Relationship Question for the Men. . .

[canndee]

Can any guy who has been in this situation answer this for me. And be totally honest. It will be helpful to some of us. . .

You've been dating a girl for a while but you decide that you want to end this relationship. You tell the girl it's because "you can't commit/be in a serious relationship/etc." Soon after you meet a new girl, get into a relationship with this new girl and are serious with her/proposing to her.

What was it about the first girl that made you want to end the relationship and tell her it's because you're not able to commit?

What was it about the new girl that made you want to commit?

[pisces25]

You tell the girl it's because "you can't commit/be in a serious relationship/etc." Soon after you meet a new girl, get into a relationship with this new girl and are serious with her/proposing to her.



The line about ending it because he can't commit was a lie. It is coz he didn't like the girl in that way. He is ready to commit but only to someone he feels more in love with/compatible with etc.

[canndee]

Thanks Pisces25! Are there any specifics you could add (if you, yourself, have experienced this)? What turned you off from the first girl? Was she insecure? Jealous? Needy? Can you recall what made you say "I can't be in this anymore". Then, when you met the new girl what were her qualities that made you fall for her and feel more compatible with her?

I'm asking because I've obviously been the first girl. I was in a relationship with a guy and we were very much in love in the beginning. Next thing I know it he's telling me he "can't be in a serious relationship" and it's because "he wants to focus on his career". I *know* the line is BS and tried to call him out on it but he insisted it was the truth. Next thing I know it he's in a new relationship (immediately after we break up) and it's *very* serious.
I did start dating someone else but we are no longer seeing each other and I'm sensing a pattern. This guy was also "not ready for a relationship." But I'm suspicious he's now seeing someone else. . .
Granted, with my first ex I can own up and say I was very dependent on him and did have jealousy issues. But, with this second guy, I was a lot more confident and didn't create any drama with him. I'm afraid though that I gave him "too much" freedom and when I said I was ready for more he panicked . . .

So, yeah, I'm definitely interested in the stories of others to see what really attracted them to the women they decided to commit themselves to.

[searock]

I don't think it's a thing that only guys do, I know about women who have done the same exact thing. Anyway it might actually not have been a lie, the thing about not wanting a serious relationship. It may be that he really didn't think he wanted to be in a serious relationship, and he thought (honestly) that it was a "general" thing, not just with you. But then maybe he started going out with this other girl and realized that it's not that he doesn't want a serious relationship, it's that he doesn't want it with you. Or, he doesn't want the sort of relationship that he had with you. Or something like that. But it doesn't mean he necessarily lied in the beginning.

[John Littlejohn]

Thanks Pisces25! Are there any specifics you could add (if you, yourself, have experienced this)? What turned you off from the first girl? Was she insecure? Jealous? Needy? Can you recall what made you say "I can't be in this anymore". Then, when you met the new girl what were her qualities that made you fall for her and feel more compatible with her?

There are no specifics to give. No one can tell you this but your ex, and he probably doesn't even know. It's just a "nicer" way of saying that he isn't falling in love with you. The problem is that not-being-in-love is an excellent reason to break up, but it's hurtful to say. So he told a little white lie so as not to directly imply that you're unlovable.

I *know* the line is BS and tried to call him out on it but he insisted it was the truth.

That was rude of you. You're supposed to understand that it means "I'm just not that interested in you." There probably isn't a definable reason for that. He probably couldn't come up with a reason if you pressed him, except--- no interest. He's just not interested. Let it go.

[devonbrown]

You tell the girl it's because "you can't commit/be in a serious relationship/etc."

There is an omission that the guy or girl who says this leaves out to try to spare the other's feelings. It should be "I don't want to commit/be in a serious relationship WITH YOU."

The specifics of why someone would want to break up? Oh goodness, it could be anything and it is pointless to try to list all the possible things that could cause someone to want to break up.

[canndee]

Again, I'm looking for the personal stories of others of what made them want to break away from their first relationship and what made them fall in love (even when they thought it's what they didnt' want) with the next girl. We all know what makes us want to break up with a specific person and what makes us fall in love with another.

'That was rude of you. You're supposed to understand that it means "I'm just not that interested in you." There probably isn't a definable reason for that. He probably couldn't come up with a reason if you pressed him, except--- no interest. He's just not interested. Let it go.'

If you read what I wrote I did own up to my faults from that relationship and did date someone after him. I tried to make it a point not to make those mistakes again the second time around. Again, I found someone who's "not ready". So, again, I would love to hear personal stories from guys who thought they weren't ready but found a girl they fell head over heels for and what was it about that girl that made them ready. Was it confidence? Was she adventurous? I know everyone's different but this is more about my curiosity about what makes a guy fall in love. Not to have my own situation analyzed.

[canndee]

I understand that and that's why I want the specific stories of others. We all know what makes us fall for someone, what makes us want to end that specific relationship, and what makes us want to commit. For example, I fell in love with my ex because he made me laugh every day, he's a talented writer*, smart*, and he paid attention to the little things. I fell for the guy I dated after him because he's really smart*, talented musician/actor*, and very kind.
*clearly common traits that I look for in men.

Also, I know what I've done wrong in my relationships so I don't need the evaluation of "he just wasn't into you." I'm more looking for your thoughts on the girls who made you want to commit. What made you *into* her and made you want the relationship. I know everyone's story will be different but I think it's good information to have.

[Incognito]

How about stop f*cking cross posting. This same thread is in the 'ask a male' section.

[canndee]

Uh. . .what's so awful about posting the same question on two threads? I first posted on Ask A Male but there wasn't a lot of traffic on that one so I posted on this one. Isn't that was these forums are for? To ask questions and get advice?

Look, a year and a half ago my break-up (that I discussed in this thread) was very difficult for me. When I found this forum I found everyone who responded to my questions to be very nice and helpful. That's why I turned to this forum again when I had questions about my next relationship. Sometimes it's just nice to get unbiased opinions.

And why I'm asking *this* question - I genuinely wanted to hear the stories of others. Maybe I'd see something similar in the stories. Maybe not. But it is nice to know why men fall in love with the women they fall in love with (and what aspects might make them fall out of love.) No harm intended.

[Incognito]

If you've ever been a part of any forum before you'd know that posting the same topic more than once is frowned upon. Other than that there is no problem.

[rafterman]

Yeah it gets confusing....if you post it once, you'll ge more hits, just giving advice thats all. It also means you dont have to jump around the forum too.