Girlfriend is going to marry someone else! Need Advice!

[SweetMessiah]

Hi All,

I am new to the forum. I will give a brief description of my problem. This is driving me crazy.

Ok, so I have been in relation with this girl for close to 2 years now. There were a lot of ups and downs. We had more good moments than the bad moments. Few arguments usually used to happen, but small things would turn into big fights. We did try a lot to work it out between us and we were doing good.

We used to work in the same office. Now we don't since I have moved out. In any case, we had a fight after that and it got dragged. Things started getting messy between us. I told her to give it time to our relation. We should work on our flaws, identify our mistakes and try to be better people. She said, I don't have the option to give it much time, since my parents are putting the pressure of marriage on me.

She said, that if the things are so instable between us, then she won't be in a position to say anything for me at her home to her parents. She had already told her parents about me, but they were not so keen since I don't belong to the same caste. But from what I had heard from her, she did tell me that they were willing to have an inter caste marriage as long as she would be happy.

Now, the thing is, problems between us have increased over the past few weeks. Both of us were going through a bad phase. She had the pressure of marriage on her and in my case, there were multiple things, I was on a lookout for a new job, I mean a better one, I was relocating to a new place, things were not so stable at my home.

So, eventually, it came to this point, that we had stopped meeting each other on the weekends. We would exchange a few formal messages with each other. Conversation would usually be just dry and nothing as good as before.

We did have some big arguments in between. Both of us had a habit of saying some very hurting things to each other during the fights. That's a mistake which we have realized but for some reason, we have worked out on it but not completely gotten over it. We would still tend to say some really harsh stuff to each other during fights. Both of us knew this was a problem which we had to solve by ourselves.

In any case. She didn't tell me much about what was going on at her home regarding her marriage. One day, after our fight, she told me suddenly, that her parents were going to see a guy for her. I didn't support her that time, since 1 day before itself she was busy fighting with me saying, "we are done" and stuff like that! So, I wanted her to realize her mistake.

For the past 1 week, we were just exchanging messages with each other asking how each other was. Nothing more than that.

The Main Problem!

Things started becoming stable between us last week. But on last Friday, there was another fight. She made a mistake which she still doesn't realize. I got very angry and we parted ways. Since then we didn't talk to each other at all.

Now she, says, Everything is over between us, it didn't work out, she is really unhappy about that. She says, we had a lot of time to work out the things between us, but neither of us did that!!!

She says, she loved me a lot but unfortunately, it was never meant to be. And all this stuff. at the end, she just ended the mail by saying, take care loved you a lot. And that, the next time she will be going back home, there's a guy coming over to her house to see her for the marriage!

She said, she was extremely upset about that.

This is the point which drives me crazy. IF she is so upset about going ahead with someone else, she still loves me a lot, then why the hell would she go ahead with someone else in the first place??

So after reading this mail. I texted her. I said, I was very unhappy to hear that she finally decided to go ahead with someone else. And I again expressed my feelings to her in a nice manner. I told her, that I still love her a lot. I understand that it must be very upsetting to go and see some other guy for the marriage when your heart is still in love with someone else.

But, I find it confusing at the same time.

So, for all my emotional messages, at the end, she says, she wont' contact me ever again and won't shed a tear for me coz I told her that she is doing a very wrong thing by going ahead and marrying someone else!

On one hand, she would say, she is so upset that she has to marry someone else. That she still loves me so much and is going to miss me a lot. In her mail, she wrote to me that no matter how much she tries to forget me, and distract herself by doing other things. She is not able to get over me at all!

I really don't know how to proceed with this. So, I just ended the conversation with her by saying, that I still like her a lot but since she has made up her mind to go ahead with someone else, it's her wish.

Like they say, if you love her then let her go! I guess, I will have to follow the same.

I would like to hear the suggestions from the more experience people here.

[gonzilla]

Do you realize you have used words containing "fight" as many times as words containing "love" - 7 each? If you fight a lot then maybe, despite your feelings for one another, you're not right for each other?

Please forgive my cultural ignorance but the other possibility is this: Maybe you are really in love and maybe you're right for each other. Maybe you're fighting because her family have her under a lot of pressure to meet some standard they have set for her relationship with you. Is it possible that, in the background, they are reasoning with her that you haven't done x, y, z and so she is better to be with someone who they think is "better suited"? It sounds like she is under a lot of pressure and her head is winning the battle with her heart.

I would contact her and tell her that you don't want to look back in ten years with your heart filled with regret (I work with an Indian woman who has had this situation where she had to marry someone else and now has regrets). Tell her exactly how you feel. Organize to meet her because to look in someone's eyes and say how you feel is 1000x more powerful than words on a page. I'm guessing though that you'll have to go for broke and marry fairly quickly if you're successful in winning her back.

I hope it works out for you.

[SweetMessiah]

Thanks for your response. I agree with you on that. Infact, I believe that too much fights was the reason, that the negativity was set in her mind against this relation.

It was the good moments between us which is why she wants to be with me. We love each other a lot. But, I can never understand, how can one person feel both the things at the same time!

About the relationship standards set according to the culture. You are correct. It matters a lot here. Her parents would usually put pressure on her to marry someone from the same caste. She managed to convince them that she loves me and would like to marry me. From what I remember, she did tell me many a times, that her mother has agreed to it.

Off late, her father wasn't keeping well and he is a lot tensed about her marriage. So, I completely understand her pressure of marriage. If talking to her is the solution. I would definitely try that.

But, her mails and messages send out one clear signal, that even though she loves me a lot, and wanted to be with me. The instability in our relation is the reason, she has lost the hope!

I will talk to her about this. Thanks for your help.