Travel is 1# Boyfriend is 2#

[bob73]

Ok ladies would love your advice. Been dating an amazing woman for almost 10 months. We are both in are 30's no kiddos. We have a great time when together. The issue is her wonderlust...she is one of those who loves to travel...I have no problems with that, but she wants to leave for 4 - 8 weeks at a time twice a year...first what man can take 4 months out of year to travel...not many..my issue is I took a 13 week temporary job assignment in Southern Cali because i knew she was taking 8 weeks of for the summer...I figured she would want to spend a week or maybe even two with the guy she is "in love with" and the fact Im a mile from beach in a gorgeous area, than she would go on her travels....Well to my surprise she wanted to spend all 8 weeks exploring and partying it up in Central America..I know she loves to travel so I bit my lip....but its been 4 weeks and I am getting resentful...I cant meet her because of my job for 13 weeks...the fact I had to mention to her "what about spending some time with your boyfriend on your vacation" made me start to feel....maybe I am not that important, it is that easy to take off without your boyfriend for 8 weeks when we are at that honeymoon phase of a relationship. I trust her but it gives me an uneasy feeling to read her blogs about new friends they meet and seem to be partying everyother night till the sunrises is starting to get to me. Am I being selfish for resenting the 8 weeks?? I can handle 2-3 but if I wanted to see my girlfriend only half the year Id date someone in the military. All opinions and advice is much appreciated. Thank you.

[Vanity]

I believe your wife is being very selfish. It is definitely not normal for a spouse to just take off for weeks at a time to just go party at different places in the world without their lover. You should talk to her and tell her how her actions are making you resentful.

[surfhb]

I believe your wife is being very selfish. It is definitely not normal for a spouse to just take off for weeks at a time to just go party at different places in the world without their lover. You should talk to her and tell her how her actions are making you resentful.

She's not his wife.

Must be nice to be able to travel that much. What does she do for a living? Or is she just wealthy? Personally I dont think she that serious about you.

[bob73]

Well Vanity we are not married though. Been dating 10 months. I did tell her my feelings and she felt like she had been out here many times in her past years and finds it boring. Plus it Bothers her that I would be working Half the time she is here. She would rather use her vacation time to explore other exotic places. She said she will maybe take an extra 5 days at end of trip to visit me out here my last week. All her Friends are super supportive of her and make comments how jealous they are that she is so independent and able to take these trips but in reality I wonder how many of her friends would let there boyfriends or husbands take off like that for so long. I'm guessing not very many would.

[Vanity]

Oh I see that now, misread. All the same, it is still selfish and not something she should be doing.

[Vanity]

I wonder how many of her friends would let there boyfriends or husbands take off like that for so long. I'm guessing not very many would.

Hmm, I know if my boyfriend did that I would be very upset with him.

[bob73]

She is super independent obviously. Runs her own business that she built up herself. Not wealthy but has enough comming in to pay the rent an bills...she doesn't stay at 5 star resorts she backpacks and stays in hostels or really cheap hotels.

[surfhb]

Well the whole thing wouldnt work for me....sounds as if it doesnt for as well.

[MerryH]

Am I being selfish for resenting the 8 weeks??

Kind of. You took a temporary job in a certain location specifically to spend time with her without really making plans with her about it (right?) You took it for granted that she would be there with you, and that was kind of presumptuous of you. You can't really be annoyed with her this time, since you didn't communicate any of this to her.

You're allowed to be bothered that she's gone so often. But I don't think you should ask her to stop going on awesome trips, or to even cut them short to spend time with you. That wouldn't be fair. So if you can't be supportive of her going out and doing things she apparently loves doing, then she's probably not the right person for you right now, and you should break up instead of taking her insanely fun hobby away from her.

Also, you're exaggerating when you say "half the year." Four to eight weeks twice a year is only two to four months. Not half the year.

[bob73]

Kind of. You took a temporary job in a certain location specifically to spend time with her without really making plans with her about it (right?) You took it for granted that she would be there with you, and that was kind of presumptuous of you. You can't really be annoyed with her this time, since you didn't communicate any of this to her.

You're allowed to be bothered that she's gone so often. But I don't think you should ask her to stop going on awesome trips, or to even cut them short to spend time with you. That wouldn't be fair. So if you can't be supportive of her going out and doing things she apparently loves doing, then she's probably not the right person for you right now, and you should break up instead of taking her insanely fun hobby away from her.

Also, you're exaggerating when you say "half the year." Four to eight weeks twice a year is only two to four months. Not half the year.

So Merry, than if this was your boyfriend and he met a girl who lives on the island while out bar hopping and befriended them and to save money he told you he was now going to stay at her place "couchsurf" for the next three days before moving on to save money how ok would you be with that???

[vashti]

I think you should look at this woman as a take-it-or-leave-it proposition. This is what she does, whether or not anyone else finds it to be a fairly selfish lifestyle, and you need to either accept it or let her go.

[MerryH]

So Merry, than if this was your boyfriend and he met a girl who lives on the island while out bar hopping and befriended them and to save money he told you he was now going to stay at her place "couchsurf" for the next three days before moving on to save money how ok would you be with that???

Just the two of them? I would think it's inappropriate and I'd prefer that not to happen. That's a completely separate issue than the traveling, though.

Did that actually happen? Is she staying at some guy's house by herself?

[bob73]

Yep... her girlfriend left Sunday and her plane doesnt leave until Wednesday for more exploring in Honduras..So the guy they met at a bar on Friday and hungout on his boat sat offered a free place to stay since she is on a budget. She of coarse says "He is harmless" Im not happy to say the least..I trust her, but its disrespectful in my opinion. Plus how do you know a guy in 2 days is harmless..being mean and an azz isnt going to get someone over to your place...besides when you are in a committed relationship you just dont stay at random single guys places especially in a foreign country...if you have to stay on strange guys couches for a vacation you shouldnt be taking vacations.

[tremolo]

Bob, I sympathize somewhat with your girlfriend. I have wanderlust as well, and if I had the means and the time to travel, I would do it as much as possible. However - when I am in love, I can't bear to be away from my partner for too terribly long. A couple weeks would be hard for me; a month would be akin to torture. I think it's awesome that your girlfriend is so adventurous and independent, but I can't personally understand how she could bear to be away from you for 2-4 months. I'm pretty sure a couple of weeks would suffice for me, and then I'd be joining you in California. MM is right that you were perhaps presumptuous in expecting her to join you; then again, what woman wouldn't want to join her lover in such a beautiful place? Particularly, when she had the freedom to follow you?

As much as I love to travel, I would rather stay put with my lover for any extended amount of time.

I should also add that I, too, would be highly uncomfortable with my lover shacking up with strangers of the opposite sex... even if only on their couch. I don't consider it to be appropriate relationship behavior.

[MerryH]

Yep... her girlfriend left Sunday and her plane doesnt leave until Wednesday for more exploring in Honduras..So the guy they met at a bar on Friday and hungout on his boat sat offered a free place to stay since she is on a budget. She of coarse says "He is harmless" Im not happy to say the least..I trust her, but its disrespectful in my opinion. Plus how do you know a guy in 2 days is harmless..being mean and an azz isnt going to get someone over to your place...besides when you are in a committed relationship you just dont stay at random single guys places especially in a foreign country...if you have to stay on strange guys couches for a vacation you shouldnt be taking vacations.

That's pretty stupid of her.

What did you say to her about it?