he makes plans with friends. It almost seems to me that now maybe he thinks his friends are more exciting than me? It's like all the sudden he is spending more time with them. So at this point I really am just going to not see him for a few days and see how that goes.

[Cerby]

Up until your last post you seemed pretty normal. But it actually seems like you might be a bit needy, and he just isn't willing or able to give you what you want. I'd go with "willing", he seems to be into his own life.

That said, you're clearly not happy, and it won't likely get better. You're a typical girl in the fact that you don't say what you want, you expect him to read your mind, and after a year and a half, that can wear on a guy too. Leave him, and you'll both be happier, you're too young to worry about long term anyways. Once he is gone you can truly focus on school.