kinda sort of together

[simmo]

Me 19
Her 18
Together 3 years

I’m going to try and make this a brief yet descriptive as possible. A lot has happened. My “girlfriend” and I have been pretty on and off for the past four months. We fought. She cut back on meds, she’s bipolar. She cheated. We split. I kept fighting for her after that, and eventually she told the guy to **** off in front of me. There was a month of NC during which we both realized we missed each other. So now were kind of together but not really. She just started college last week. We go to the same college. So there is no distance here. We have read many things together about reconciliation after such events. We even have filled out questionnaires to better understand how to meet each other’s needs.

However, she has refrained from making our, whatever you would call it, official because she wants to “establish” herself here first. Months prior to moving on campus she had expressed to me her fear for not making friends at college. She never really had many during high school and this has been something she has really wanted to change.

She has expressed to me that she feels like if we make our relationship official she would feel too much pressure. She would feel as if some quota was need to be filled, such as seeing me every day, doing x,y, and z, a certain amount of times, and this she feels she is just not ready to do given the current changes in her life and what has happed the past few months between us.

She expresses to me endlessly how much she loves me and wants me. But given what has happened I can’t help but feel as if she has some agenda. I’ve stopped confronting her about this because that is going nowhere. The things she wants to do are reasonable, but I do not understand why we can’t be official and still give her the space she needs to “establish.” I feel as if I’m just the back up. I have expressed this to her already.
texts from her after I texted her once with this concern:
“Michael I’ve told you a least a thousand times. I want you. I’m happy when I’m with you. I miss you when I’m not with you. You’re my guy. I’m waiting till I’m comfortable with my life again.”
“you have to understand, I want to establish myself here and have people know me for me, not the girl with the boyfriend who goes to tech. You know? I need to meet people and when you’re here I’ll be tempted to hang out with you and nobody else.”

So every day I have this inner battle with myself to try and justify what she wants and justify to myself that us not being official is not a big deal, and will happen really soon (like she has expressed). I have to convince myself she is not just seeing if there is not something better out there, and these things she has expressed are legitimate and not just crafty manipulation. I have toyed with the idea of leaving her over and over, but I just never truly feel that’s what I want to do or something I can do.What if she is truly being sincere? But sometimes I feel like it’s what I should do. I just need advice from anyone about what they think of this situation. Are my concerns wrong? Am I’m being too pushy? OR is she wrong? Should she be mending my emotional distraught? I’ve met her suite mates, they know about me, there are pictures of the two of us in her dorm. I just still fear being played because I have too much feeling invested in her.

[Mathias]

So she's cheated, she knows how you feel about things and is using those feelings to manipulate you at every turn? And is probably still sleeping with other guys?

Seems like a real catch.

[simmo]

well I'm pretty sure she isn't sleeping with other guys currently. Anyway thanks for that input. "Seems like a real catch. " Does not address any of my questions.

[Wakeup]

do not understand why we can’t be official and still give her the space she needs to “establish.” I feel as if I’m just the back up. I have expressed this to her already.

Then wtf would you hang around like some black labrador retriever while his master decides if he's worth feeding or not?

You know it takes much more than loving someone to be happy within a relationship. This girl is mentally ill and she has already cheated on you once. Do you seriously believe that this cheating and this breaking up with you will suddenly stop if she decides to be with you? Do you honestly believe that during her "getting to find herself" stage that if a hot guy gives her any attention that she won't be lapping that up?

I say, Take back your power. Wish her well and tell her that she hopes she "finds herself" and has a good life because you've thought about it and you don't want to spend the rest of your life caretaking her manic and depressive moments. You deserve someone who is dedicated to their own mental and emotional well being and won't be going on and off their meds and excusing their promiscuity on their condition.

You can't fix her with your "love" and you're far too young to worry about her and her issues. You're better than waiting for her.

[smackie9]

She has buckets of issues and they are all her problems and not yours to deal with......walk away and never look back.

[devonbrown]

I agree with everyone above. Move on. Find your own self-esteem and look elsewhere for romantic entanglements.

Also, just by the title of your post, I knew that it was going to be a losing situation. Anyone who describes their relationship as "kinda sort of together" is not really together at all.

[simmo]

yea I really should just leave and never look back. It's a hard reality to face though, I never thought it would have come to this. Thanks for everything.

[searock]

It also may be that she wants to "break up" with you but doesn't want to hurt you, so she is waiting for you to do it instead...
On the other hand, if she is saying the truth, then even if you walk away she will come back to you as soon as she "establishes herself" in the new place.

[Mathias]

well I'm pretty sure she isn't sleeping with other guys currently. Anyway thanks for that input. "Seems like a real catch. " Does not address any of my questions.

Your questions are irrelevant.

She sucks. Move on.